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Today, I was walking through Borders with my girlfriend, when we pass a girl scout cookies stand. I see a box of Samoas, my favorite, point at them, and shout, 'YEAH'. My girlfriend looks shocked. Behind the box of cookies was a five year old scout bending over, with her bottom pointed at me. FML

Today, my roommate and I finally got fed up with this increasingly, horrible stench that has been in our apartment for a few days now. Leaving it for our other roommates to handle, we selfishly left to get yogurtland. Moments later, we both expressed that we haven't seen our cat in a while. FML

Today, I asked my girlfriend when she would give me a blowjob. She replied, "you know that won't happen, I'm a vegetarian." FML

Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

Today, I called a priest "lame". He responded jokingly with "God will smite you!" I laughed and walked out the door. I tripped and broke my ankle. FML

Pervy

Today, I jokingly had kinky conversation via text message with a good guy friend. He was pretending to be a stranger and was fishing for compliments, and asked to have a foursome. Turns out, my friend lost his phone and I spent 2 hours talking to a pervert about what lingerie I was wearing. FML

Oh wow, thanks!

Today, I repaired a boiler for a wealthy guy in a big house. While there, I fixed a leaking tap for free. When I went to leave, the man slipped something into my shirt pocket and said, "Have a drink on me." When I got to my truck, I discovered that he'd given me a tea bag. FML

Today, I was texting two people at once. Trying to respond to my friend's text, I accidentally clicked on this guy's name instead, who I've never met. He just told me about his grandma's funeral he went to that was an open casket. I responded with, "Haha wow you slut, I'm sure you were aroused." FML

Today, I realized my friends and I should be more careful what we say around my younger brother. I never thought he was paying attention until today. My stepmom told him it was time to go to bed. He responded, "I think it's time for you to suck one." My brother is 4. FML

Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "Because you can't find a real girl, I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML

Today, I saw a lesbian couple walking through the mall. One of the ladies walked up to me in the middle of the busy mall and started screaming at me about how rude it is to stare, and how we are all equal- straight or not. I was only staring because I'm a lesbian too, and they were hot. FML

Today, my friend was pulled over and told to get out of the car. The officer motioned for me to get out of the car too so I reached behind me to get my shoes. He then pointed his gun at my face and frantically asked my friend if I had a gun. My friend calmly replied "No, but shoot him anyway." FML

Today, as I was washing the dishes, I felt what I thought was a mosquito on my leg. I kicked at it with my foot only to realize that I had just kicked my adopted puppy in the face. Now, whenever I come into a room, he runs to the corner and pees. FML

Woozy

Today, I had my first job interview and didn't have much of an appetite because of the nerves, so I grabbed a brownie that my roommate had left in the fridge and ate it on the train ride in to the city. About 20 minutes into my interview, I was so stoned I couldn't speak. FML

Strong bonds

Today, my 6 year-old daughter asked, "What would happen to me if you and daddy died?" I told her that she'd probably live with her Uncle Ant and Aunt Ilene. She looked at me and said, "You guys can die. I won't cry. I get everything I want over there." FML

Today, I was eating at a restaurant patio with a few friends. After the waitress cleaned up our table there was a drop of mayonnaise on the table. I wiped it with my finger and licked it. It wasn’t mayo, it was bird shit. FML

Amazing idea, idiots

Today, at my job as a lifeguard, the kids in the pool decided to start a new game. The game involved spreading out to different parts of the pool and pretending to be drowning at the same time. Whoever was "saved" first, won. FML

Gym bro

Today, my extremely in-shape boyfriend told me he hasn't had a chance to work out lately. I jokingly poked him in the belly saying he's getting chunky and winked. He burst into tears. FML

Today, I peeked through my window and trained a pair of binoculars on my neighbour's house. Every night without fail, he ends up standing in front of his window topless to flex his muscles. This time, I was surprised to instead find a note taped to the window saying, "Sorry, I'm out tonight." FML

Today, my mom decided to take away my TV after noticing that I watch the show True Blood. Apparently, since I watch this, I must be "curious about sex." I'm 19. FML

Today, two Jehovah's Witnesses rang my doorbell for the 10th time. This time they asked me whether I knew Faith's greatest enemy. I replied, "Basic reasoning?" A copy of The Watchtower can really hurt when it hits you in the eye. FML

Today, it was my first day on the job as a first grade teacher. One student pushed another, so I asked him to apologize. His response? "If you boss me around, I'll tell Daddy you touched me somewhere you shouldn't have." I think I'm now this kid's slave. FML

Today, I was walking down the street when a police officer started walking behind me with his dog. I sped up and tried to cross the road. He took this as suspicious and got the dog to take me to the floor. I've been afraid of dogs since I was 5. FML

Today, my parents got rid of our detachable shower head. Looks like I'm single again. FML

Parental advice

Today, my dad walked in on me and my girlfriend having sex. His only reaction was to mutter, "Put some back into it, son." before awkwardly sidling out. FML

Today, I realized that trying to fit in with my crush's social circle by acting like one of the lads was a waste of time. All he does is high-five me all the time and tell me every little detail of his latest one night stands. FML

Today, we were going around the table, telling everyone what we were thankful for. My girlfriend said she was thankful for her vibrator, because I can't please her like it can. My family thought this was funny. FML

Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for breathing too much. FML

Today, I went to the movies on a date. My chair made a fart sound while I moved around a little, so my date thought I'd let one rip. He then let out a really horrendously smelling one to make me feel less embarrassed, giving me a reassuring look. FML