Dax Boldajar

Bat out of hell

Today, I went on a blind date. Sadly, I wasn't blind enough. FML

Today, my friends and I were talking about our celebrity lookalikes. We decided that my friends all had attractive celebrity lookalikes, including Scarlett Johansson and Hayden Panettiere. When it was my turn, they decided that my "celebrity" lookalike is the Pillsbury Doughboy. FML

Today, I poured myself some punch into a mug I have sitting on a shelf at my studio. Upon tipping it upside down to swallow the last few delicious drops, I see a cluster of mouse droppings stuck to the bottom. FML

Today, I found out that maggots can live inside of a saxophone. FML

Wise words

Today, my five year-old daughter came up to me and told me she wanted to be a nun. When I asked why, she replied, "So I won't get my heart broken by a boy." FML

Today, my niece stole a bottle of whiskey from me to mix with Monster and get drunk with her boyfriend. It was a bottle of 23-year-old Pappy Van Winkle's that cost over $2000. FML

Keep it down

Today, my father bought a pair of fancy noise cancelling headphones. He doesn't realise that the noise cancelling function only slightly muffles the moaning and screaming in the porn he's watching. FML

Today, I opened up my laptop to replace a faulty chip inside, which took me half an hour. When I closed it all up again, I saw the replacement part in its packaging on my desk. FML

Today, I woke up and found a turd casually sitting in the bathroom sink. Just 9 more months left on this lease. FML

Today, I went to the pool with my new white bathers. I felt really good about myself because everyone was staring at me until this hot guy came up to me and said "Dude, your bathers are see-through. You need to shave!" FML

Thirfty and frugal

Today, my parents decided that the best way to save money was to dilute everything we drank with water. Only one more year of watered down soda and juice to go. FML

Today, I discovered that if you are being mugged, never tell your mugger you are going to call the police because he will come back and steal your phone too. FML

Today, after vacuuming, I struggled to pull the nozzle attachment out. I yanked it too hard and it flew out, hitting me in the face and causing my head to jerk back into the wall behind me. My girlfriend had to drive me to the hospital for my concussion. FML

Today, I tried skydiving for the first time. The professional I was attached to had a boner the whole way down. FML

Today, my boss reprimanded me for my lack of media communications skills. It would be more understandable if I weren't a janitor. FML

Slippin'

Today, I was snowboarding when a skier cut me off, resulting in me colliding with a 12 year-old girl. The girl was totally fine, and I was alright except for a slight nose bleed. I apologized to the girl, then her mom hit me over the back with a ski pole as I snowboarded away. FML

Smooth

Today, I had a coffee date. The guy was waiting with coffee to meet me on the patio. I walked up to him, caught my favorite pendant necklace on the table, broke the necklace trying to get it free, and rattled the table so intensely that the guy's coffee spilled all over him. FML