ssmckenzie15

Today, I tried lying to my parents for the first time. My mother is a neuroscientist and my father is a psychologist. Somehow, they managed to make me admit that I was lying before I'd even finished. FML

Today, I was reading and started laughing at a funny part in my book. My mom then bitched me out because she thought I was laughing at her. She called me a liar after I explained myself. Her logic? "Books aren't funny". FML

Today, while driving my grandma home from a family dinner, I had to pull into a gas station, because my tank was almost empty. She became convinced that someone would kidnap her while I went to pay, and eventually threatened to blow us up by tossing her lighter at the gas pumps. FML

Today, I woke up to my 5-year-old son covering my nose and mouth with his hand and complaining, "Noooo, you need to die now." FML

High times

Today, after dating for almost a year, I decided to introduce my parents to the man I was sure I'd fallen in love with. When dad saw him, his and my boyfriend's face completely dropped. I asked them what was wrong because I could feel the discomfort. Turns out, I'm dating my dad's drug dealer. FML

Today, my husband finally returned from his 18-month deployment. Sexually starved, we wasted no time getting busy. Later as we finally cooled off, I got a message from my Aunt. She was hiding in our closet the whole time to surprise us with cake for his safe return. FML

Today, I was explaining to my son that porn isn't a realistic depiction of sex. Just as I finished explaining to him that threesomes rarely happen in real life, he started crying. I feel like a dream-crushing monster. FML

Today, I was on a movie date with my boyfriend, when he asked for a handjob. I thought I was doing well until he sighed, took my hand off, and said he could finish on his own. FML

Today, my five-year-old daughter called the police to report her stolen nose. FML

Today, my 13-year-old daughter and I went to a tropical themed restaurant. She wanted a strawberry Daiquiri, so I asked the waitress for a virgin strawberry Daiquiri. My daughter then said, "But dad, I'm not a virgin." FML

Today, as part of my veterinary degree, I had to demonstrate how to jerk off a dog in front of my entire class. Afterwards, the lecturer said that I have the 'magic touch'. FML

Today, I placed a Bible app next to an app I use for porn, in the hope that it will encourage me to watch less porn. I'm a girl. FML

Today, my friends took my work laptop and changed the sounds. Now, whenever I remove a USB device, a woman's voice screams "Put it back!" and when I insert a USB device, it says "Oh, you need to push it in harder!" I don't know how to change it back. FML

Today, I was on a bus and I was so exhausted that I fell asleep. According to a few other passengers, I nestled into the chest of the guy next to me, and hit him every time he made a noise. FML

The betrayal

Today, I finished off the last of the BBQ chips in the house. When my 6-year-old sister found out about it, she started screaming, then pulled down her pants and peed on the kitchen floor. My parents, after witnessing the whole thing, bitched me out for upsetting her. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I attempted some bondage for the first time. Within seconds of the handcuffs being put on, I went into a serious panic attack. I was playing the dominant; my girlfriend was the one in cuffs. FML

Today, I tried to give my husband a striptease for his birthday. I wound up tripping over my own panties and nearly dislocating my shoulder. FML

Night wrestle

Today, I finally talked my boyfriend into going down on me. Everything went well until I came and instinctively gripped his head with my thighs. He panicked and we both rolled off of the bed crocodile-style. Now he's too scared to even have sex with me. FML

Today, I was buying ingredients for a salad. I had only picked up a few cucumbers, when an elderly lady came up to me and murmured, "Make sure you use lots of lube, or that'll hurt. Been there, sweetheart." What the HELL? FML

Today, I was washing up in a public bathroom, when I looked up for a second and saw a kid in the mirror staring back at me. I gasped, as I thought the place had been empty. He whispered, "It's time to die." I screamed and ran out, only to hear him burst out laughing behind me. FML

Today, I walked in on my husband putting my anti-wrinkle cream on his balls. He said, "I thought it'd help." FML

I have sex

Today, I wore a bikini to the lake with my parents. I didn't know that my back was covered in bruises, and ended up having to awkwardly explain to my parents that I am not in an abusive relationship; the bruises came from the sex I had last night. FML

Today, my daughter, who was born in late 2000, mentioned how amazing it is that she'll be alive during the year 3000. I asked her exactly how old she thinks she'll be by then. She said, "Thirty, duh." I've screwed up as a parent, so very badly. FML

Today, I asked out the man of my dreams. He told me he'd have to ask his dad if it was OK. I thought he was just kidding, until he pulled out his phone and called his dad. After a few minutes of "Come on, Dad" and "But why?" he hung up and said his dad wouldn't let him. He's 22. FML

Today, my apparently braindead and now ex-boyfriend asked me if "this period thing" is going to happen a lot, and said that if it is, "we're so done." FML

Today, I sprayed down some ants in my house. In the sea of ant corpses was a single living ant seemingly cradling a dead one in its arms. I'm convinced I just became the villain in an epic tragedy. Now I have to live with my ant problem because I can't bear to tear another family apart. FML

Today, I was video chatting with my boyfriend and his friends. When I stood up, he told his friend "See, she's not a twig!" I jokingly replied with, "So I'm fat?" After a few seconds of silence, his friend yelled, "It's a trap!" and left the chat. FML

Today, at the pool, a kid no older than 8 was sitting on the diving board, not letting anyone else use it. I went over and tried to reason with him, but he wouldn't listen. My uncle stormed over, said "I got this!" and punted him over the edge. We both got thrown out for "bullying" the kid. FML

Today, I got a call from my son's kindergarten teacher. Apparently my son asked a girl to marry him. After she said no, he stabbed her with a fork. FML

Today, out of partying reflex, I downed Communion wine like a vodka shot. FML