Today, I was doing a presentation in front of my boss. On the last slide, someone had put a picture of a man's cock. I later found out it was my boss who did it. It was his "good reason" to fire me. FML
Today, I was at church, when my mom's phone went off during the sermon. As if that wasn't humiliating enough for me, her ring tone was set to the Bed Intruder song. FML
Today, while serving two middle-aged women at the coffee shop, I was screamed at and accused of being a "sexist and chauvinistic bastard." This was prompted by me charging one of them 40 cents for the addition of steamed milk, which is clearly stated on the price sheet. FML
Today, I smoked weed with friends. Stoned, I put on my sister's high heels instead of my Vans and I walked to 7-11. FML
Today, my daughter posted a beautiful, touching status on my Facebook wall for Mother's Day. It wasn't so touching that she'd just copied and pasted the one I wrote for her grandmother and sent it back to me, unedited. FML
Today, I went on a trip to Cleveland. After getting lunch, my brother and I started walking back to my car. Halfway there, we were jumped, threatened with a knife, and yelled at to hand over our money. The only thing my brother could do was ask our mugger, "Uh, what gender are you?" FML
Today, I decided to be nice and pay a visit to my grandma. We ended up playing Scrabble. In between passing wind that smelled like rotting eggs, she kept playing the filthiest words she could, and yelled at me whenever I checked to see if they were in the Scrabble dictionary. FML
Today, a girl I recently slept with messaged me, explaining through a rendition of "Call Me Maybe" that she'd given me chlamydia. FML
Today, my boss informed me I couldn't go on my "vacation" because he's leaving for one of his employees' weddings. That just so happens to be my wedding, for which I'm taking the vacation. FML
Today, my brother's recent creepy behavior suddenly made sense when I found "How to seduce your sister?" in his browser search history. FML
Today, I was intently watching my odometer to see it change from 99,999 to 100,000 when I ran into the back of another vehicle. FML
Today, I was exhausted after a long day at work and didn't feel like cooking so I went to a drive thru. I placed my order, went to the window and paid. I then drove off without my food and didn't realize it for a couple of blocks. I was too embarrassed to go back and get it. FML
Today, to prove a point to my brother that playing the lotto isn't a sure thing. I got a $10 scratcher. Thinking I'd get nothing or maybe just another scratcher, I ended up winning a free scratcher plus $100. The second scratcher I got an additional $50. Now he's even more confident he'll win every time. FML
Today, I tried to hold my new boyfriend's hand while on a date. He let go quickly though, letting me know that we aren't at "that stage" of the relationship yet. We've been having sex for two weeks now. FML
Today, I was making a homemade pizza for myself. I've been unhappy lately, so I arranged the pepperoni in the shape of a smiley face to cheer myself up. The pizza burned. FML
Today, I knocked a girl lightly in the head with a prop at a costume party. I apologized profusely to the drama queen as she walked away blinking and holding her head. My boyfriend then told me that she had recently had brain surgery and it was hard for her to even leave the house. FML
Today, I felt flexible in my yoga class. I put my legs in the butterfly position and tried to press them down. Both my hips popped very painfully and I screamed in the middle of a quiet room. FML
Today, I tapped my sister on her shoulder to get her attention. I guess I was too close to her neck, which is where she is most ticklish, and ended up in the emergency room with a broken nose after she elbowed me in the face. I was just trying to repay her the $10 I borrowed from her. FML
Today, my roommate broke into my spice cabinet so he could get high off of my nutmeg. FML
Today, when I went out to get some groceries with my mother, a small girl came up to me and said I was an "ugly egg" because I'm a bald girl. I had to shave my head in order to have brain surgery to relieve me of the symptoms of my neurological disorder. FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She got incredibly excited and started flapping her hands around. Then she suddenly went deadpan and said, "But seriously… No." FML
Today, a tailgating idiot rear-ended me at a red light, then had the balls to say it was my fault for "driving too close" to his car. FML
Today, I opened the door to what I thought would be a group of trick or treaters. It was actually a naked man. He wanted to come in. FML
Today, I threw away a bunch of candy wrappers from my pocket, I also managed to throw away $20. That was the only money I had. FML
Today, after years of difficulty, I finally found the perfect shade of foundation that matches my ultra-pale complexion. It's called "Death Flesh." FML
Today, while at a party playing Truth or Dare, I found out my best friend fantasizes about having sex with my 51 year old mother. The rest of the guys at the party then nodded in agreement and thus spawned a group conversation about how "screwable" my mom is. FML
Today, I've been robbed. I came home to find my oven door missing. FML
Today, I asked a guy out. He told me no. Well, his exact words were, "I would never go out with a whale, sorry." Then he went on to make whale noises. FML
Today, I figured out why my 'best friend' hasn't talked to me in weeks. She assumed an FML post she read was about her. It was posted in 2009. I met her last year. FML
Today, my dad got dressed up in formal clothes, and I asked what the occasion was. He said he had a hot date, which would've been fine if he hadn't told me what was "on the menu", namely "wining, dining, sixty-nining". Thanks for that image. FML
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