okokalright

Today, I told my boyfriend I was scared to open up to him because I had lost people in the past by doing so. After an hour of him trying to convince me to share my thoughts with him, I finally agreed to tell him some things that were worrying me. He broke up with me a minute later. FML

Today, my 4-year-old son's daycare called because he kissed a few girls. They explained he can't walk up and kiss little girls. I thought the situation was under control, until I was called an hour later to remove him from the premises for kissing little boys. FML

Let's go for a walk

Today, my friend and I were getting picked up by his dad after a carnival. As I put my stuff in the back of the car and shut the door to walk around to get in the other side, his dad drove off, thinking I was in the car, leaving me to walk up their hill. It was midnight and I ended up lost. FML

Today, my husband and I told my parents that I finally managed to conceive. My mom burst into tears of joy and said how great it was that she's finally going to be a "real" grandma, all within earshot of our adopted and now-devastated daughter. FML

Today, I was talking to my mom about my issues with my girlfriend. While she was sympathizing, she slowly picked up my wallet, took $100 and left. FML

Today, I had an argument with my boyfriend who was accusing me of only being in a relationship with him because I'd fantasised about being with an Asian. When I told him he was wrong, he asked me what attracted me to him in the first place. "Your eyes" was definitely the wrong answer. FML

Always prepared

Today, some friends got upset with me as I wouldn't leave work early and cycle 12 miles to meet them to fix their punctures because they had no spare tubes or repair kits. The same friends that always mock me for being so prepared on bike rides. FML

Today, my idiot kid brother set my shirt on fire with a magnifying glass while I was taking a nap outside. FML

Today, I gave a group presentation. Because I didn't know the last names of my group members, I'd put fake ones in, intending to replace them later. I forgot to change them and I ended up giving a presentation alongside a very angry Greg Penishead and Josh Acne. FML

Today, I was at my boyfriends house and we were having sex. He has a game on in the background and one of his friends started talking to him. He immediately threw me off and said "I have to answer this." He went over to his computer and started talking to them. FML

Today, I came home to my wife practising biting her lip in the mirror. Fuck you, Fifty Shades of Grey. FML

Today, I had a 5 hour exam. The exam guard had clearly eaten something funky, because she kept burping loudly. When I thought it couldn't get any worse, she started farting. FML

Today, at a big family dinner, my dad said, "Pfff, gays don't have it hard at all. The things a guy has to do for sex with a girl? Crazy. All a gay guy has to do for sex is become an altar boy!" My husband's side of the family is very religious, and all hell quickly broke loose. FML

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. Within minutes, they said I needed to leave. Their reason? Apparently, I was mocking her dad's speech impediment. I also have one but they wouldn't believe me. FML

Today, to prove that my girlfriend is a "total skank", my best friend seduced her and showed me the video he secretly filmed of it. FML

Today, my dad remarried, but he didn't want me to come. I'm told he didn't want me to ruin his pictures or make his guests feel uncomfortable, all because I had my leg amputated in April. FML

Keeping it in the family

Today, after nearly 2 years, my now ex-girlfriend decided she was ready to have sex. Specifically, sex with my dad. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I said I wouldn't find her attractive in 20 years. What I actually said was that I wouldn't sleep with her mother now, who happens to be 20 years older than her. FML

Today, my boss broke off our relationship because he said it's inappropriate. I really liked him, but I accepted it and respected his integrity. A few hours later, I found out he's now dating my colleague. FML

Today, I happily announced to my parents that I'm pregnant. My dad later handed me a printout containing a list of nearby abortion clinics. FML

Today, my brother said he was cleaning his room. When I walked in, he was giving my cousin a blowjob. FML

Today, while I was pulling weeds, my dad thought it would be absolutely hilarious to yell "Hey, son!" then unload his gun at me when I turned around. After I'd screamed like a bitch and pissed myself, he broke down into hysterical laughter and said he'd loaded the gun with blanks. Fuck you, dad. FML

Today, I thought the girl I was seeing was going to tell me that she loved me. Instead, she told me how she sucked some other guy's dick. FML

Today, I saw my ex for the first time since we broke up. We were on a train next to each other for 6 hours, to a festival where our tents were pitched next to each other. We're here for 5 days. FML

Today, I dyed my hair purple. I came out of the salon and a little girl walked past and said, "Wow, you look like a mermaid!", to which her mother quickly said, "No she doesn't, she looks like her parents don't love her." FML

Today, my mother called me a slut and unladylike because I prefer beer instead of wine. Apparently, beer's only for "unladylike sluts". FML

Twit to who

Today, I had yet another debilitating migraine that kept me awake. In the middle of the night, I heard an owl hooting. Thinking it was cool, I moved closer to the open window to hear better. After a few minutes, I realized it was actually my new neighbor having loud sex. My aunt moved in next door. FML

Today, I met my Canadian friend at the airport. As we were heading into the city, I told him not to worry about all the US stereotypes and that gun crime in my city is rare. A few hours later, we witnessed a guy get shot in the street in broad daylight. Now he's too scared to leave the house. FML

Today, I had an extreme panic attack in the middle of class. I interrupted another person's presentation, burst into tears, and ran out of class whilst everyone looked at me. FML

Today, a phone I bought online turned up while I was at work. The delivery guy left a note saying he'd left the package with my neighbor at #10. When I went and knocked on the door and asked for the package, my neighbor said "Nope, nothing delivered here." and quickly shut the door in my face. FML