Mademoiselle Wisconsin, United States
Today, my boyfriend invited me over to "play with his lizard." After excitedly rushing across town, I realized this wasn't a euphemism, he actually bought an Iguana. FML
Today, I was pulled over. The cop stated that he "couldn't see" me because I had "blended in with the dark car background", and that it looked like no one was driving. I was literally pulled over for being black. FML
Today, I learned that I'm expecting twins. A boy and a girl. My husband, upon finding out about this, immediately suggested that we give them Star Wars names. But not Luke and Leia. Oh no. He wants to name them Darth and Vayda. And he is absolutely serious about this. FML
Today, I came home from work to be given $1 by my mother. This normally would have been nice, had my mother not said, "I just sold that ugly old black and white picture frame you always leave lying around in your room." Which also would have been nice if that "frame" wasn't my Kindle. FML
Today, my 2-year-old cat finally decided to start catching mice. Like any other cat would, she left it for me to find. I found it in the middle of the night, as my bare foot rolled its guts out of its ass. FML
Today, I was late for class. I have extreme social anxiety, so I quietly slipped into the huge, packed auditorium, trying to be as quiet as possible. When I was almost to my seat, I accidentally kicked a teacher's coffee down the steps. The entire class looked at me and some clapped. FML
Today, a creepy girl from my class wouldn't stop texting me and trying to call me. In order to get her to stop, I texted back saying that I was at my mom's house for a family dinner. She replied, "No you're not. I can see you right now." FML
Today, an hour after having been turned down for sex, I walked in on my wife fingering herself to a copy of War and Peace. FML
Today, I caught my mother trying to switch my contraceptive pill for Tic Tacs. I don't know what's worse - how far she will go to have a grandchild, or that she thought I wouldn't notice that my birth control left me with minty fresh breath. FML
Today, it's our third anniversary. After a candlelit dinner and a midnight boat ride, my wife turned down sex, because "it's too cliché." FML
Today, in a state of extreme boredom, I decided to dress my 6-month-old son in girl's clothes. As he sat in my lap in a frilly dress, and as I was placing a very pink and lacy bow on his head, my mother-in-law unexpectedly walked in. She now thinks I'm mentally unstable and should be in therapy. FML
Today, my girlfriend decided it would be cute to leave a love letter in my car while I was at work. She left my lights on. I got a dead battery. FML
Today, my boyfriend dumped me by throwing my stuff out of his place, and accusing me of cheating while yelling, "Cheater, cheater! Pumpkin eater!" When I tried explaining that I have no clue what he's talking about, he started exclaiming, "Liar, liar! Pants on fire!" FML
Today, I was separating my notes into two piles: one to save for exam studying and one to throw out. I finished separating, picked up the junk pile, and absentmindedly shredded it. Afterwards, I looked down to see the junk pile still completely intact. Goodbye, passing grades. FML
Today, after being single for a while now, I unwillingly went on a blind date with a guy my friend convinced me would be perfect for me. He took me to McDonald's. His father was with him the whole entire time. He's 27. FML
Today, I was chatting to a friend on Facebook about girls, and why we're single. We somehow ended up admitting to one another that we'd never get girlfriends, finding out that we both like hentai porn, and trading info on Japanese sex toys. FML
Today, I found out that after drunkenly falling asleep at a guy's house, I not only slept-walked in his house, but I went upstairs into his parents room. And used their bathroom. I don't remember any of this, but his mom does. FML
Today, I got my boyfriend a pair of concert tickets for his birthday. He loved the gift, but turned to me and said, "Do I have to bring you?" FML
Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML
Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML
Today, I took the bus to work. A sweet old lady got on after and sat next to me. Halfway there, she fell asleep, her head on my shoulder. I gently tried to wake her up before my stop. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML
Today, on my wedding day, when they said, "You may kiss the bride", I swung my wife over in the romantic fashion and went in for the kiss. Unfortunately, my hands were sweaty as I was nervous, and she slipped under my grip. She fell and was knocked unconscious in front of hundreds of people. FML
Today, my boyfriend ran accidentally head-first into my face and left me with a giant black eye. My mother is convinced I had a seizure in a park somewhere and won't listen when I tell her she's wrong, and everyone else thinks my boyfriend is abusive. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were trying to have intercourse for the first time. One minute into it, he got nervous and farted. What's worse is that his fart scared him, and he asked "What was that?" FML
Today, a cute girl sat down next to me on the bus. She looked up at me, and then moved to the back. FML
Today, I was working out at the gym. A very attractive girl was watching me work out, so feeling like a stud, I tried to lift a really heavy weight. I failed, got trapped, and watched helplessly as she walked away laughing. FML
Today, I dried my hands on the same towel I used this morning to wipe up a few shards of glass. You can't see the small splinters in my hands, but believe me, I can feel them. FML
Today, my boyfriend got drunk and tried to french-kiss my dog. Now he has 12 stitches in his face, and he's insisting we have to get my dog put down. FML
Today, my friend told me how depressing it is that she hasn't had sex in two weeks. I haven't had sex in 3 years. FML
Today, I read an article with tips on how to give girls full-body orgasms and I decided to test a few on my girlfriend. Instead of having a mind-blowing orgasm, she started cackling and said I looked like a giraffe trying to bob for apples. FML
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