nevereyes

Today, I saw a kid getting bullied; a girl was hitting him in the head. After having an inner struggle with what to do, I tried to stop them. Both kids then turned on me, and called me a "hippo". FML

Today, my mum begged me to let her put fake nails on me to practice for her styling exam. I've been sitting on the toilet for the past half an hour trying to figure out how to wipe without damaging something. FML

Art is art

Today, I found out that my 15-year-old son is a prolific creator of My Little Pony themed hentai. I'm not a judgmental man, but he's probably going to hell. FML

Today, I went shopping for a wedding dress at a fancy store. The proprietor took one look at me, said they don't have any dresses large enough for me, and asked me to leave. No wonder my self-confidence is in the gutter. FML

Today, some pig slapped my ass as he passed me in the street, then looked back at me with a dirty grin. His grin turned to horror when he realized that I'm actually a guy, then to anger as he bitched me out for "tricking" him by "looking like a chick". FML

Today, after being a vegetarian for 5 years, I found out that my boyfriend of 2 years has secretly been feeding me meat. His reason is that he thinks it's "funny" that I still call myself a vegetarian afterwards. FML

Today, I let my coworker use my PC during lunch, because his was having problems. A few hours later, my boss called me into his office and gave me hell for apparently looking at furry porn during lunch break. He won't believe my explanation. For fuck's sake, Dave. FML

Today, the only birthday present I got was a gift card to a steak house. Not a bad gift, but I'm a vegan. FML

Today, I went to a restaurant and asked for vegetarian options. They told me, "We have a chicken Caesar salad, will that work?" FML

Today, I'm so out of shape that I got winded from getting out of bed. FML

Today, I was at a party. A guy kept looking at me, so I tried to strike up a conversation with him. I realized he was drunk when he slurred, "Ya know, you're the only girl I've met that's fat AND flat chested!" There goes my self-esteem. FML

Today, I found out that my daughter not only has a boyfriend, but that they're trying for a baby. She's barely 15. FML

Fighting talk

Today, while shopping, I told my wife I'd love some pork chops for dinner. Someone nearby muttered, "That's practically cannibalism, ya fat pig." My wife immediately had a "coughing attack" that sounded suspiciously like it was covering up laughter. FML

Today, I found out my parents have been slipping birth control pills into my morning orange juice since I was 13. FML

Today, I went for a three-mile run. I was really proud of myself until I woke up from my dream in my bed, surrounded by empty soda bottles and fast food bags. I haven't worked out in years. FML

Today, I tried to get my son off of the couch by turning off the wifi. Afterward, I went to watch tv. Turns out he got me back by turning off the cable. FML

Saved

Today, my daughter posted a poem on Facebook about how her father and I abused her for years. It's a complete lie and an obvious attempt to impress her boyfriend, whom she thanked for "rescuing" her. I've received several hateful messages already, along with threats to report me to CPS. FML

Today, it was my last day at my job. My team made a little party for me so they could wish me well and say goodbye, but when it came time for my manager to give a little speech, she couldn't even remember my name. I've been working there for two years. FML

Sunny day

Today, I was told to rub in my sunscreen because I looked like a ghost. I wasn't wearing any. I'm just that white. FML

Rude!

Today, I went to the eye doctor with my little brother. There were only three chairs and one was occupied by a woman. I sat at the far end, but as soon as I sat down, I heard my little brother yell out loud, "I DON'T WANT TO SIT NEXT TO THE FAT LADY!" FML

Surprise!

Today, I woke up to a loud bang. Thinking someone had broken in, I grabbed my hunting knife and ran downstairs, only to find my TV on the floor, completely destroyed, and my cat casually sitting next to it without a care in the world. FML

Today, I kept my cats indoors to be safe on Halloween, making sure to keep the food full and litter boxes clean. After dinner, I got dressed up and spent two hours at a party. When I got home, there was a large, rancid butt-loaf waiting on my bed. Unappreciative little fuckers. FML

Today, I yelled at a new employee for violating the company's makeup policy which is minimum coverage. She had red lipstick, very dark drawn eyebrows, and foundation that made her look like a ghost. She took out a makeup wipe and used it then showed me it, only to reveal she doesn't wear any. FML

Today, I agreed to catsit for a friend. Her cat rode back to my house sitting on my shoulder in the car. As soon as I opened the door, he jumped out and ran off into the woods. It's been 2 1/2 hours and not even food will entice him back to me. FML

Clever

Today, after putting the same load of laundry through the wash four times, I was wondering why my clothes kept smelling worse and worse. Turns out, my cat learned how to open and pee in the detergent funnel. FML

Baywatch

Today, in my lifeguarding course, I had to pull a 200-pound boy out of the pool in an exercise to practice using our legs when lifting. I, being only 90 pounds, tried pulling and ended up falling into the pool, landing with my lady parts on his face. FML

Today, my father gave me and my sister $50 each because he got a bonus and wanted to spread it around. Then he asked for our report cards. My sister did well, but I didn't, barely scraping by on C's. After seeing my report card, he told me to give the $50 back. So, love is conditional, Dad? FML

Today, my husband still hadn't gotten me anything for Christmas, so I bought and wrapped my own presents. Then I had my husband write 'to me, from him' on them so that I won't be embarrassed in front of my family on Christmas when it comes time to open presents. FML

Today, I went to a Christmas party to visit family. Dinner time came around and I sat down at the table to eat. All of the food either had nuts or meat. I am allergic to nuts and I've been a vegetarian for three years. FML