deathcreep25

Today, I got a new cat for my birthday. It ate my bird right when we got home, then it ran away. FML

Today, a friend located my stolen dog. It was sold to a family that has an autistic child. I was told by the police that I could have my dog back, but they think I am a terrible person if I do. FML

Today, I had to pee in a cup. The cup almost overflowed. My first instinct was to drink some so it didn't spill. FML

Today, my boyfriend got so baked, he thought I was in the washing machine. I came downstairs to find him sitting in a puddle of soaking wet clothes, crying about where I was. FML

Cool cool cool

Today, I hung out with some old friends for the first time since losing about 50 pounds, going from clinically obese to a healthy weight. I even bought a cute new dress for the occasion to show off my new body. No one noticed the change. FML

Today, I donated a dollar to a kids charity at Lowe's. The cashier handed me a star to sign my name, I signed it and gave it back to her. She looked at me with disgust and asked what was wrong with me. I had to pull out my license to prove to her that my name is really Michael Myers. FML

Today, a fly flew into my ear canal and got stuck. It was the most horrifying two minutes of my life. FML