rarelight

Today, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. I was playing with his little sister by grabbing her arms and spinning her around. On one turn, she started screaming in pain. It turns out I dislocated both her shoulders. FML

Shut up

Today, I was working as a manager of the local movie theater. A six year-old came in with no parents or anyone else. When I asked him where his parents were, he looked at me and said, "Shut up white boy, I don't have to listen to your shit." I just got told by a six year-old. FML

Today, I took the bus to work. A sweet old lady got on after and sat next to me. Halfway there, she fell asleep, her head on my shoulder. I gently tried to wake her up before my stop. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML

Today, I was walking into class when the guy i like walked in and said "Gross it smells like grandma in here. What, did someone bathe in their perfume today?" I was the only girl in the room and I just bought new perfume. I thought I smelled good, apparently I didn't. FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he dates me. He immediately responded, "Well, TV shows are boring and predictable, so you're a good source of fresh and interesting drama." FML

Today, I bought a coral colored hooded sweatshirt, which my girlfriend told me was "hot". I wore it to a baseball game tonight. When it got cold I put the hood over my head, only to hear everyone behind me laugh. The back of the hood said "Boy crazy". It was a teen girls sweatshirt. FML

The truth

Today, I was talking to a guy I met online and have known for four years. I've fallen in love with him twice, one of those times being currently. He was supposed to visit this summer. I got an email from him saying he's really a 17 year-old girl from Chesterfield, MO. FML

POLICE! OPEN UP!

Today, cops showed up at my apartment demanding to look inside. Satisfied with the search, they told me they had received a noise complaint. More specifically, hearing screams someone believed a girl was getting raped. I had two friends over and we had been wrestling. The three of us are male. FML

Today, I was walking down the street and I saw my brother on the other side of the road. He lives overseas and always told me he would visit when I least expected it. When I saw him, I got so excited I jumped on his back, screaming his name. It wasn't my brother. FML

Today, I had horrible pains in my stomach area so I went to the doctors. They couldn't find anything wrong and sent me to the Emergency Room for X-rays. After spending the entire day in the hospital, they tell me I'm slightly constipated. I had to pay $400 to find out I had to take a shit. FML

Today, my aunt informed me that she thinks I'm faking the debilitating disease I've had for the past 13 years. Apparently she thinks I just don't want to go to college or get a job, and that I like living on disability. She also added that my entire extended family agrees with her. FML

Today, I sent a cover letter to a potential employer. In the letter, I talked about my great attention to detail, my strong ability to focus, and my stellar writing skills. After hitting send, I reread the letter and noticed that I typed my name "B-R-A-I-N." My name is Brian. FML

Today, I went shopping with my friend. The store was having a special where if you spend over $75 you receive a free T-shirt. I paid for my items and my total was over $75. The salesman didn't hand me a shirt so I asked him for one. He looks at me and says "I'm sorry, we only have Mediums." FML

Today, I was driving home from work when I saw a cop come up behind me. Nervous about my expired license, I kept checking in my rear view mirror. In turn since I wasn't paying attention, I ran a stop sign. Needless to say the cop pulled me over and gave me 2 tickets. FML

Today, I was horsing around after my big test. Someone punched me softly on my back. Figuring it was my friend, I turned around and did a roundhouse kick. It was my girlfriend. FML

Today, I went to a bar with two guys I was interested in. The first I'd been trying to go out with all semester. The second I had gone to dinner with and he seemed nice. I was the designated driver. They drank too much and, on the way home, hooked up in the back seat. FML

Today, I discovered that I had left my sunroof open all night during a storm and my front seats was soaked. I grabbed a towel for my seat but didn't close my sunroof because it was nice out. As I pull out of my driveway, I felt something wet hit my forehead. A bird shit on me through my sunroof. FML

Today, I changed the locks on my apartment so my crazy ex girlfriend couldn't get in. I went to her house to return her house key. I accidentally gave her the key to my new locks, and can't find her old house key. Now I need her to come let me in to my own house. FML

Mom won this one

Today, I was home alone while my mom went out to dinner. I decided to hop in the shower, and I noticed my mom left her douche in there. After, I texted her telling her what I found and that it was gross. Her response? "It's not gross. It came from my vagina, like you and your sister." FML

Today, I went to babysit. I was told the parents would be gone when I arrived. I went and started playing with the kids. All of a sudden I heard a scream. I opened the parents' door with a knife in hand to find them having sex. I got paid so adults could get laid. While I was there. 6 ft. away. FML

Observation

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Right as I was really getting into it, he pauses, frowns, and says, "I think I see the pee hole." FML

Today, I forgot to take my wallet off the roof of my car and drove away, onto the highway. A man behind me began flashing his lights and waving his arms. I thought he was freaking out because I cut him off. I flipped him off. He was trying to tell me that all my money was flying down the road. FML

Unbelievable

Today, I was relaxing alone at a bar when I was approached by the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen. She was too good to be true, so I asked, "Is this some kind of a prank?" She immediately turned around and left. She thought I was calling her ugly. I'll never see her again. FML

Denied!

Today, I swam in a race against all of the girls in the midwest in the hardest, longest, most grueling race you can swim. I won. Happy but so tired I could barely move, I looked up to see my time. I had been disqualified. For flinching. Before the race started. FML

Silver linings

Today, I went to the doctor and found out that I am infertile. When I called my boyfriend of 2 years, with whom I was hoping to have a future, to talk to him about it, all he said was, "So does this mean I don't have to wear a condom anymore?" FML

Morning!

Today, I finally got some sleep after an exterminator came yesterday and took care of our roach problem. I woke up and kissed my boyfriend good morning. Frowning, he told me I had something stuck on the corner of my mouth. It was a roach leg. Where is the rest of the roach? FML

Defense!

Today, I came home from work to find that my neighbor's trash bins were still on the curb. While returning the bins to her backyard, her kid ran out and shot me with a paintball gun. Multiple times. He thought I was a burglar and ruined my new suit. FML

Caught in 4K

Today, my girlfriend left her phone on a bus. With no way to pick it up, I drove 40 miles through Friday night Boston traffic to get it from the bus company office. It took me four hours. Bored in traffic, I discovered the texts from her other boyfriend. FML

Today, I was taking my boyfriend to the mall. In the parking lot I pointed out an old man in a vibrant pink sweater who was leaving by saying "He is so gay." My boyfriend got out of the car and walked towards the man calling "Hey Papaw!" It was his grandfather. FML

Today, I had the good fortune of finding a seat on the bus, not the norm in Peru. Several minutes after sitting down, I felt something on my shoulder. Thinking it was a hand, I turned my head to look. I came face to face with a dirty man's crotch, it was his erection resting on my shoulder. FML