Mademoiselle Ontario, Canada En couple
Today, we had a new babysitter coming over to the house and my kids were a bit anxious, so I asked her to send me a message telling me how it went. At around 10, I received a message saying, “it’s going alright. Both kids are in bed.” I have three children. FML
Today, while using a doorless restroom at the beach, a pack of seagulls rushed into my stall, followed by a group of kids chasing them. I guess the noise from tearing open a pad sounded enough like a bag of chips for them to think there was food. FML
Today, I went out to party for the evening. I came home a bit later than normal, but apparently it was enough that my cat thought she was going to starve, and foraged for herself. She ate a bowl of Hershey's Kisses. I spent my night at the emergency vet, wondering if cat Darwin Awards exist. FML
Today, my husband cleaned out our fireplace and found a very dead, mummified bat. After chasing me around the house with it, he set it atop the mantle. He refuses to get rid of it, and calls it "Henry". FML
Today, the cops pulled over and tried to arrest my friends for transportation of a corpse and murder. Just because you find a body in the back of a truck bed, wrapped in a blanket cocoon and apparently unresponsive, does not mean they are dead. I was very much alive, thank you very much. FML
Today, after keeping myself awake coughing for 2 hours, I finally drifted off. My cat apparently thought I'd died, and gave me CPR. Now I have claw marks on my chest, and I'm still awake. FML
Today, my girlfriend got jealous because I wanted to adopt a puppy. FML
Today, my cat looked like it was about to puke, so I put him outside. Unhappy with the situation, he leaped on to the kitchen window ledge and squeezed in through the open window, only to projectile-vomit mid-leap all over the kitchen counter. I found a hairball in the butter. FML
Today, my mom talked me into going to a funeral since my dad wouldn't go. It was for one of her classmates. When it was our time to view the casket, we paused in front of it for a second before my mom leans over to me and says, "What if I told you that was really your dad?" FML
Today, I was studying when a tremendous crash of glass sounded from the other room. Was it a burglar? Nope. The cat had tried to jump from the kitchen table to the top of the cabinet, missed, and slammed into the cabinet's glass door. FML
Today, after a guided meditation class, our instructor asked us all to name the thing we are most thankful for. My fiancé, completely serious, answered, "Nintendo." When the teacher looked at him, slightly incredulously, he changed his answer to, "Our dog." FML
Today, I attended a Buddhist prayer service for my religion and philosophy course. When the service was over, everyone stood up. Unfortunately, my legs and feet had fallen asleep so much that I lost balance and tackled a monk into the shrine. I'm expected to pay for injuries and damages. FML
Today, while I was vacuuming, my cat got scared and tripped me. I landed on the vacuum handle between my legs. Not walking too well right now. FML
Today, I was buying veggies with my five-year-old. She saw some brussel sprouts and begged me to buy them. I thought there was no way she'd like them, but I do, so I got them. Later, she was sitting on the couch eating them raw like candy. I have a weird kid. FML
Today, I tutored a kid for two hours, for $25 an hour. When it came time for them to pay, my mother told the kid's parents that they could give me ten bucks for the whole thing. She does this a lot. FML
Today, something in my shoe was bothering me at work. After about 30 minutes, I finally had a chance to fix it. There was a squashed lizard in my shoe. FML
Today, my coworker and I were swamped with coffee orders. I told him I would "take care of the blacks", and a customer who only heard that sentence screamed at me for several minutes about racism. FML
Today, I was playing with my hedgehog and he started licking my face. I thought it was super cute, until he latched onto my eyelid with his teeth. He then created a ball of saliva and blood and coated his body in it. FML
Today, our cat died. My husband and I had a touching bonding moment together. Our relationship has been strained for months, and I thought this could bring us closer. He decided to bring up politics. FML
Today, same as every other day, I had to pick up around 8 spoons because my cats love to take them and drop them on the floor around my house so they can listen to the noise. FML
Today, while doing a project on income, my teacher told me there are no houses in Japan. I told her I lived in Mitaka for 3 years and that I lived in a house there. She told me I was bullshitting. So much for quality education. FML
Today, my parents finally fulfilled my wish of a pet that I could take care of for a few years. They got a parrot. I guess 75 years or more is a few years to my parents. FML
Today, I found out why the rent is so cheap in my new house. Apparently the previous tenants violated their lease by keeping illegal exotic pets. They responded to fines and eviction by letting all the animals loose in the basement, like the (admittedly gorgeous) albino cobra I found curled on my laundry. FML
Today, a coworker left a chocolate cake on the "free food" table in the office. I had a slice. She's just called to ask if she left her grandmother's birthday cake at work. She made it from scratch. Now I'm baking a new cake in the office kitchen. FML
Today, my mother-in-law threw bricks at my car. Her defense? I shouldn't have parked in her "brick throwing spot", in my own driveway. FML
Today, I was making mashed potatoes in a hurry, I had the pot boiling on high when I had to rush to the bathroom. As I'm walking away, I ask my boyfriend to watch the potatoes. When I returned, they were no longer boiling and he proudly announced he added cold water because they looked a little dry. What? FML
Today, I was on my motorbike, riding through town, when a bird collided with my crash helmet. I lost my balance, and fell. As a result: a leg, a rib and a wrist of mine were broken. The EMT guy helpfully reassured me that the pigeon was A-OK. FML
Today, our family cat died. I had to explain this to my two small children, who had no experience with death. I ended up bawling like a baby while they consoled me, telling me she had, "gone to a better place." FML
Today, after a recent move into my new apartment, I woke up early to study for an upcoming exam. I hadn't left my bed yet or made a sound, when my neighbor texted me and asked why I was awake. No one in the building has my phone number. FML
Today, I asked if my friend wanted to come meet my dog and give him a treat. We were walking to my back yard, her holding 3 hot dogs, when she said, "I think your dog is dead!" I said, "No, he's just old and sleeps all the time and won't wake up until you pet him because he's deaf." He was dead. FML
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