Monsieur Sacramento 51 ans
Today, I was in a public restroom with my 4 year old daughter. I took her in the stall with me, and as I was using the restroom she looked down and loudly asked, "Mommy! Why do you have a beard on your peepee?!!" Then I heard everybody in the stalls next to us laughing. FML
Today, I got grounded because I have a picture on facebook in which I'm touching the crotch of a cardboard cut-out of Obama. My parents insist the FBI will see that and I'll end up in jail. My parents are crazy. FML
Today, I got the haircut I've been wanting for ages. I then called my girlfriend of two years and asked what she would do if I got a haircut. She told me she would dump me and then invited me to her house for dinner. I'm scared to go. FML
Today, my mom confused me with my dad. She got in the shower with me. FML
Today, I dreamed that I was kidnapped by Charlie Sheen. FML
Today, I was mugged. The guy mugging me was eating a banana. FML
Today, a friend from work threw a party. We each had to dress up as a deceased celebrity. I thought it'd be a perfect time to dress up as Marilyn Monroe. When I arrived to the party, my boss said, "But… Rosie O'Donnell isn't dead." FML
Today, I got a complaint from my neighbor about a little girl staring at her through my guest bedroom window for the past month. I live alone. Now I'm scared to live in my own house. FML
Today, I was caught whacking off by my mother. She now takes every free moment of her time to read extracts from the Bible to me. FML
Today, my eight year-old son came to me and said he thinks it's time he started wearing bras. It turns out his older brother has been mindfucking him for the past several months and has him convinced it's something all boys his age do. I can't convince him otherwise. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend is a Mormon, when his mother greeted me saying how happy she was her son had found himself a Mormon girlfriend. I know nothing about Mormonism, except from what I've seen on South Park, and I'm an atheist. FML
Today, I was talking to my grandpa while he was gardening outside. Suddenly I feel this hard, salty thing fly into my mouth and I spit it out. It turned out to be a beetle. My grandpa takes one look at the beetle and says, "Well, at least that poor bug finally got you to shut up." FML
Today, I was speaking to an old friend and I asked her how her mother was. She replied, "She passed away, you came to her funeral last month." FML
Today, I learned that lemonade and urine look very similar to one another. I also learned that they taste very different. FML
Today, I found out why teenage boys have "Keep out" and "Please knock" signs on their bedroom doors. FML
Today, my boyfriend discovered you can send sound clips as text messages. So far I've heard 5 of his farts in the past half hour. FML
Today, another of my dad's blind dates went bad, so I took him out for a beer. I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and when I came back, two guys were congratulating my dad on scoring such a hot piece of ass, and said the sex must be awesome. My dad played along with it. FML
Today, my daughter told me that when she dies, she'd like her ashes spread on her laptop. FML
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