dramaelf

Today, I was extremely stressed because I lost my ATM card, so I reconstructed my day, eventually finding it in the freezer. FML

Today, I had my first encounter with a guy I met online. When we parted, I was hoping for a kiss but instead he says to me, "I've met stupid in my life, but never like you." FML

Here in my car, I feel safest of all

Today, my car broke down in traffic. It's okay though, everyone honked in support while I moved my vehicle from the busy intersection. Only the third time this month. FML

Today, my mom came in to hug me while I was sleeping, or so I thought. I woke up and tried to hug her back, only to find she had wrapped a tape measure around me. She was trying to measure my bust size to win a bet. FML

Today, while volunteering to feed the homeless, one of them asked me to follow him to his car where he had a knife and bottle so he could "bottle up my blood". FML

Today, I couldn't sleep due to an awful head cold, so I stayed home from work. Apparently, the local high school marching band practices in the park across the street at 9am. They're doing the Imperial March music from Star Wars. They suck. FML

Indoctrination

Today, my friend invited me to an afro-indigenous event. Eager to learn more about my roots, I tagged along. The bean bag toss and warrior dance was fun, until the Q&A came and it was clear that the focus wasn't the African diaspora but "consistent ritualized self-improvement." Yup, it's a cult. FML

Today, a storm dropped a tree across my road. I would have moved it with my tractor, but there was a tree on that too. FML

Invaded

Today, while using a doorless restroom at the beach, a pack of seagulls rushed into my stall, followed by a group of kids chasing them. I guess the noise from tearing open a pad sounded enough like a bag of chips for them to think there was food. FML

WASTED

Today, I tripped over my own feet and dislocated my kneecap. FML

My name is Pica…

Today, my dog ate so much toilet paper that she can probably wipe herself from the inside out. FML

Today, I was helping a women that was looking for skin care products. She kept commenting on the look and "texture" of my skin in a very creepy and almost hungry fashion. I'm afraid that she wants to skin me. FML

Today, I forgot to pick up my grandmother at the train station. My mother was livid. My father, moved, told me, “for the first time in my life, I’m proud of you.” FML

Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of Asians trying to take a picture. Trying to help, I slowly say, "You... want me... take picture?" while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says, "No thanks asshole, I got it," in plain English. FML

Today, I texted my boyfriend, saying, "Hi." His response was, "I got your best friend pregnant." FML

Today, I went on a coffee date. My date blew his nose on a discarded napkin, smoked half of my cigarettes despite "giving up", chewed tobacco at the table and casually invited a friend to join us. His friend spat out his tobacco and poured cough syrup into his coffee. I'll pass on a second date. FML

Today, at 12, I went for a run across campus. Why? I'd realized my 12:30 exam was actually at 12. FML

Today, my husband refuses to stop answering my phone calls with, "Haaaaail Satan!" FML

Today, I can confirm that at 85 and 87 years old, it is indeed possible to have a sex life. Grandpa, grandma, thank you for having dispelled my doubt. FML

Today, I found out that when I drink alcohol, I snore so bad my boyfriend contemplated suffocating me with a pillow to get some sleep. FML

Today, while shopping for groceries, a small child pointed at my face and exclaimed : "DOGGIE!" FML

Wet dream

Today, my dog acted out a scene from Disney with me, by causing me and a member of the opposite sex to fall into a river after tangling our legs with the lead. No, it didn't lead to marriage, just me being yelled at. FML

Today, it was the first time I met my girlfriend's parents. It was also the day that I accidentally ripped their shed's door off its hinges. FML

Today, I was playing basketball, and while trying to jump and shoot, I farted on the face of the person behind me. FML

Dumbass

Today, I was hit by an unmanned semi truck that rolled down an embankment onto the highway. I'm fine, but the entire left side of my car is smashed in. The idiot responsible had to be dragged down the hill by the cops. Apparently, he was peeing and forgot to put the parking brake on. FML

Today, while walking down the street I thought it would be funny to moon a crowd of old people taking a photo, in a few seconds a couple of them started pointing in my direction... Turns out they were pointing at the car that ran me over shortly after. FML

Today, my husband cleaned out our fireplace and found a very dead, mummified bat. After chasing me around the house with it, he set it atop the mantle. He refuses to get rid of it, and calls it "Henry". FML

Today, I found out that my crazy stalker got a crazy stalker too. And she's also stalking me. So basically, I'm in some sort of a stalking triangle. FML

Today, the cops pulled over and tried to arrest my friends for transportation of a corpse and murder. Just because you find a body in the back of a truck bed, wrapped in a blanket cocoon and apparently unresponsive, does not mean they are dead. I was very much alive, thank you very much. FML

Enthusiastic

Today, after 6 months of unemployment and jobs searching, I showed up to my new job 10 minutes early. My new supervisor confusedly greeted me and informed me I was in fact a week and 10 minutes early. HR changed my start date and told everyone but me. FML