setsuna9

Today, I tried convincing my Valentine-hating boyfriend to send me a card, by explaining how important it is to me. He finally agreed and sent me a card. I opened it up, and it wished me 'harmony and well-being on Lupercalia'. What is Lupercalia? It's an ancient Roman festival where men run down the street naked, whipping people with goat skins to encourage fertility. FML

Today, I realised my girlfriend is the perfect woman for most men. She only ever talks to me in the intermissions on Modern Warfare 2; shame it's not me playing. FML

Wasps can **** right off

Today, a wasp flew into my room. While I, a 6'2" hockey player, cowered in the corner, my 4'11" girlfriend killed it. FML

Remember this?

Today, I have to spend over an hour at a Gamestop so my boyfriend can get his 'Final Fantasy' game at midnight. I'm tired, I don't want to stand around any more, and all the people around around me are debating superheroes. I'm living in an episode of 'The Big Bang Theory.' FML

Overthinking it

Today, my girlfriend told me that I think too much during sex. Now the only thing I can think about is how much I'm thinking too much. FML

Today, my friends and I were hanging out when we thought it would be cool to set off a few fireworks. Nothing burns quite like the hair on the left side of your head. FML

Today, I walked into my bedroom, only to find out that my bed is missing. I have no idea where it is. FML

Today, I discovered how my ex-girlfriend exacted her revenge. Every item of clothing I own now has sequins. FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend in a sexy way "What should we do now, honey?" He answered, "Suck my dick?" I said "I was thinking of something more... romantic." He replied "Suck my dick in the moonlight?" FML

Comedy gold

Today, I went to the library to pick up a copy of Romeo and Juliet for my English class. After looking around for half an hour, I asked the librarian. "I couldn't find Shakespeare anywhere. Where could I find him?" She quickly replied, "He's dead", giggled to herself, and went back to her work. FML

Master manipulator

Today, my cat learned how to flush the toilet while I was in the shower. His transformation from cute kitten to pure evil entity is now complete. FML

Zzzzzzzz

Today, after months of living with my roommate's horrific snoring, I looked over to see her sleeping quietly. Elated that I might actually get a full night of rest for once, I went to bed. Just as my eyelids began to droop, she started making vile hissing sounds. Yes, hissing. FML

Today, an old lady hit me with her car, after which she said, "Oh! Not again!" FML

Today, my girlfriend hid my car keys and decided that she wouldn't give them back until I succeeded in giving her an orgasm. FML

Today, I got concussion after a goat ran in front of me while I was jogging. FML

Today, my family went and visited my nan. She ushered me in close and asked, "When are you going to knock it off with all this emo cockshite?" FML

Today, I introduced my first serious boyfriend to my mother over dinner. He is Asian. My mom insisted on calling him "Ching Chong". His name is Kevin. FML

Today, I went to an amateur baseball game with some family and friends. When our team hit a home run, my grandpa took it upon himself to start screaming wildly, removing his prosthetic leg and waving it jubilantly in the air. FML

Thank you for your service

Today, I was the waiter for my family at the village inn. It wasn't too bad, until I found out they left me no tip, only a napkin that said, "Get a haircut." FML

Today, yep, pubic hair is still flammable. FML

Spooky season

Today, I got a complaint from my neighbor about a little girl staring at her through my guest bedroom window for the past month. I live alone. Now I'm scared to live in my own house. FML

MORE! MORE!

Today, I introduced my parrot to oranges. Now she makes a high pitched scream if I don't give her any, and I've just run out of oranges. FML

Today, I learned that the building I just moved into contains both a drummer and an opera singer. Both are very dedicated to their craft, and practice frequently. FML

Unfair

Today, I was bitched out by my 17 year-old son's teacher. It seems the idiot teacher made the kids advocate for his own political beliefs in a presentation, and my son ended his speech saying, "And it remains my opinion that our instructor is cramping my motherfucking style." Instant suspension. FML

Today, at the nail salon, a Korean woman was making fun of me. I kindly told her, in Korean, that I understood. She kindly told me, in English, that she didn't care. FML

Today, I had a dream that I was trying to pop a balloon. Nothing I did was working, so I put it between my knees and tried to pop it that way. Immediately, I woke up to the sound of frantic hissing and meowing. As it turns out, I was trying to pop the cat. FML

Today, my fiancé told me he wants a security guard to come with us on our honeymoon to Hawaii. Apparently, watching Dog the Bounty Hunter has made him feel unsafe. FML

Poetry in politics

Today, I drank a fifth of vodka before I took my political science final. My professor later called me to tell me that I had written "Obama is a beautiful chocolate man" to every essay question. FML

Keep it down

Today, a Karate dojo opened under my apartment. It's like living in a Bruce Lee movie. FML

Today, I went to eat the orange I'd brought to work, but couldn't find it. After minutes searching, I found it. Nailed to the ceiling. FML