charvisioku

Today, while waiting for a bus, someone started smoking at the bus shelter, which is illegal in my city. I politely asked him to stop smoking, citing the city ordinance. He just cackled and said that if I'm so concerned about the state of my health, I should start by losing 90 pounds. FML

Today, I was using a public toilet when someone entered the stall next to mine. Instead of using the facilities, the person in there reached under the stall to steal my bag. Fortunately, I was holding the strap so they couldn't take it. Unfortunately, they decided to take my right shoe instead. FML

Today, I found out that if you whistle Christmas carols while shitting in a public bathroom, a little boy might just look under the stall to see if Santa is pooping. FML

Road rage gone feral

Today, while I was driving home, some jackass in an open-top sports car overtook us and flipped me off. Just as I overtook him in turn, my wife rolled down her window, pulled out her tampon, and launched it at the kid. I'm not sure who was more horrified, me or him. FML

Today, the Jehovah's Witnesses witnessed me whacking off on my couch. FML

Today, I was so out of it from a lack of sleep and an accidental antihistamine overdose, I tried to offer my cat a cup of tea, and actually got pissed off when he didn't reply. It took me a good five minutes to understand what just happened. FML

Lost in translation

Today, my friend showed off her new tattoo, which is supposed to say "bad bitch" in Italian, and I had to point out that it actually says "defective female". Her response was to cuss me out and inform me that I'm no longer part of her social circle. FML

Today, I caught my elderly neighbour skinny-dipping in my pool. FML

Today, I watched as my dad noticed a spider on the ceiling. Instead of getting a shoe, he pulled out a 9mm and shot it. I'm not sure if this is an epic win or a sign that my family is crazy. FML

Today, my manager called me into his office and spent half an hour screaming at me for granting one of our workers so many religious off-days. Apparently, the name of these "religious observances" actually means something to the effect of "scoring some pussy" in Macedonian. FML

Today, my mom and I somehow got into a serious argument over the ethics of capturing and training Pokémon. FML

Cool moves, dude

Today, I was listening to some Michael Jackson through my earphones when I saw this really cute girl. Trying to impress, I approached her while doing some dance moves, not thinking about how unbelievably stupid it must have looked without the music. FML

Today, I went to an orchestra concert. Halfway through the performance I had to fart really bad, so I decided to try and sneak it in while the orchestra was playing a loud exciting part. Just as I let it rip, there was a dramatic pause in the music. Everyone heard. FML

Today, an old guy approached me and asked if I had ever seen an elephant with white ears. I shook my head. He then pulled the pockets out of his shorts and whipped out his sex nose. FML

Today, I was on a date with a great guy, and we were really hitting it off. While we were walking in the park, a woman who smelled like the devil's toenails and looked as if she hadn't bathed in a year passed us. I whispered to my date, "Look at that disgusting woman." It was his mother. FML

Today, I sold yet another £100 bottle of lotion to a stuck-up teenage fashionista with less brain-power than the yapping bastard of a dog she carried in her arms. She did nothing but brag the whole time about her jewelry, and openly mocked me for only making minimum wage. FML

No refunds

Today, I went to the grocery store with three bags full of sausages that I'd drunkenly bought the night before. Even though the manager remembered me, he wouldn't give me a refund, and now I'll be lucky if I can pay my rent this month. FML

Backfire

Today, my dad was making coffee for the family. Half-way through, he excused himself to the bathroom, so for a laugh, I discreetly poured a load of salt into his drink. When he served us, I drank a mouthful and doubled over hacking. My dad barked, "I wasn't born yesterday, son." FML

Today, I finally hooked up with the girl of my dreams. We went back to her place, and I explored every inch of her body; luscious lips, hourglass curves, genital warts... The worst part was when she got angry when I refused to continue, shouting, "No wonder you're still a virgin!" FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that my vagina looks like Yoda. FML

Today, my father, who is going through a serious mid-life crisis, walked into my room, told me to "sit the fuck down," and spent the next two hours ranting about how the Lord of the Rings books prophesy the end of the world this December, and that Sauron is an analogy for "corrupt bankers." FML

Today, a man slapped me in the face with his newspaper because I didn't get out of his way fast enough at the train station. I guess he didn't notice I was on crutches. FML

Peckish

Today, I returned home to my parents' house, drunk. Hungry, I grabbed a slice of bread and some butter and took two mouthfuls. Five hours later, my mother woke me up and dragged me to the kitchen. In the middle of the table was a buttered, half-eaten sponge. FML

Epic prank bro

Today, I found out my late grandfather left me a significant amount of money in his will. I thought it was weird because he always acted like he hated me. When I got the envelope, there was $500,000 inside, all in Monopoly money. FML

Are you kidding me?

Today, my boss gave me a warning for "insulting our best customer" after she saw a comment on her customer card saying "stop giving this fat bitch free samples." My boss had written it in the first place, but refuses to either remember or admit it. FML

Today, at my job, an old lady kept calling her inhaler a blow job. I kindly explained to her why she couldn't call her inhaler that. She continued to ask me for a blow job in front of visitors. I had to say yes. FML

Today, my boyfriend used various infomercial phrases like, "Wait, there's more!" during sex. FML

Today, I realized the fastest way to wake up isn't from an alarm clock. It's from the warm, wet sensation of your old and senile cat peeing on you and your bed. I swear he was smiling. FML

Wrong 'un

Today, I met a girl I used to make fun of in high school. She was taking my fingerprints after I was arrested. FML

Weird pick up line, but OK

Today, I went out clubbing with a few friends. A cute guy pointed at me from the bar and motioned for me to come over. I was excited and did just that. Turns out he just wanted to ask me if I'd thought about seeing a doctor for my jaundice. No, I just overdid my spray tan. FML