amunnra

Today, at my school's Midnight Madness, I was selected to show my school spirit in a contest. Being drunk, I decided to hump the school mascot in front of 300 people. FML

Today, I had a terrible stomach bug. I quickly jumped off the toilet and crouched over the bowl. I vomited with such force that I splashed the shitty water back into my face. FML

Today, I arranged the food on my plate in a smiley face to try and make myself feel better. I'm a 38 year old man. It worked. FML

Confuddled

Today, I took the bus to work. I was exhausted and had a big mug of coffee. Half asleep and thinking I was in my car, I reached forward to put it in the "cup holder" during the ride. When I let go, I poured hot coffee not only all over myself, but also on the large, angry-looking man next to me. FML

Today, I found out that my dad hides his Viagra from my mom by keeping it in an Aspirin container. Now I have a terrible headache and a boner. FML

Birth certificate

Today, I found out I've been misspelling my middle name for 25 years. FML

FINE!

Today, my dad and mom and I were going out to eat dinner. My dad wanted a romantic dinner just with my mom so he told me to make an excuse not to go. I did, which ended up as a huge fight, grounded and phone taken away. My dad just stood there in the background putting thumbs up. FML

Blazing Saddles

Today, while on the phone with a client at work, I was planning on saying either "Yeah." or "Uh-huh." Without thinking, I combined the two and ended up saying "Yee-hah," like a cowboy. FML

Today, my furnace and all of my heating systems broke down. A fridge is 3 degrees Celsius; it is now 2 degrees Celsius in my house. I would be warmer in my fridge. FML

Today, I had to call 911. Why? My fireplace caught on fire. FML

Nice try

Today, I texted a somewhat overweight girl I wanted to hook up with and asked her "Have you been dating anyone lately?" Unfortunately with predictive text, "dating" came out as "eating". I didn't realize it till after it sent. FML

Today, I fell down the stairs while reading the 'mind your step' sign. FML

Classic prank

Today, at Burger King, I had to go to the bathroom. Two ketchup packets were under the seat and exploded on my legs and pants when I sat down. FML

Today, my dad’s best friend, who has been his business associate for the past 28 years, took me to a Star Wars store for my 18th birthday. He put on a Darth Vader helmet, and imitating his voice, said: "I am your father." I laughed. It wasn’t a joke. FML

Today, a bunch of guys at work chased me down a corridor with a Febreze spray for smelling like I'd been "sleeping in a hollowed-out horse's carcass" and having "the personal hygiene of a billy goat." FML

Today, my mom baked cupcakes for my visiting grandparents. Later, I saw my grandpa chowing down on them. Even later, my mom demanded to know why there were a dozen cupcake wrappers on my bed. I've essentially been framed by my own grandpa, and am now grounded for a month. FML

Today, I went caroling with some family friends. We got pelted with oranges. FML

Today, I found out my girlfriend starts fights with me over text because apparently, when I'm arguing with someone, I stop speaking in "annoying shorthand" and am grammatically correct. FML

Today, I found out that when you are sitting on a full bench at a bus stop, some crazy person will come sit on you. FML

Today, I accidentally slammed a door on my own arm flab. FML

Stoner

Today, my parents were out, so I lit up my first ever joint. I got so stoned out of my mind that when my dad came back home and asked what the smell was, I said a stray cat had left an upper-decker in the toilet. He found the joint in my room, and now I'm grounded for the rest of the school year. FML

Today, I realised being the only female engineering student sucks. I have exactly one friend, because everyone else is too busy staring at my boobs to have a conversation. FML

Today, I realized my daughter has been in longer relationships than I have. FML

Today, I saw Thor and I wanted to see how realistic it was to be swinging a hammer around. Wrong idea. I ended up unconscious on the ground for ten whole minutes. FML

Brave

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house when we noticed her cat was missing. We saw it on the roof and so I thought I would try to look good by offering to go on the roof to retrieve it. The cat had climbed down when I got up there, and I have a fear of heights. Her mom had to help me down. FML

Today, I went to the store to buy some new shirts. I tried them on and none of them fit. When I walked out to return the shirts, everybody was staring at me. I looked down to see why. I'd forgotten to put my original shirt back on. FML

Today, one of the human turds that I stupidly added on Facebook posted how terrible her life is after her dad refused to arrange yet another holiday for her this year, so I bitched her out for being such a spoiled little brat. A few hours later, her boyfriend came over and beat the shit out of me. FML

Today, my wife packed my lunch. Inside of my lunchbox was a photo of her eating my sandwiches. FML

Today, some alarm, somewhere in my house, is making a low battery noise. I've checked every smoke detector multiple times, and I can't find it. It has been hours. I'm not sure if its still doing it or if the sound has just invaded my brain. FML