Monsieur Ontario, Canada 27 ans Célibataire
Today, I got a call from my son's kindergarten teacher. Apparently my son asked a girl to marry him. After she said no, he stabbed her with a fork. FML
Today, I was waiting in line with my boyfriend behind me. I decided to hold his hand and rub his chest while we waited. Then I heard a female voice behind me that said, "Ma'am, please don't touch me." FML
Today, my mother informed me that we are no longer taking my graduation trip to New York. Instead, she and her group of continuously drunk friends are going to Vegas because, "We could win the jackpot and take you on an even bigger trip to New York!" She's never won anything in her whole life. FML
Today, I was going to have sex, so I went to my basement to get my builder bear that I had stuffed my condoms in. The bear was gone. My dad gave it to charity. 5ML
Today, as a priest's helper in church, I was giving Communion. It took me three people to realize that every time I was giving them the Eucharist, I was saying, "May the force be with you". FML
Today, I took a look at my 9-year-old daughter's diary, thinking it would be full of cute stuff. Instead, it was full of hateful rants against me and my husband, as well the boys at her school, who she called gay because none of them ever hit on her. It seems I've failed as a parent. FML
Today, the school counselor asked me to leave the grief counseling group I've being go to after the death of my sister. Apparently, I scare the others. FML
Today, my asshat roommate tricked me into eating a weed brownie. I thought it was his terrible attempt at baking regular brownies until it kicked in at college. I was so high, I started giggling like a schoolgirl when my instructor said "Dickens". Now everyone thinks I'm a retard. FML
Today, after telling my parents that I want to be a vegetarian, I got grounded. Apparently, "black people can't be vegetarians" and, I'm "crazy for even suggesting something like that." FML
Today, while mowing my backyard, I messily discovered that a family of rabbits has been living out there in the tall grass. FML
Today, my husband and I broke the news to my 10-year-old son that in about 8 months, he'll have a baby brother or sister. I knew he never wanted a sibling, but I didn't expect him to throw a tantrum, then look at me through teary eyes and scream, "Why can't you keep your fucking legs closed?" FML
Today, from across the parking lot, I saw a woman break into my car and steal my "Handicapped parking" placard. Guess why I couldn't stop her. FML
Today, I was swimming my routine laps at the gym's pool and a man came in and swam in the adjacent lane. While swimming freestyle, I smelled a really nasty fart. Not a minute later, he hurriedly left. I didn't realize what he had done until I saw "floating particles" in the water. FML
Today, I was having a rough day, so I decided to go to the movies to unwind. 15 minutes in, some assmunch behind me said "This movie sucks!" then dumped his drink over my head and ran out. FML
Today, after constant avoidance, I saw the man who slept with my mother and caused my parents to get divorced. I desperately wanted to punch him in the face, but instead I had to smile and shake his hand as he gave me my diploma. FML
Today, I submitted a poem for my English class. I had fun writing it, so I wrote a second which was not nearly as good. My procrastinator of a friend never did his, so I gave him my extra poem. Mine was given a 75% while "his" received a 93%. FML
Today, I was informed, after being broken up with, that my girlfriend's father only set her up with me so that she would have more motivation to shower on a regular basis. He actually yelled at me for being broken up with. FML
Today, my girlfriend came back from her mission trip with hickies all over her boobs. She said it wasn't cheating because she was doing God's work and that they canceled each other out. FML
Today, I found an unfamiliar ring in my purse. Thinking it was fake, I gave it to a little girl. Thanks to my mother, I later found out that the ring was my grandmother's and it was made of gold and had a real ruby. My mother added that my grandmother trusted me to keep it in our family. FML
Today, my docile gerbil was startled by a car alarm. He dove into my tank top and bit straight through my nipple. FML
Today, I had to sit through an entire movie where every time a new character was introduced, the guy sitting behind me would say, "My name is Jeff." FML
Today, I finally hooked up with my longtime crush. I told all my friends about it, because of course I was really excited. Until later that night, when he texted me, telling me not to tell anyone what had happened, and that it was a one time deal. Oh, and right after that, he asked me for nudes. FML
Today, I had decided that I was ready to have sex with my boyfriend. So, I called him and told him how naughty I felt, only to realize that I had called my dad. FML
Today, my son was planning on going clubbing. I disapproved, but no matter what I say he never listens, so I simply offered him some condoms so he doesn't end up knocking anyone up. He just said, "Nah, dad. Get 'em drunk enough and it's anal all the way." FML
Today, while working security at my job, for the second time, a man with Down's Syndrome entered the store, went to one of the demo computers, opened YouTube, pulled up a video of oiled women wrestling and jerked off. There is no protocol in the handbook for how to deal with this scenario. FML
Today, I asked my boss for a promotion. "You don't work here but I can give you a job application." I've been working here for 8 years. FML
Today, at work, the girl I've been into for the past 6 months confessed that she liked me, but also confessed she had sex with our boss. Our boss happens to be my dad. FML
Today, my "friends" pulled an elaborate prank on me. First, they changed my ringtone to a recording of someone saying "Allahu Akbar" on repeat. Then, they called me as we had a moment of silence in honor of the 9/11 victims. FML
Today, my parents pranked me hard. They spent breakfast messing with my head, all to convince me that I was dreaming. I got so excited at finally having a lucid dream that I ran outside in my pajamas, yelling, "Woo-hoo!" and trying to fly. Nothing happened. People saw. FML
Today, I was fired from my job because I would "scare" the customers. Two days ago, a coworker spilled fry oil onto the grill, causing flames to singe my eyebrows and the front of my hair off. FML
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