Guyana00

Today, I got back home and my hamster was dead. I left notes two weeks ago everywhere to remind my parents to feed it while I was overseas. Apparently, my parents even didn't realize I was gone. FML

Thanks for the mental imagery

Today, my dad asked me if I could convince my mother to get a Brazillian wax. If that's not bad enough, my mother heard and yelled from the other room, "I like my furball." FML

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend of a year and a half on the beach. Everything was fine until she saw a plane with a banner behind it saying "Cassie, will you marry me?" She said yes. I didn't order a plane. FML

Today, I put on some goggles on in the pool, only to go underwater and see an old man "discreetly" jerking it. FML

Please don't do this

Today, I took my girlfriend of five and a half years to family dinner at a restaurant. After we all had finished dessert, I got down on one knee, pulled out my great grandmother's ring and proposed. The entire restaurant was dead silent. She looked around and then slowly walked out. FML

Today, while at work as a lifeguard, an older gentleman who comes in almost every morning wearing a very tight swimming suit, came up to me and said, "I don't want you having any erotic fantasies of me." After a long pause he added, "Actually, I wouldn't mind it if you do." FML

Today, my boyfriend wouldn't lick the whipped cream I had on my nipples because "That stuff is full of calories." FML

Today, I decided to quit smoking. During my lunch break, I tried to ash the KitKat bar that was in my hand after I took a bite. FML

Red faces all round

Today, my hot co-worker had to use my computer, so he called me while I was at lunch for my login password. It was his name. FML

Today, I was making out with my new boyfriend when he pulled away and looked me deeply in the eyes, he smiled and said, "I don't care what anyone else says, I think you're beautiful." FML

Today, my parents told me that I was born to entertain my brother. I have found the meaning of life. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a fight. Doubting our relationship, I asked him seriously if he loved me. He looked thoughtful, gathered me in his arms and said, "If I say yes, will you be less pissed?" and then tried to stick his hand down my pants. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted to make the most of his 1 month X-Box Live coupon. FML

Today, my girlfriend of a year exclaimed "Oh my god!" for the first time during sex. Nope, I haven't improved in bed, I recently moved a TV into my room and something exciting happened on the show she was watching. FML

Today, my wife put divorce papers in my birthday card. FML

Today, I got Wii Fit, Wii Mario Kart and Wii Mario Galaxy for my birthday, I don't have a Wii. FML

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he finds his car more attractive than me. FML

Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been cheating on me. When I confronted him about it, he asked which girl I'd found out about. FML

Today, I was on the toilet, when my Mom thought it would be a fun idea to barge in, take a picture of me, post it on Facebook, and tag me. FML

Today, I took my brother and nieces to the zoo. Two of the lions at the exhibit were mating, so I said, "They're playing leap-frog." My 4-year-old niece said, "Looks like they're fucking to me." FML

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is only staying with me for the present I promised him for his birthday. FML

Today, my husband just told me that he no longer loves me but keeps me around to handle his finances. FML

Today, I mentioned to my dad (we have a close relationship) that my last condom had expired. Happy to buy me new ones for the sake of safe sex, he asked me "Do you need small, or extra small?" FML

Double standard

Today, I went on a double date with my bestfriend. At the end of the night, her boyfriend gave her a long kiss, and texted her 5 minutes after we left to say he missed her already. My boyfriend picked his nose, then gave me a fist bump as a goodbye. FML

Today, I swerved off the road and hit a tree in order to avoid hitting a dog that came out of nowhere. Don't worry, I didn't hit him. The person behind me did, though. FML

Today, I was working as a camp counselor helping a five year-old girl. I heard her mumble, "My grandpa is getting married on Saturday." I enthusiastically replied and told her how exciting that was! Only after did I realize that she'd said "buried." FML

Today, I realised that every morning my girlfriend gets me to help her put on a locket her ex-boyfriend bought her on Valentine's Day. FML

Will youuuuuuu ?

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend from the top of a bungee jumping platform at an amusement park. I yelled out, "WILL YOU MARRY ME?" from the platform, pointing her out. Turns out, I was pointing at the wrong girl. My girlfriend was very angry and ran away when the wrong girl yelled, "Yes!" FML

Today, at a restaurant, I was joking around trying to make my friend laugh by pretending to be a ninja. I did this by putting my napkin in front of my face. I happened to look over at another table and saw that a lady wearing a burqa was giving me the most evil glare I have ever seen in my life. FML

So touching…

Today, my boyfriend of five years finally asked me to marry him. He said, "We could save on taxes if we got married… What do you think?" That was the most romantic thing he's said to me in the last two years. FML