Today, I found out that the girl who my high school boyfriend cheated on me with is now the woman my husband is having an affair with. FML
Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents. Right when I arrived, his little sister said, "She's a lot fatter than you said!" FML
Today, I got to listen to my younger brother have sex with a girl while I sat in my room playing World of Warcraft on a Friday night. FML
Today, on the way to work, I was punched in the balls by a complete stranger. FML
Today, while on my break at work, my workmates convinced me to perform my "Indian accent" piece. Everyone laughed while I was doing it. Everyone, that is, but my Indian boss. FML
Today, I found out that my wife was having sex with my friend. It turned out that my genius cat realized it wasn't me there and attacked his balls, severely cutting them. I now have to kill my cat and pay for his medical bills to sew his balls back. FML
Today, I realized the birthmark I have on my chest isn't a birthmark at all; it's a third nipple. FML
Today, while going to work, I was mugged. On the way back, I was mugged. FML
Today, I was walking down the street and I saw an old man, and me feeling nice I asked him if I could help him cross the street. He responded with: "Only if you let me touch your tits." FML
Today, I discovered my parents have spent my college fund because "2012 will happen" before I graduate. FML
Today, my daughter was expelled from her school for beating another kindergartener with a Dr. Seuss book. FML
Today, I had to do 40 squats with a medicine ball. I always made fun of medicine balls my whole life because they looked so easy that even senior citizens did them. I passed out in the middle of the gym. FML
Today, while snow plowing I accidentally ran over my kid's basketball. I told him what had happened and he responded by spilling his ant farm into my underwear drawer. FML
Today, I acted like I always do when I'm alone in my seemingly sound-proof apartment. I sang loudly, talked back to the TV, used my vibrator. Later, in the silence of the night, I heard my neighbor next door YAWNING. FML
Today, I found some nude vintage pictures in my house. I decided to beat my meat to them. Later I found out it was my grandma. FML
Today, we got a speeding ticket in the mail with my drunk daughter's picture on it. She was waving at the camera. FML
Today, I found out my dad has a folder full of baby pictures and things that I drew when I was younger, labeled, "Shit from when Annie was cute." FML
Today, I found out everyone in my family thought the red toothbrush was theirs, and that all four of us have been using the same toothbrush for months. FML
Today, I went to get a tattoo of my girlfriend's name to surprise her. Halfway through the tattooing, she called and broke up with me. FML
Today, my boyfriend sent me a picture of his morning dump because it was heart-shaped. FML
Today, in the middle of the night, my girlfriend whispered "Are you asleep?" I chose not to respond, to see what she'd do. She then let rip a loud, stinking fart, giggled, and went back to sleep. FML
Today, in high school, we had a presentation about sex, condoms, etc. After a while, the lady explained that we should get to know our sexual organs better. "For example, my daughter looks at her vagina in front of a mirror to check it out." I’m her daughter. FML
Today, at the supermarket, my mother stopped in the middle of a lane and imitated a gorilla as a way of asking me from far away if I wanted any bananas. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave herself a black eye by running into a door. To avoid being teased about her clumsiness, she's telling everyone that I hit her. FML
Today, trying to be an old-school romantic, I asked my girlfriend, "Where art thou, my love?" via SMS. She replied, "Toilet." FML
Today, my college professor handed every student a note card and told us to rate his looks from 1 to 5. Is this what I pay $20,000 a year for? FML
Today, my brother and father thought it would be a good idea to wake me up by turning on a chainsaw while wearing hockey masks. FML
Today, I wanted to annoy my sister by playing the air horn app on my iPhone. I forgot that I had headphones in. Let's just say I quickly had to change my underwear. FML
Today, I woke up from my honeymoon to discover the love of my life is a bed wetter. FML
Today, I accidentally drank my sister's science project. Her science project consisted of taking a glass of orange juice and putting maggots in it to see if they would live. I thought it was just pulp. FML
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