Today, in math class, I had the urge to fart. I had the bright idea that if I dropped my textbook and farted at the same time, nobody would hear it. I dropped my textbook, everyone looked at me, then I farted. Loudly. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed. The ring just had a piece of graphite on it. My boyfriend argued that since graphite and diamonds are both just forms of carbon, it is the same thing. FML
Today, my boyfriend wanted to prove how honest he is so he showed me numerous texts in his phone where he told other women he was in a relationship before asking them to sleep with him. FML
Today, my dad planted and "discovered" a pack of cigarettes in my backpack to distract my mom from his gambling problem. FML
Today, two guys broke into my apartment to rob me at gunpoint. While I was wanking. FML
Today, while giving a brief presentation at work, I blanked out on what I was going to say. I tried to make a joke and tell them I'd had a brain fart, but all I managed to say was, "I farted." Well, at least they all laughed. FML
Today, while trying to explain to my date that a small coffee would be fine, I said, "I'm cheap and I'm easy." FML
Today, I wanted to propose to my girlfriend, so I bought M&M's which I had customized with the words "Will you marry me?" on them. She ate them all without reading them. FML
Today, I told my mother I have a girlfriend. Her first answer was, "Does she know?" FML
Today, my boyfriend and I pulled over to have sex in his mother's car. It was going great until I leaned back onto the horn, waking up our whole neighborhood. FML
Today, on the bus, a delusional old man had an extremely long conversation with me, referring to me as "Leslie" and talking about "our childhood together". Not wanting to hurt his feelings I played along. At his stop he got up and grinned at me, saying "I'm kidding. I never knew a Leslie in my life. Nice rack." FML
Today, a car backed into mine. I thought that was pretty bad, until another car backed into me right after I'd finished taking the first guy's info. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. The lights kept on going on and off. Why? The lights are activated by "clap on, clap off." It killed the mood. FML
Today, I had a dream that I was trying to pop a balloon. Nothing I did was working, so I put it between my knees and tried to pop it that way. Immediately, I woke up to the sound of frantic hissing and meowing. As it turns out, I was trying to pop the cat. FML
Today, my boyfriend started freaking out about how his penis floats in water. Baths with him will never be the same again. FML
Today, I had to drive my girlfriend to the hospital because she had a severe allergic reaction to the flowers I brought her. FML
Today, I turned on the news to see a live report about an increase in crime in my town. One minute in, my drunk daughter appears behind the news reporter, butt naked, dancing. FML
Today, was the fifth night I've dreamed of brushing my teeth. I wake up about three times a night because as I spit in my dream, I actually spit on my face as I'm sleeping. FML
Today, my girlfriend openly mocked me, calling me an idiot for thinking seahorses are real. She insists that they're like unicorns, and only exist in fiction. FML
Today, a guy asked for my number at a party. As I was entering my number into his phone, my name and a picture of me popped up. I'm afraid I just met my stalker. FML
Today, I asked my teenage daughter to read off directions from my iPhone while I drove. She went on Instagram instead. We missed the turn by 32 miles. FML
Today, I was at a job interview. The interviewer spoke to me for a few minutes, then said she would be right back, and left. I was left alone in a room for an hour and a half believing that it was a patience test. They closed the store for the day, leaving me in the interview room. FML
Today, someone painted the "Dark Mark" on the side of my car. It won't come off and my kids refuse to get in because it means "a wizard died in there." FML
Today, my girlfriend found out you can use food coloring in anything. Everything she cooks is now in bright neon colors. I feel like I'm in a Dr Seuss book. FML
Today, while on a crowded public bus, a cute girl asked if she could sit next to me. Problem is, I didn't hear correctly and thought she asked if anyone was sitting next to me. I answered no, causing her to walk off angrily and earning me several disgusted stares from other passengers. FML
Today, while walking my dog at the park, I spotted my crush and said "Hi!" By not paying attention where I was going, I tripped and fell down. My dog started humping me. FML
Today, my best friend was throwing me my bachelorette partly. A cop came by and said there have been complaints about the noise. Thinking he was the stripper we ordered, we pulled him into the house. He was an actual cop. FML
Today, at work at a farm, we got a new calf. It looked like it had to poop, but was having difficulty. About four hours later it still hadn't pooped. Turns out it was born without an actual butthole. It was there, just sealed up by skin. I literally had to cut this poor calf a new butthole. FML
Today, I was delivering pizza. When I went up to the front door, an elderly lady answered. She was wearing a floral dress that went down to her shins and had a Nicolas Cage mask on with eye holes cut out. When I glanced behind her, I saw her cats had them too. FML
Today, I returned home from a month long trip overseas to find that my bird sitter has trained my parrot to whisper, "You're going to die" in a sinister voice. FML
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