LizzJizz

Training

Today, I promised my boyfriend a blow job every time he does the dishes. Every dish in the house has been washed three times already. FML

Today, I found that the love of my life is 3.5 inches, fully erect. My cell phone is bigger than that. FML

Today, my cat took a shit in my toaster. FML

Today, my husband got out of the shower, came downstairs naked screaming ''EMBRACE THE HARDNESS!!'' Little did he know, my step mother was sitting right there at the kitchen table. FML

Today, I woke up so pissed off that I yelled at my cereal. FML

Today, I skipped school and stayed home without telling my parents. My mom came home on her lunch break with another man, and had sex in our living room. I'm stuck in my room, listening to my mom cheat on my dad. FML

Today, my boyfriend refused to go down on me because I smelled of baby lotion and it made him feel like a child molester. FML

Today, I walked in on my mom trying to wax her butt. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I went shooting. While I was showing him how to properly hold and adjust a rifle, he accidentally pulled the trigger. The gun kicked back and hit me in the face, breaking my nose. FML

Today, I thought it would be hot if I sent my boyfriend kinky message. He didn't reply so I sent a few more. 10 minutes later I got a reply saying, "Honey, this is his mom and you should be a little less desperate." FML

Today, I sent my boyfriend a long and heartfelt message. He responded with "tl; dr". FML

Today, I dreamed that I was making out with a cute girl. Just as I was about to take it to the next level, she suddenly burst into tears and said, "I'm sorry, I can't do this." I can't even get laid in my dreams. FML

Prepper

Today, my father decided to "prepare" me for the real world by telling me that I'm ugly. FML

Today, my sister was on shrooms. I wasn't able to tackle her before she called the cops to say that her books were trying to eat her face off. FML

Today, I found out my boyfriend has checked every girl he has ever slept with for 'vagina teeth'. I'm apparently no exception. FML

Nice!

Today, my boyfriend told me my vagina looks like an old man in a hat. It's OK though, he said it was a nice hat. FML

Today, yep, pubic hair is still flammable. FML

Today, I went on a date with a seemingly nice guy I met online. He was drunk when I got there. Within the first 10 minutes, he had told me I was "like Hitler but with boobs", and I was "offensive to the ninja community." Then he said I just wasn't all he had hoped for and left. FML

Dick move

Today, I had to ask my boyfriend to stop measuring his penis during our conversation. FML

Today, after getting a pat of appreciation from my girlfriend's father for taking it slow, he found me later, in her room, with my head between her thighs. FML

Today, I was shaving naked in my cold bathroom before showering. My wife walked up behind me, yelled "Shrinkage!" and flicked the head of my penis as hard as she could. FML

Great idea

Today, my boyfriend went down on me with whiskey in his mouth. It felt like my genitals were on fire. FML

Repetitive

Today, my girlfriend fell asleep while giving me head. FML

Today, I was fooling around with my husband on the bed. I was excited as he lifted my arms up in a seductive way, only to roll deodorant under my armpits. FML

It's getting hot in here…

Today, things started to heat up in the bedroom. Not in a sexual way, though; the lamp caught fire. FML

Turned on

Today, I got sexually excited thinking about what kind of donuts I wanted to get in the morning. FML

Today, while my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, he called me "Mom." FML

Hangry sex

Today, during sex, my boyfriend stopped and asked if he could eat a sandwich while we do it. FML

Today, after years of secretly faking my orgasms, my husband gave me my first real one. Afterward was also the first time he ever accused me of faking it because, "It was different from all the other times." FML

Sounds more like a fetish…

Today, my boyfriend told me that he believes getting kicked in the balls is a scientifically-proven method of birth control. FML