DntLookBack

Today, I explained to my roommate that if she kept using all of our kitchen utensils as sex toys and hoarding them because of the varying degrees of orgasms she could achieve, we wouldn't be able to cook or eat in our own house. FML

Today, I took my laptop to I.T. to fix my internet. Only after I left did I realise my memory technique for remembering the stages of mitosis (Iraqi penis man anally transmits chlamydia) was left as a sticky note on my desktop. The guy definitely noticed. FML

Today, I was home alone and heard the kitchen tap turn on. Shocked, I turned it off. It continuously kept turning itself on so I set my video phone on it to find out the cause. My cat has learnt to turn it on. I later found said cat teaching another. I have three cats. All my taps are like this. FML

Today, I started to come to during dental surgery. I clearly heard someone behind me say "Shit! Get this fucker back under!" then another person mentioning they'd have to kill me to avoid "another lawsuit", followed by laughter and the blackness of sleep. FML

Is everything OK?

Today, I heard my next door neighbour screaming as if someone was trying to slice her throat. Her window was open. Intrigued, I went onto my balcony and asked if everything was okay, and if she needed anything. She and her boyfriend shouted back in unison: "We're fucking! Go away!" FML

Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, "How about some blue shut the fuck up?!" FML

Today, I stopped at a lemonade stand on my way to work. A cute little girl handed me a mouthwash-sized cup of juice, and her adorable little brother told me it would be $.25. All I had was a $20. He shoved it into his overalls pocket, looked up with huge brown eyes and just said "Thank you." FML

New creepypasta just dropped

Today, I went to work to find my creepy boss sitting in my office. I work the night shift, so it was very unusual to find him there. I asked how he was, and he replied, "I told my wife about us; she kicked me out." I've been working there a month. Also, I'm married and pregnant. So, excuse me, "US?" FML

Today, I was walking when a man pointed a camera at me. I got bitchy about it, and said "Did I say you could take a picture?" He replied with, "No, but can you get the fuck out of the way so I can take one of my wife and kids?" I turned around, and they were right behind me. FML

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

Today, I found a bell that had been tied into the tassel of my ski hat by my twin sister as part of a longstanding prank war between us. I'm deaf and have apparently been jingling like an elf for over a week. FML

Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", and leaves. FML

Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "Because you can't find a real girl, I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML

Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for a while, and we were joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "Soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML

Today, I was going to have sex with my Hispanic boyfriend. I wanted to turn him on, so I asked my friend how to say "fuck me" in Spanish. She claimed it was 'pollo frito'. I then had sex, constantly screaming 'pollo frito' for an hour. I later realized I was screaming "fried chicken." FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were laying naked in my bed making out. All of a sudden, we hear "pop goes the weasel" outside my house. My boyfriend stops and excitedly says, "ICE CREAM MAN", flips me over, grabs his clothes, and runs out of my room. FML

Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. It was the best orgasm I'd ever had. The trouble was, it wasn't about a hot girl, or anything sexy. It was about bacon. FML

Sir! Sir!

Today, I was taking calls at the helpdesk I work at. The caller was a man, and while helping him with his issue he suddenly stopped to tell me I had a nice soothing voice. Then he told me to say something else. As I continued to help him, he started making moaning noises. I'm a guy. FML

Today, my car was in the shop so I borrowed my wife's VW Beetle convertible. It's really embarrassing because it's a girlie car and it's full of little stuffed animals. At a stop light a man asked me if I'd like to borrow one of his testicles because "every man should have at least one." FML

Today, my five year old daughter was watching cartoons on TV. Then a Barbie commercial came on. My daughter sang along with the theme song "Be who you want to be, B-A-R-B-I-E." She then turned to me and said "Mom, I want to be a hooker." FML

Today, my brother replaced my cologne with whiskey. I have a job interview and I smell like a drunk. FML

Today, I found out that my husband made a replica of our family on The Sims 3. I also found out he killed me off a couple weeks ago and made a new wife, KiKi. FML

Today, I was at my school's spaghetti dinner with my family. My brother shook up my mom's soda, as a prank. My entire class witnessed my mom waving around an overflowing Diet Coke while my dad yelled, "Come on, put your mouth on it! Suck it! Suck it, Kathy!" FML

Today, I went out with my family and boyfriend for dinner. We were all having a good time, and suddenly at the end of dinner he decides to kneel down on one knee, take out an engagement ring, and say "I choose you, Pikachu," with a straight face. He was serious. FML

Dick joke

Today, I was eating M&Ms on a chair when I dropped one and it fell under my crotch. My mom came in to see me with my hand on my crotch while angrily muttering, "Where's that little bastard gone?" FML

Today, I introduced my family to beerpong. They especially liked the part about distracting each other while shooting. My grandma flashed me. FML

Today, my pet hedgehog thought it would be funny to roll around in the kitty litter. It was like washing a poopy cactus. FML

Today, while in the shower with my girlfriend she was going on and on about how she thinks she's fat when she's in perfect shape. With what she said still on my mind, I meant to say "honey, you're so beautiful", but accidentally said "honey, you're so fat". I'll be sleeping alone tonight. FML

Today, I'm a 25-year-old married woman and I'm currently living with my grandfather to take care of him. Today, he grounded me. FML

Fighting talk

Today, I went to Starbucks to use the bathroom. After I knocked on the door and turned the handle, a little old lady ripped the door open and yelled, "I WAS TAKING A DUMP. YOU WANNA COME IN AND WIPE MY SHIT? DO YOU?!" and then continued to ask me the same question for five minutes. FML