jessxoxo28

Not a morning person

Today, at work, I brewed myself a fresh cup of coffee. I set the hot coffee onto my desk. My phone rang so I answered my coffee, spilling it all over my face and body. FML

Today, I was feeling proud of myself because I finally quit World Of Warcraft. I later found out about the gift my dad's family gave me. It was a 12-month subscription to World Of Warcraft. FML

Today, I was making out with a really hot guy in a Jacuzzi. He had the biggest booger hanging out of his nostril, but I was too embarrassed to say anything to him about it. He went in for a kiss. Soon after our lips parted, he said, "Oh, you have big booger." FML

Today, I was fined because my son pushed the alarm button in the elevator. Why? There was a spider in there. FML

Today, while at work at a maternity and baby clothes store, I was supposed to send out an email about our "Beat the Clock" sale. After it was sent to over 500 people, I realized that I'd misspelled the subject line. It read, "Beat the Cock Sale." FML

Today, my teacher compared the female reproductive system to Shrek's head. Never again will I be able to watch the movies. FML

Today, after waiting to get home to go to the bathroom, my six year old neighbor popped out and literally scared the shit out of me. FML

Broken dreams

Today, I was having a very realistic dream about a hot guy. Just as he was leaning in to ravish me, I was rudely awakened by the sound of my husband farting and snorting at the same time. FML

Today, I texted my girlfriend that I'm going to 'lick my professor's ass' instead of 'kick' due to auto-correction on my phone. FML

Today, I was awakened, in the middle of the night, by the sound of crying coming from outside. There's a mile in between houses where I live. FML

Today, I got bitch-slapped by a walrus at Sea Life Park. FML

Today, my boyfriend decided that a good time to have our first kiss was on a roller-coaster, right before a huge drop. He bit through my lip. FML

Today, I rushed my dog to the vet because he was foaming at the mouth. I returned home with a bill for $200 and a dog who apparently has a thing for marshmallows. FML