AlaskanG

Today, I got kicked out of my band by the guy who quit two weeks ago. The bad part? Everyone else agreed with him. FML

Creeped out

Today, while at the gym, I noticed a creepy-looking guy watching me. When I got up from the equipment, I noticed that he sniffed the seat. I didn't say anything the first time. After he did it the second time, I asked him to stop. He bent down and sniffed it without breaking eye contact. FML

Today, while looking for some socks in my mom's dresser, I found a male g-string and an edible bra. FML

Today, my mother decided to inform me that she doesn't believe canned food can have an expiry date and that the food is still okay to eat years after the 'supposed' expiry date. She's probably been cooking my dinner with expired food for over 17 years. FML

MY EYES

Today, it's been a little over a month since my dad started taking yoga lessons. We always joked around behind his back that he was just doing it so he could get flexible enough to suck himself off. Well, that joke was confirmed as reality when I walked in on him trying just that. FML

Today, the sewage pipe busted on the side of our house, spew fecal matter and the condoms I recently flushed. My parents now refuse to talk to me, and won't let my girlfriend anywhere near the house. FML

Today, my brother asked me if I wanted to see a magic trick. I stupidly said yes and now have a black eye from where he punched me. My dad thinks it's hilarious and my mum says he didn't know any better. He's 13. FML

Today, after I took my first set of exams, my professor posted on Twitter, scoffing at how stupid one student's answer was. The answer he quoted was one that I wrote. FML

Today, I came home from the army and explained to my family how tough it was there. Then, as I was walking away, I stubbed my toe on the couch, fell and cried. FML

Today, I burned my right boob. I got it by eating a hot pocket and accidentally spilling the extremely hot filling. I never thought I'd get laid before. This has just confirmed it. FML

Today, I ran out of toilet paper. I yelled from the bathroom for my parents to bring me some toilet paper. My dad slipped one tiny piece of toilet paper under the door and boomed, "THE FINAL TEST." FML

Today, I was helping my wife bring in the groceries. She was able to carry 4 bags and a jug of milk. I was struggling with 2 bags. FML

Today, after nearly a month, I found out my wife isn't pregnant after all. She was just screwing around to win a bet with her friends on how long it'd take me to figure out the truth. FML

Today, we finally moved into our new home, which my husband and I got mostly so our kids could have fun in the spacious backyard. The moment they stepped into the backyard, they were terrorized by the neighbor's dogs, and now refuse to go outside. FML

Candidly

Today, I finally gave in to my long-distance boyfriend's requests and texted him dirty things. Any time I would send him something, he would reply, "What?" or "What do you mean?" Either I'm not doing this right, or I'm in a relationship with the most innocent person ever. FML

Today, the snow in my backyard melted, revealing just how much dog shit accumulated underneath it this winter. FML

Today, I was working at a coffee shop. I was serving a customer when a cockroach appeared out of nowhere, and I screamed. Customers aren't supposed to know about the bugs so I had to lie and say I spilled coffee on myself, and served the customer while I felt the bug climbing up my leg. FML

Get on with it

Today, at the café I work at, I was yelled at by a woman because the drinks and food she ordered were "taking too long". Before I had the chance to get a word in, she stormed out and said she would never come back. I didn't get the chance to inform her that she hadn't ordered yet. FML

Today, while already late for work, a cop pulled me over. When he got to my window, he said, "Oh sorry, I thought I knew you," and sent me on my way. I was relieved, but still got written up for being late to work. My boss didn't believe the story. FML

Today, I watched a drunk guy getting thrown out of a bar, then get tased on the sidewalk outside. He was our designated driver. FML

Today, my nephews discovered how to trick my washing machine into starting up while the door is still open. My laundry room is now flooded, and their mom refuses to accept any responsibility for it. FML

Today, one of my most problematic students remained after class, whence he strongly insinuated his interest in receiving oral sex; I tried to convey just how inappropriate that was, when he interrupted, "Look, will you at least touch it?" FML

Today, I accidentally walked in on my mom cheating on my step-dad with my real dad. FML

Today, my boyfriend drove 20 miles to come see me. The closest we got to intimacy was him showing me how he could unlock his iPhone 5s with his penis. FML

Today, when I went to the shopping centre, the automatic door wouldn't open for me. I had to stand there and wait until someone else walked by to open it for me. I have dwarfism and this is a daily occurrence. FML

Today, my boyfriend's parents' parrot won't stop imitating my sex moans, and keeps doing it whenever I speak. FML

Today, my 808 area code phone number has yet again been mistaken for a 1-800 number. I've been getting phone calls at three in the morning from people on the east coast who are trying to return their shoes. They want to speak to my supervisor because I "don't sound professional enough." FML

Today, I met a cute guy, and everything went great. After a while, he asked me for my number and I gave it to him. Now he won't stop texting me, asking for pictures of my toes. FML

This is boring

Today, I am on vacation in Dubai with my dad and a few of his friends. I thought we were going to travel and see some amazing things, but I'm confined to my hotel room while everyone drinks and watches Family Guy. FML

Jah Rule

Today, I went on a blind date at a restaurant. My date took one look at me and said pityingly, "Stuffed your bra, didn't ya? Seriously, why even bother?" The douche then started trying to lecture me on "false advertising". FML