ArmadasRebellion

Today, my mother looked me dead in the face and said, "I have failed as a parent." FML

Today, I found a condom on my bed with a note written by my girlfriend that said, "Since you started acting like a dick, you might as well dress like one." FML

Today, we were going around the table, telling everyone what we were thankful for. My girlfriend said she was thankful for her vibrator, because I can't please her like it can. My family thought this was funny. FML

Today, I caught my mother trying to text on her iPhone, with her nipple. FML

Today, I came to the conclusion that my dad must have had a psychotic break, because when I came home, he was wearing sunglasses indoors, and blasted out Skrillex music all through the evening. The sound of diarrhea pouring into a gutter would make for better music than this. FML

Today, I broke my wrist when I got into a disagreement with a horse. FML

Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. FML

Today, I woke up to one of my hamsters cannibalizing the other. FML