Fylminesawsome

Today, I was watching a movie in the basement with my boyfriend when we started to get a little frisky. My mom walks down with dirty laundry and tells him to stop it because I'm creaming all over my undies. She showed him a pair of dirty ones to prove it. FML

Thanks, Mr Whiskers

Today, while I was on the toilet, my cat managed to climb up behind me, slip and then grip itself to my bare ass. In my haste to get away from the cat, I pooped on the toilet without noticing. Until I sat back down. FML

Today, I dropped off my 19 year old daughter at her first job. It's at a strip club. FML

Impressive

Today, I was at the gym trying to impress a hot girl, so I put an extra 30 pounds on the bar, I lowered, pushed... and pooped. FML

The Beach Boys

Today, I went to the beach. While I was enjoying the sun, an old man with prosthetic leg and no clothes on sat next to me. He took off his fake leg and put it behind his head. Then he opened his legs revealing his "stuff." I will never unsee this. Ever. FML

Today, I found out where all my missing panties have gone, when my 12-year-old daughter was caught selling them to the boys at school. FML

Today, I had to get a prostate exam. Right before the doctor started, he told me that if I found it awkward at all, I should just imagine I was being probed by aliens. FML

That's one way to start the weekend

Today, my mom called me from jail. She was arrested for having sex in public. I was with my dad when I got the call. FML

To catch a perv'

Today, I set up a spy cam in my room to find out which one of my pervy brothers has been using my computer to watch porn. Turns out it was actually my father. I now have a video of him sitting in my chair masturbating, and I can't get it out of my head. FML

Today, I was walking in the park, when a kid ran up and hit me in the stomach. He said, "Don't get mad, get glad!" and ran off. FML

Today, I was cleaning one of my disabled clients because he pooped himself, so I started to undress him for a shower. I took his dirty diaper off and set it on his bed, then I bent over to take off his socks at which point he put the diaper on my head like a hat. FML