Iamnotmyself

Today, after working all day and putting in hours of overtime, I realized I never clocked in. FML

Today, my husband told me that he never washes his hands after using the bathroom because he thinks it's only for "paranoid people". FML

Today, my mother told me I'm going to get lung cancer. Because she smokes. FML

Today, I Googled my ex-husband only to find that in the years since we've split he now fancies himself as a stand-up comic. His material? Our sex life. FML

Today, I surprised my four year-old daughter with a stuffed dinosaur. She named it "Horny". FML

Stop talking, stop talking now

Today, I had to endure a long story about how and why my brother shaves his pubes. FML

Today, I accidentally deep throated a fork. FML

Real estate

Today, already knowing that my girlfriend wanted to be "just friends", I invited her over, hoping to change her mind. She was playfully drawing on me with a pen when I noticed she'd written "Emily's property" on my leg. I said "Aw, I'm yours?" She then drew a for-sale sign on me. FML

Today, after watching Insidious, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to scare me while I was on the toilet. I was in mid-piss when he jumped out at me, and I ran screaming and peeing down the hall. FML

Today, I accidentally asked a one-armed man which arm he wanted me to take blood from. He asked for a different nurse. FML

Today, my three-year-old daughter rushed in, excited about her new baby brother or sister. She was so excited, I didn't have the heart to tell her men can't have babies, and I just have a beer gut. FML

Today, I was arguing with a friend over whether or not I'm fat. She kept telling me that I was. Angry, I sat down on the chair beside her. It broke. FML

Today, I zoned out in a coffee shop for about two minutes and was brought back to reality when a woman smacked me out of my seat. Apparently I was staring at her chest while zoned out. FML

Your fault!

Today, I informed my parents that my husband and I are separating after much deliberation. We came to this conclusion relatively peacefully. According to my parents, I'm now Satan, and will end up on the streets as a crack whore if we don't change our minds and stay together. FML

Today, I checked into a hotel because my boss had assigned me to a new position. As soon as the reception lady looked up, she had me kicked out of the hotel. Apparently, one of the regulations is, "No prostitutes allowed." I was wearing a business suit. FML

Today, after coming back from deployment, I found a homeless guy had broken into my house and made it his home for the last 5 months. FML

Today, I finally figured out why my mechanic was so cheap; he wanted to sleep with me. After I politely declined, he charged me regular price plus extra for "humiliating" him. He's 60. I just recently turned 18. FML

Today, after pulling an all-nighter, I fell asleep at the beach. My friends took the opportunity to bury me in the sand, place food all around me, and wait for a flock of hungry seagulls to attack me. To top it off, they taped it all. FML

Today, the guy at Subway asked if I wanted to make my sandwich a footlong. I'm not sure what came over me, but before I realized what I was saying, I'd told him that I couldn't handle 12 inches. FML

Today, my daughter decided to come out to me by leaving a browser window open with the results page of an online "Are you lesbian?" quiz. FML

Today, a cute guy in a bar came up to me, and we started chatting. I'm a natural blonde, and he commented on how nice my hair was. He then followed this up with, "Does the carpet match the curtains?" FML

Today, a man with a face like a corpse's shoe started talking to me in the long queue at the Post Office. Apparently, his mother invented the banana, and he's first in line for the throne in France if ever Prince Harry dies. And his breath smelled like Satan's ass gas. FML

Teenage kicks

Today, thanks to my peripheral vision and a dropped mirror, I realized that I have horrible acne on my ass. FML

Today, I found my husband Googling Morse Code. He thinks his farts are trying to communicate with him. FML

Today, my parents' divorce was finalized, and my mother decided to publicly celebrate with a bikini wax. She calls it her "Declaration of Independence". FML

Today, I got kicked in the crotch. It popped my cherry. I lost my virginity to a shoe. FML

Today, I caught my wife slipping penis enlargement pills into my coffee. FML