Supersonic54

Today, I was lying in bed listening to my neighbors have loud, and what sounded like, enjoyable sex. My boyfriend rolled over and said, "she sounds like fun" before rolling back over and going to sleep. It's been four months. FML

Creep

Today, I ran into my manipulative ex-boyfriend at a party. We were chatting and I mentioned that the guys I have been seeing lately all turn out to be jerks. He said, "Yeah well, you dumped me and don't deserve to be happy." Apparently he has been creeping and scaring off any guys interested in me. FML

Today, I thought the girl I was seeing was going to tell me that she loved me. Instead, she told me how she sucked some other guy's dick. FML

Today, I sent my boyfriend some nude pics of me. Later I get a text from my dad asking me when I had gotten a tattoo. FML

Today, I got really horny during a 10 hour shift, so I snuck into a storage room and relieved myself. Then as I went to leave the room, I noticed the security camera above the door. FML

Today, to get back at me for breaking up with him, my ex-boyfriend thought it would be really funny to post semi nude pictures of me on Craigslist. To top it off, he decided to give all 200+ people who responded to my ad my home phone number. I'm getting non-stop calls from horny freaks. FML

Bad timing

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob for the first time. This is the moment he chooses to exclaim, "Wow, you really do have a lot of dandruff!" FML

Today, I had an asthma attack while in bed with my boyfriend. He interrupted my desperate coughing only to tell me to shut up. He then rolled over to go back to sleep. FML

Today, I was a bit upset to learn that my 13 year-old daughter had a boyfriend. When she noticed, she assured me that I shouldn't worry, because "it's just for sex anyway". FML

Today, a woman came into my life and took all I had left in the world. The woman was my hair stylist. She took my hair and the last of my money. FML

Today, as I listened to the guy I've been seeing pour his heart out to me, all I could think about was how much I needed to poop. FML

Today, I was at a party. The girl I'm madly in love with referred to me as her 'Gay Friend.' She refused to kiss me in Spin-the-Bottle as 'She didn't want to do anything with anyone that night'. She then made out, and slept with, my 'best friend' whom she had never met before. FML

Tiny Tim

Today, the condom slipped off, because my boyfriend refuses to admit that he needs to use smaller condoms. FML

Today, I was feeling horny, so I told my boyfriend, who lives 30 minutes away, that "I really needed him". He replied, "Did you fall in the toilet again?" FML

Today, while in our communal showers in the highschool football locker room, I started to swing my penis around because it feels good and I was alone. Two minutes later the rest of the team hops into the shower with me. 30 dudes, one self-induced boner. FML

Today, I lost my virginity to an ultrasound probe. FML

Today, I let my boyfriend finger me for the first time. Today, I also learned, after fifteen very, very long minutes of it, how to fake an orgasm. FML

Today, I proposed to a girl I'd been in love with for 6 years. I filled the balcony of the building where I'd first laid eyes on her with innumerable roses and, under the starlit sky, I did it. She later posted on facebook 'OMG. This geek I knew from high school did the FUNNIEST thing today'. FML

Today, my friend was pulled over and told to get out of the car. The officer motioned for me to get out of the car too so I reached behind me to get my shoes. He then pointed his gun at my face and frantically asked my friend if I had a gun. My friend calmly replied "No, but shoot him anyway." FML

Today, I told my girlfriend that I'm breaking up with her because she's very abusive. After a couple of seconds of awkward silence, she kicked me in the nuts and ran away. FML

Today, I told my boss I have a sore throat. He replied, "Well, don't take it so deep next time." FML

Today, I gave my drink to a girl who I got with previously and started to dance with her. She backed off after a few seconds, took my drink and danced with my friend who was standing right next to me. FML

Today, I was getting everything ready for mine and my husband's first wedding anniversary. Flowers, check. Crisp new bed sheets, check. Silk underwear, check. Crippling cramps and an early period, check. FML

Today, my football club gave us all jerseys with our last names on them. My last name is 'Flicker'. The letters are all in uppercase. And the 'L' and the 'I' are joined together at the bottom. My jersey reads 'FUCKER'. FML

Today, I nervously flirted with a very cute guy. Being a little overweight, I rarely think cute guys will go for me. This line of thinking was yet again correct when he casually pulled his sleeve up revealing a tattoo of a pinup girl with a "NO FAT CHICKS" sign below it. FML

Today, I came home and saw on our fridge, "Please don't drink anymore, I really worry about your health" written by my 7-year-old daughter. I figured she wouldn't ever find out, so I opened the fridge. Then I found another note on a can that said, "So you're going to drink anyway?" FML

Today, I was on a second date with a guy. Things got a little handsy and he pulled down his pants to reveal a micro-penis. He then smiled and asked me to be his girlfriend. FML

Today, my wife and I were doing it when the phone rang. She answered it, and rode me while carrying on a more than a five minute conversation with her father. FML

Quickie

Today, I realized that the amount of time it takes my boyfriend to get an erection takes longer than the actual sex. FML

Nostalgia

Today, I realized that the comforting, unique scent of my mother in my childhood was actually the smell of the marijuana she smokes. FML