Airch

Butterfingers

Today, I dropped my urine sample on my pants. Not only do I now not have a sample, it looks like I pissed myself. FML

Today, after having my jaw wired shut for 2 months, I finally got to eat. During the first bite of my sandwich I pulled my jaw out of place. FML

Today, my dad bought a one hundred dollar collectible light-saber. He plays with it. In the front yard. With sound effects. FML

I'm bad at confrontation

Today, I accidentally forgot my glasses in a store bathroom. When I finally noticed, I went back to find that someone was wearing them as he was walking out of the store. I didn't have the balls to call him out on it. FML

Today, my boyfriend called me and dumped me. Thirty minutes later he called asking for me back. When I asked why, he said "The other girl dumped me." FML

Today, while stuck in a traffic jam, my son silently changed my gear to reverse. FML

Reunited

Today, my boyfriend told me he had to go pick up his family from the airport. I assumed he meant his parents. He apologized and said he meant his wife and child. They'd got their Visas sooner than he'd thought. FML

Sorry, son

Today, a little boy called me, crying that "Grandma died" in a broken voice. I just didn't have the heart to say, "Wrong number." FML

Today, I went on a dinner date with the guy I like. He ate all his food then started eating off my plate, going on to eat over half of my food. When the bill came, he made me pay for it. FML

Today, I was walking with my crush, and I told him how I felt. As soon as I turned to him, a bird shit on my face. FML

Hello?

Today, I lost my cat. It's deaf, so no matter what I do it can't hear me. FML

Today, my dog had to choose between protecting me from a mugger or eating an apple. He chose the apple. FML

Today, the estranged crumbs in my toaster caught light while I was making breakfast. The toast, toaster, and my wooden bench are now little more than collateral damage. FML

Today, I dropped my Blackberry, but thanks to the protective gel case that I just purchased for it... it bounced and fell right into a sidewalk drainage sewer. FML

Today, my boyfriend tried to cure me of my snake phobia by buying one. When he took it out of the cage, it bit him. Now he's terrified of them too. Even worse, he dropped the snake, so it's now loose in our house. FML

Today, I was sitting beside a very cute girl on a 3 hour bus trip with my class. She fell asleep, head on my lap. She woke up because my erection was jabbing her in the cheek. FML

Today, I was walking in the park with my girlfriend, when out of nowhere, I was savaged and brutally humped into submission by a massive Great Dane. Not only did my girlfriend watch it all, but the dog's owner took the time to snap a few pictures with his phone. Neither bothered to help me. FML

So good it's bad

Today, I went down on my girlfriend. In the midst of her orgasm, she grabbed my head with her legs, performing a submission most UFC fighters could be proud of, and she held on for so long that I almost suffocated. FML

Terrible prank

Today, while I was in my room sleeping, my little brother deemed it necessary to come in and drop a book on my face. When I sat up with a now bloody nose, he looked at me, pointed, and said "You've just been Facebooked" and ran away giggling. FML

Today, I was pissed that I got a £60 parking ticket so rang my friend to rant about it. I then got pulled over by the cops for using my phone, and was fined £120. FML

Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he stopped, got off, walked into the kitchen grabbed a doughnut, and came back to finish while he ate it. FML

Snow day confusion

Today, I went to shovel the massive amount of snow that was on our car. After spending time in the cold wind, I finally finished, realizing it wasn't my car. It was an identical car. FML

Keep it down

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I reached climax. While I was screaming, my 4 year-old son came in with his water gun because he thought I was in trouble. FML

Today, I found out that my mom screams like a dying monkey while having sex. Even with my music turned up all the way, I can still hear her through our paper thin walls. FML

Today, I finally got a reply to the letter to a celebrity that I had to write for my English class. It was a restraining order. FML

Today, my mum got an electric car. It's so quiet that we could hear the bones of my cat break as we reversed over it on the driveway. FML

Today, my sister lost a leg. Immediately after hearing the news, my boyfriend started cracking jokes about getting her a job at IHOP. FML

Today, my Dad thought "Joseph" and "Francis" were two people hacking our internet. They are actually the names of my laptop and iPod, which have now been blocked from using our modem. He can't figure out how to unblock them. FML

Today, in an effort to make new friends in my history class, I sat in the empty seat next to a friendly-looking guy. He got up, walked away, and sat down in a different seat. FML

Today, I spent three and a half hours creating a Wikipedia page for myself. Three minutes after publishing, it was deleted due to me being a "Non-notable person nobody's ever heard of." FML