Chochoholic

Today, I excitedly told my husband that I'm pregnant with our first child. With the most shit-eating grin, he said, "Hi, Pregnant. I'm Dad." FML

Today, I woke up next to my boyfriend. He gazed at me, stroked my cheek, and said, "Christ, you really need something for this acne." FML

Today, I was roused from my peaceful slumber by the sound of evil laughter coming from my closet. It was my old Furby, with dead batteries, that I could have sworn I got rid of several years ago. FML

Today, my friend took me tandem skydiving. When it was time to jump, he began crying, said he'd cut our parachute cords, then said "Goodbye, cruel world!" and pushed me off the plane with him strapped to my back. I pissed myself and cried like a bitch. He thinks his "prank" was hilarious. FML

Today, I almost died. My friends dragged me unconcious, hypothermic and half-drowned out of the sea. A helicopter took me to the hospital where they brought me back to life. My family's reaction? "You aren't dying so we don't have to come to the hospital." They wouldn't even bring me clothes. FML

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It was all going great until he decided to try talking dirty. His idea of this was moaning loudly, "Just what the pussy ordered" as he entered me. FML

Today, my boyfriend picked his nose and tried to stick his booger up my nose, claiming that it was time to plant his "seed." FML

Today, I told my grandpa that I want to join the police force. His response: "You wanna lynch some blacks without the jail time, eh?" FML

Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with the guy I like. He couldn't get it up and awkwardly tried to stick his limp penis in. FML

Today, my mother accused me of "cooking cocaine", after she found a slightly discoloured spoon in my room. FML

Today, I got jumpscared, by my freshly-bathed grandma coming out of the bathroom without a towel on. FML

Today, I tried to get my boyfriend's attention by taking my bra off and tossing it at him. He only put it on as a hat and kept playing his video games. FML

Today, I walked in on my younger cousin trying to find Minecraft porn. FML

Today, my acne reached a new low. Literally. I'm now getting bright red pimples on my penis. FML

Today, I had to explain to my seventeen year-old daughter that deep frying food doesn't "melt the calories." FML

Today, I'm still awake from not sleeping last night. The reason? At 2am I was in my garage when all of a sudden someone's phone went off outside. I live in the country and no one should be out there. Looks like I'm not sleeping for the next few weeks. FML.

Today, my brother walked in on me jerking off. I managed to close the porn tab, at least, only to end up on my mom's Facebook profile. FML

Today, while explaining to a group of kids that monkeys are very intelligent creatures, one of them flung poo in my face. FML

Today, I finally broke my two-year dry spell, but as she was putting on the condom, I came. She laughed from the time she was putting on her clothes to when she walked out the door. I don't think she's going to call back. FML

Today, I was a TA for a history class and the class was taking a test. About halfway through, I noticed one kid had a small piece of paper in his hand. I ran up the row, grabbed his test, and ripped it into four pieces. Then I took the note from him. It said "I believe in you, -Mom." FML

Today, I went to the drug store to pick up some Monistat for a yeast infection. As I was leaving the store, the security alarm went off. The attractive security guard asked to see my receipt, smiled, told me I looked nice, so I handed him the receipt. His face then abruptly changed to a look of disgust. FML

Today, I used text-to-speech just so that I can hear "I love you" for once. FML

Damper

Today, my fiancé and I were fooling around when his foreskin ripped and bled all over the place. After a trip to the emergency room, the doctor told us no sex for six weeks to let it heal. We're getting married and going on our honeymoon in two weeks. FML

Today, I was hooking up with a guy I just met. Things were getting hot and heavy and he asked me if I had a condom. I said no, and to which he replied "that's okay, we can just use a sock" and pulled his sock off of his left foot. FML

Today, I was bet 100 dollars that I couldn't break a piece off a brick with my head. I couldn't, and I have two gashes in my head now. FML

Unwarranted

Today, I was dumped. I ran home and cried and ranted on and on to my mother. After about 10 minutes of talking, she threw a book at my face and said, "No wonder he dumped you! You can't shut up!" FML

Mixing it up

Today, I woke up next to my boss naked. We are both women and she is married. Work should be interesting tomorrow. FML

Thorn in my side

Today, during swimming in PE, I kept noticing a stinging feeling on my scrotum. Every time I jumped into the water I would feel a sharp stab. After the full hour of hell, I went to the bathroom and looked in my new trunks. The designer had left a sewing needle in the crotch netting. FML

Today, trying to be kinky while giving my boyfriend a blow job, I whipped him with my ponytail. He was thrilled, until I accidentally head-butted his dick. He curled up into a ball and wouldn't let me touch him again. FML

Today, I was at the store with my kids. My 5-year-old son wanted to carry the milk carton, so I let him. He dropped it and it spilled. I was really embarrassed. Then he decided to get on the floor and lick the milk off the ground. Everyone stared at me accusingly. FML