Today, I decided to be a gentleman and let an old lady have my seat on the bus. Before I could even get up, she sat on my lap and wouldn't get off. I got an involuntary lap dance from a grandma. FML
Today, my 14-year-old step-daughter announced that she is 4 months pregnant. The father is my 15-year-old son. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I was getting pretty horny, and I thought some dirty talk would turn him on. Amid my panting, I breathed the words, "Fuck me." He then stopped and said, "Excuse me, I don't like hearing that language." and wouldn't continue until I corrected myself. FML
Today, my mom asked me what a MILF is. Apparently that's her nickname at work. FML
Today, one of my co-workers was fired after my manager discovered him pissing in the office coffee pot. I had three cups before I found out what had happened. FML
Today, I found a topless photo of my mother on my phone. Thanks, iCloud. FML
Today, after growing my hair out for over a year and constantly being told that it makes me look like a girl, I finally cut it. The first thing my friends said when they saw me was that I now look like a "lesbian." FML
Today, I was playing soccer when a player kicked the ball at my crotch. In pain, I kneeled down. The referee came up to me and whispered, "The smaller they are, the more it hurts." FML
Today, my girlfriend admitted to my best friend that she basically just sees me as a dildo with annoying emotions. FML
Today, I flexed so hard for a selfie, I gave myself a hernia. FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend to talk dirty to me. Her response was to impersonate a saxophone. FML
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