TennoAsura

Today, I met my boyfriend's entire extended family at a party. All of them, including his dad, said I looked exactly like his mum. FML

Today, I went to Sunday school for the first time. The priest assured us we could ask him anything, so I did. When class ended the priest pulled me and my mom aside and asked her to stop bringing me to Sunday school until "she learns not to question the bible and accept what she is told." FML

Today, my attention-seeking sister-in-law came to my 20 week ultrasound and afterward, without my knowledge, took it upon herself to announce the gender to Facebook and call the entire family, telling them "we're having a boy" nullifying any need for the announcement I had spent 4 weeks planning. FML

Today, I got reverse suspended for correcting my teacher. Now my mom has to go to all my high school classes with me for a week. FML

Today, I found out why the rent is so cheap in my new house. Apparently the previous tenants violated their lease by keeping illegal exotic pets. They responded to fines and eviction by letting all the animals loose in the basement, like the (admittedly gorgeous) albino cobra I found curled on my laundry. FML

Today, while I was at the gym, I saw a guy walk into the girls locker room. I was walking nearby so I said, "Hey man, that's the wrong one." Turns out it was just a very masculine-looking woman, with a very masculine haircut. FML

Today, my wife and I drove to the other side of the country to attend a swingers party where we thought no one knew us. So did my parents. FML

Great balls of fire

Today, my hand is covered in blisters because my boyfriend thought it would be fun to set an old insurance card on fire. Out of panic, he slapped the card against the wall in a failed attempt to put it out. Also out of panic, I slapped the flaming wall with my bare hands. FML

Today, the last parking space outside my work was tiny but I tried to parallel park there in desperation. A school kid saw the whole attempt and sarcastically clapped me as I gave up and drove away. FML

Respect, my foot

Today, my boss fired me for "disrespecting" him after I told him to fuck off. This would be understandable, if I hadn't said it when he was at my house for dinner, harassing my wife with suggestive poses, heavily implied comments, and trying to put his hand on her crotch. FML

Debate perverts

Today, my music students began a lively debate about whether or not a music stand would make a good weapon for the zombie apocalypse. What am I teaching them? FML

Today, my girlfriend called my flaccid penis her "little squishy" in a voice like Dory, and became upset when I got aroused because little squishy was gone. FML

Today, it's the 6th day that we have been snowed in. We haven't left the house, because we can't. I've done at least 30 hours of Legos. FML

Today, my wife decided to end our dry spell of four months and started dry humping and kissing me in bed. Things were going well until she orgasmed from the activity and declared that she was too tired to do any more, rolled over, and fell asleep. Five months or bust. FML

Today, I was at work refreshing the shelves when a man turned the corner and said, very surprised, "You look 12!" A few weeks back, two people did the same thing, only they said I looked 9. I'm almost 21 years old, and just very short. Starting to get just a little self conscious here. FML

Today, I accidentally uploaded a video of me pleasing myself to my Snapchat story. Five people saw it before I could take it down. FML

Today, my 6 brothers and I (a girl) were finally finding out the sex of my mom's baby. It's going to be another boy. FML

Today, while giving my boyfriend what I thought was an amazing blow job, he asked me if I'd seen Kung Fu Panda 3 yet. FML

Today, I went to Walmart with all my birthday money, which I had in a wallet with my permit and everything else. I was sat on a bench looking for items for my iPod Touch However… I left my wallet behind. Turns out an old couple stole it. I got my shit jacked by grandparents. FML

Today, I had a meeting with a potential roommate to rent a 2/2 space and it was going well. We laughed, joked, and seemed to get along and want the same things. At the end of the conversation, however, he said he needed to "pray" about his decision to room with an atheist. This probably won't work out. FML

Today, in response to a text asking if I wanted to meet for brunch, I wrote, "Oh dear god I'm so hungover I could die and I'm still in my same clothes from last night. Not a chance." It was our 5-year college reunion and the number I sent that to was actually an old professor, not an old friend. FML

Today, my son shaved his eyebrows. Two days ago, I caught my 10-year-old daughter watching porn. I'm totally winning at parenting. FML

Today, my grandmother got my future mother in law's phone number somehow. She managed to upset her so much that my fiancé now wants to call off the wedding. FML

Freaked out

Today, I just patrolled my entire house with a fucking hammer and flashlight because my cat stepped on a fucking creaky floorboard. It's 2 a.m. FML

Today, I pulled a muscle at work doing a cartwheel. I was doing the cartwheel to prove to one of my students that adults can do cartwheels too. FML

Here I go again

Today, I went to start my new job, only to find out that the guy who hired me had no permission to do so. I had to fill out another application, and complete another interview and I still might not get the damn job. FML

Today, I'm attending a party where drunken women just can't seem to keep their clothes on. Those drunken women are my daughters. FML

Today, after smoking, I sat down to watch Supernatural with my young cousin. I accidentally let out a burp during a demonic possession scene and, to our surprise, smoke came out of my mouth. Now there's a crying 11-year-old hiding somewhere in the house with salt. Mom will be home in 5 minutes. FML

Today, I finally brought a girl home from college. While I was making her some coffee, my roommate came down in her underwear, pretended to be my girlfriend, and asked if we were having a threesome. My date left before I could explain, and my roommate thinks it's fucking hilarious. FML

Today, my family and I were going to my grandparents' for Christmas. As my car was totaled recently, I had to get a ride with them. They left without me in the time it took to put my shoes and socks on. FML