Arcterion

Today, my girlfriend told me she lost her phone and not to call or text her. After about three hours, I text her phone, asking if she found it yet. I got a reply, saying "Nope." FML

Today, I found out that if you don't clean the inside of your sonicare toothbrush, it can grow masses of fungus. I've been brushing my teeth with a vibrating mushroom for the past 5 months. FML

Today, my mother's beloved cat died and we thought it would be nice to bury it in the back yard. I came home from work and while walking to the door saw that the cat had been dug up and partially eaten by the local raccoons and strays. FML

Today, I went to the doctor to try and get answers about the numbness and tingling in my right leg. The Dr told me I was too fat for my pants, and I pinched a nerve. FML

Today, I was woken up from a nap by my cat attacking my face. Evidently, my husband thought it would be funny to shine a laser pointer on my cheek. FML

Classic

Today, I was taking a group shot with my friends when I asked a stranger to take the picture for us. He backed up and told us to squish closer together, and when he was at least 20 feet away, he turned and ran off with my camera. FML

Today, I woke up excited for my trip to Jamaica with my friends. We went to the airport, and I gave them my passport to check in. They gave it back. It had expired three weeks ago. I watched my friends board the plane while I'm stuck in the city. FML

Today, I spent the entire day packing my car full of boxes for my move tomorrow. When I finally finished, I realized I didn't have the car key. It's inside one of the boxes. FML

Today, I was walking to my friends Halloween themed birthday party in my zombie costume. Apparently, my crazy coke addicted neighbor found the costume too realistic. He tackled me. FML

Bye bye

Today, the Fire Department found my car overturned in a ditch and on fire. It was two miles away from where I parked it about three hours ago. FML

Today, my computer stopped working. Me, the technology challenged one, decided to do a system recovery on it hoping that I could make it better. Turns out, system recovery means deleting all the files off the computer including family photos, music and assignments and starting fresh. FML

Today, I made a tuna sandwich. It was really nice , so I looked at the label to see what brand it was. Turns out it wasn't tuna. It was fancy cat food. FML

Today, after weeks of therapy for severe depression, my therapist thought it would be helpful to confess my deepest problems to my friends, to prove that it was alright to trust people. I did. They laughed. Hard. FML

Today, I noticed that my acne has gotten so bad, I can see it out of my peripheral vision. FML

Today, I drove my cousin to her wedding. The photographer said I was too ugly for the official photos so they searched the crowd for a good looking guy to pose as the driver in my new car. No one in the crowd stopped to defend me. My mom told me it's my own fault. FML

Nuts

Today, I was sitting around a bonfire when an ember landed on my crotch. Without thinking, I quickly slapped at it and hit myself square in the nuts. FML

WTH happened?

Today, I woke up after a night of drinking in my backyard. All I was wearing were my boxers and one sock. I staggered up to see my car halfway through my garage wall, with a note saying, "Sorry dude". FML

Today, I had to write a huge lab for my physics class. It's worth my entire quarter grade and I use a program on a CD for graphing. My mom thought it was a computer game and hid the CD. She can't find it. The lab's due tomorrow. FML

Smell you later

Today, I came home from work to my basement flooding. With sewage. That wasn't from our house. FML

Today, I got a red light camera ticket for $100 in the mail. After checking the date and time, I realized it was from when I was rear ended into the intersection while STOPPED at a red light. FML

Cut you out of my heart

Today, I saw photos of my boyfriend at his 25th birthday party. The one he told me was cancelled. FML

PTSD

Today, I flew in to visit my long distance girlfriend. When I got out of the cab, I saw her way down the street walking the dog, so I hid behind the bushes to scare/surprise her. Mission accomplished. I just wish I hadn't bought her that pepper spray. FML

Today, I got an email from the company that manages my cat's microchip informing me that I had to update my information that had been entered by the local Humane Society. Apparently, they listed my cat "Coral" as the owner, and me as the pet. To change it, they needed the cat's signature. FML

Today, I retook my ACT. I have been fighting a cold all week and have been very sneezy lately. Midway through the test, I got the urge to sneeze. Since it was very quiet and I didn't want to disturb the peace, I tried to hold my sneeze in. I ended up letting out a huge fart instead. FML

Today, I was stopped by a cop while walking down the street. He was slowly trailing me before pulling along side of me and asking how my night was going. He then said, "You know I can't let you do this. Know those new jeans you bought? The sticker is still on the leg" and drove off. FML

Good deed of the day

Today, I was at a music festival when a group of idiots decided to push over a port-a-loo (portable toilet). I rushed over and tried to hold it up to save the person inside from a very messy and embarrasing scene. Not only did the door open, covering me in excrement, but there was no-one inside. FML

Biker troubles

Today, when approaching a stop light on my motorcycle, I went to extend my left leg as usual to balance when stopped. Apparently my shoelace loop got wrapped around the shift lever and "tied" my shoe to the bike. It's hard to look cool when you fall over for no apparent reason at a stoplight. FML

Today, I met my new roommate. I also met her stuffed animals, who introduced themselves to me. My roommate makes inanimate objects talk. FML

Today, I was walking out of class when I saw a girl enthusiastically run to her boyfriend, jump on him, and smother him with kisses. I thought to myself "I wish my girlfriend did that." When the girl jumped off and turned around I realized she did, just not to me. FML

Silver linings

Today, I went shopping for a new pair of jeans. I was feeling good about the fact that I was going down a waist size until the cashier decided to discuss with me, three co-workers, and the ten other people in line how she didn't even know jeans came in sizes that big. FML