Today, while talking to one of my parents' friends, we discovered that the house he grew up in is the same house my boyfriend now lives in. When he recalled that he lost his first tooth there, the only response I could come up with was, "Oh my gosh, I lost my virginity there!" FML
Today, I was at a café with my friends when an elderly man noticed my dimples. He came up to me, stroked them while whispering, "One in a million" then walked out. Now my friends do this to me constantly, even while driving home. I almost hit a tree. FML
Today, I paused the movie my girlfriend and I were watching and told her, for the first time, that I loved her. Her response was to stare at me silently for a few seconds before unpausing the film. FML
Today, while on a first date with a charming guy, I excused myself to the bathroom. I tried to bring my purse along, since my pads were in there, and mother nature was calling. He vehemently insisted that I leave my purse, in case I was planning on stiffing him on the bill. FML
Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband reacted by going out and smoking weed, then getting completely shitfaced, and having his buddies drag his nearly-comatose carcass back home from a strip club. FML
Today, when I got home I noticed a statue of a gnome sitting next to the door. I've had an intense phobia of gnomes since I was a child, and I can't bring myself to walk past it. It's been half an hour and I'm still standing outside. I can see my dad through the window laughing and waving. FML
Today, my uncle keeps spamming me on Facebook with friend suggestions. Most of them are people he met on porn sites. FML
Today, both my car and my father's car were broken into. They stole my radio, purse, wallet, camera, and multiple items of clothing. What did they take from my dad's car? Some screwdrivers to help rip my radio out of my dashboard. FML
Today, I was having sex with my new boyfriend, and I realized that he enjoys making airplane sound effects while inserting himself inside of me. Moment ruined. FML
Today, I unknowingly used my shampoo thinking it was leave-in-conditioner. While walking to work, it started to rain. I started to produce suds. FML
Today, my wife is pregnant and sick. She switches from sobbing she's sorry for that, to blaming me for "doing this to me." On top of that, I have half her symptoms now: throwing up and crying for no reason. This will be a long 9 months. FML
Today, I started charging my phone in the car during a family road trip. The car recognized my iPhone as an MP3 player and started playing the audio from the porn video I watched before we left. Everybody heard. FML
Today, I got an offer to study at a good university. My father has been pushing me to apply for years, so I ecstatically broke the news. Instead of congratulating me, he just grunted and delivered the more important news that he's divorcing my mum. Moment ruined. FML
Today, my friend and I were trying out a site on which you talk to strangers using a mic and webcam. We came across a cute guy, who said to my friend, "Tell the fat guy to move." He was referring to me. I'm a girl. FML
Today, I was at a restaurant with my boyfriend. He wound up drinking a whole bottle of wine, and when the bill came he drunkenly yelled at the waiter, claiming it should be free, because he's in the military "fighting for your freedom". He's a mechanic in the National Guard. FML
Today, I realized my girlfriend makes the same exact noises in bed and when she eats. I don't know if I'm a really good cook or a really bad lover. FML
Today, I went out to meet a wonderful woman I'd chatted with online. I did have a few fears about if she was really just some guy trying to make a fool out of me. When I met her, she really was a girl, and was happy to see me. Problem: she was actually 13. I'm 34. FML
Today, at the reading of my mother's last will and testament, I found out that despite having cared for her for the final years of her life, she denied me an inheritance. She basically said I'm an embarrassment, because when she wrote it, I was 31 years-old, with no wife or children. FML
Today, while out hiking, my phone slipped out of my pocket. I caught it and gave it to my little cousin, giving her a "special mission" to keep it safe. When we got back to our cars later, I asked her for my phone back. Turns out she left it under a shrub back in the hills so it'd be "safe." FML
Today, I visited my grandparents' house. While getting a drink from the fridge, I noticed the Christmas card my family sent them had my face scratched out. When I confronted them about it, they said it was the cat. They don't have a cat. FML
Today, my fiancé decided he wants a baby only because our dog is good, quiet, and falls asleep as soon as he starts to cradle her. He thinks a baby will be just like that. FML
Today, I was running on the treadmill at my local gym when I saw a girl I like a lot. I called out to her to say hi. As she was coming over, I accidentally stepped on the belt with one foot, crashed down on the treadmill, and continued to slide down in front of her, emerging with a gashed knee and arm. FML
Today, I came out to my parents. They laughed in my face. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm too "high maintenance". And that's because I ask him to use condoms when we have sex, and I refuse to invite my friends over for threesomes. I don't know why I'm not actually glad we are broken up. FML
Today, I was on a plane and realized that the woman next to me was hiding a hedgehog in a plastic container. I'm severely afraid of hedgehogs but not wanting to give the woman up and get her in trouble, I tried to stay quiet. Which led to me to quietly hyperventilate and pass out on the plane. FML
Today, an intoxicated gentleman stumbled into my shop requesting alcohol, which I do not sell. When I informed him of this, he expressed his disappointment by urinating on the floor. FML
Today, my partner was inspired by 50 Shades Of Grey to try making me orgasm with a full bladder, therefore intensifying the experience. He was right, it was mind blowing. It also made me piss the bed for the first time in twenty-odd years. FML
Today, my son sprayed Axe body-spray all over the house in the vain hope of covering up the scent of the joints he'd been smoking. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I took a nap on my couch. She used my arm as a pillow, and everything was pretty peaceful, until she moved over and practically dislocated my shoulder. My screams of pain woke her, which was apparently an "asshole move" on my part. FML
Today, my son volunteered to help me cut out coupons. When I got to the register at the store, I noticed he'd cut off all the barcodes. FML
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