Monsieur Thatoneplace, USA 33 ans En couple
Today, my teenage daughter tried to convince me that the UK is a part of Canada. After I pulled out a map to prove her wrong, she got all angry and defensive, and said that nobody's perfect at "geometry". My daughter is an idiot. FML
Today, I walked in on my mom showing her friends that she can deepthroat a banana. That's something I could've lived a long and happy life without seeing. FML
Today, after waiting two hours for my landlord to leave so I could take a shit in peace, I sat down on the toilet. The doorbell immediately rang. It was my landlord, who wanted to let me know that he had just backed into my car. FML
Today, I walked in on my 15 year old daughter and her boyfriend. They were standing in my bathroom, both naked from the waist down. Supposedly, he was trying to "teach her how to pee standing up." FML
Today, I went to a seamstress to be fitted for my wedding dress and left with a pierced nipple. FML
Today, my grandma got a new boyfriend. She dumped the old one because "His wife was taking too long to die." FML
Today, my mom told me my relationship is a joke, because teenagers don't understand the meaning of relationships and commitment. I couldn't help but remind her how she's divorced three separate men to date. She hit me over the head so hard that snot flew out of my nose. FML
Today, my boyfriend reckoned that he has a better sleep when he falls asleep with his hand on either my boobs or my ass. I kind of just laughed it off. I later discovered he's 100% correct when he put his hand on my butt, and not five minutes later was snoring. FML
Today, I went on Facebook. The third post down was a selfie of my mom looking sad, with the caption, "God I need a good dicking." FML
Today, my girlfriend fell asleep while I was proposing. FML
Today, my girlfriend interrupted my proposal to take a selfie with the ice cream I had just bought her. She then said no. FML
Today, on a flight, I needed to use the restroom. The passenger next to me was in a deep sleep, and was very large, so I couldn't get out by climbing over him. The urge got severe, so I resorted to tapping him on the shoulder. Turns out he had some nice reflexes and hit me in the face. FML
Today, I put on a porno, trying to unwind after a bad day. Ten minutes in, I was so pissed off with the girl constantly repeating "You like that? Yeah?" and the cameraman's obsession with the guy's ass crack that I started yelling at the screen. Now I'm more stressed than ever. FML
Today, I heard my sister gagging in her room. She was doing it quietly, and I got pretty concerned, after hearing a lot about bulimia recently. I knocked, then heard a gasp, so I let myself in, only to see her on her knees and her boyfriend with his underwear around his ankles. FML
Today, I saw a bulge in my friend's pocket. I poked it and asked, "What'cha got there?" He said, "Uh, that's my dick, Mike." FML
Today, I finally told my dad that I hate his girlfriend. I said her daughter's a complete whore, and her son is annoying as fuck. Turns out they were in the house and within earshot, ready to throw me a birthday party. FML
Today, I was watching the movie Frozen with my 8 year old daughter. I had seen it before, so I sung along with some of the songs. My daughter put a finger over my lips, said "Shhhhhhhhut the fuck up," then turned back to the TV, giggling. FML
Today, my son was smart enough to hack the school's computers to change his midterm, but isn't smart enough to actually keep his grades up. FML
Today, my 17-year-old son managed to easily convince my 13-year-old daughter that if you have sex before getting married, you'll instantly get horrible diseases that will kill you. Her freaking out is how I found out she's not only gullible as hell, but sexually active as well. FML
Today, I convinced my father that "Juanito", our relative who needed money for immediate surgery in Mexico was a stranger attempting to scam him. I was $1400 too late. FML
Today, a homeless guy asked me for a cigarette. Knowing that I only had a couple left in my pack, I gave it to him. He opened it, took one out and thanked me profusely. A bit surprised, I went on my way. Oh yes, that's right, the pack contained the money I'd withdrawn from an ATM. FML
Today, somebody broke into my car, just to steal the obviously fake $1,000,000 bill hanging from my rear-view mirror. FML
Today, I realized that my 5 year old son has more money saved up in his piggy bank than I have in my actual bank account. FML
Today, my husband and I were fighting over money. As we were arguing, our 13 year-old daughter stole $250 dollars from my purse. FML
Today, my dogs freaked out and started getting violent because they thought the sound of my vibrator was the other's growling. FML
Today, while on a road trip through Australia with my dad, we were both complaining that we had yet to see any kangaroos. Suddenly, we saw one up real close. The rental car saw it even closer. FML
Today, a robin flew into my window and died. My mom, being a biology teacher, thought it would be a great experience for my brother and me to dissect it on the kitchen table. She threatened to ground us if we didn't do it. FML
Today, in the very middle of the night, my kitten started rubbing against my face. Thinking I saw her face in the darkness, I decided to kiss her before going back to bed. My lips made contact with her butthole. FML
Today, my live-in mother-in-law brazenly swiped most of the money from my wallet, then walked out of the room as if nothing had happened. The worst thing is that my wife believes anything she says, so I can't do a damn thing about it. FML
Today, out of boredom, I built my cat a little fort. Later, I tried to crawl inside to pet her, but as soon as I stuck my head in, she clawed me. I guess I'm not allowed in, then. FML
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