Compliqué
Today, a nearby volcano erupted for the second time. We were all urged to keep our windows and doors closed in case of ash clouds. My father responded by opening every window and door and shouting, "Come at me, bro!" FML
Today, whilst at a red light in my car, a homeless man with a spray bottle and a dirty rag came over to clean my windows. He started with the driver's window, which was wide open, and whatever was in his spray bottle smelled suspiciously like urine. FML
Today, I heard a teenage boy ask his friend, "So, is it, like, November in Australia too?" This is the future of America. FML
Today, I was watching a video from the 80s on sexual dysfunctions, and I noticed that one of the boys in the film looked strangely like my dad when he was younger. After a little investigation, I now know that in his youth, my dad had a crippling masturbation problem. FML
Today, my mom hung her new "Christmas Clock" on the wall. It plays a different Christmas carol every hour, on the hour. It's only December 2nd and I'm already starting to understand why suicide rates sky rocket this time of year. FML
Today, my shower is being renovated so I washed my hair in the kitchen sink. I put my two year-old son on the counter next to me so I could keep him close. As I was rinsing out my hair, my son started playing with the light switches. He flicked the garbage disposal by accident. FML
Today, I was at my boyfriend's house and we were just about to kiss. Until his mum walked in saying his girlfriend was at the door. I thought I was already there. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 3 months broke up with me because he is moving. He's only moving 20 minutes away. FML
Today, I caught myself staring at my grandmother's cleavage. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I went to a basketball game. A very pretty woman sat next to him. During the third quarter, the kiss cam came on. But it didn't show him and me, it showed him and the other girl. And they kissed. FML
Today, I woke up to my boyfriend pulling off scabs and eating them. My scabs. FML
Today, I have been awake so long I hallucinated a llama in my living room. I have a medical condition that keeps me from sleeping properly. I've run out of medication. I still see the llama. FML
Today, while watching TV with my wife, I realized that we were still watching "My Little Pony" even though the kids had been asleep for half an hour. FML
Today, I was on the bus during rush hour. A fly started buzzing around my head, and I swatted at it, at the exact moment the woman beside me decided to get out of her seat and put her face straight in the path of my hand. FML
Today, I discovered I have really bad dandruff. I learned this when I went indoor mini golfing and my whole upper body lit up like a Christmas tree underneath the black light. Among my friends I'm now known as The Abominable Snowman. FML
Today, I met a hot guy at the bar and we hit it off instantly. After a few drinks, he called a cab for us. When it arrived, I seducingly asked, "My place or yours?" He responds, "Both. I'll go to mine and you go to yours" and walked away. The cab driver laughed the whole way home. FML
Today, I realized just how bad my problem with making eye contact is, when I caught myself looking the other way when the singer in a music video looked directly at the camera. FML
Today, I was so lonely that I had a conversation with myself on my way home. It was only when I reached my apartment complex that I discovered that my neighbour had been walking behind me, laughing to himself the whole way. FML
Today, it was snowing, and the campus looked just lovely. I sat on a nearby window ledge to enjoy the view. I was joined by a girl who looked fascinated as well, so I decided to make small talk. She nodded, smiled wistfully, and said, "There's herpes in the air today." FML
Today, I put my ironing board away in the bathroom. After closing the door, I heard a loud noise. The board had opened up while falling over, taking up the width of the room. I can't open the door. FML
Today, the person I've been sharing my most intimate feelings with finally got bored and let me know I've been texting the wrong number for weeks. FML
Today, while trying to kill a spider in my kitchen, I thought it would be wise to throw a bottle at it. The bottle hit the wall, bounced off the fridge and hit me in the face. The lucky spider crawled away, and is surely still laughing somewhere. FML
Today, on the bus, I caught the eye of this ugly, sweaty girl giving me a death stare through the driver's mirror. I gave her a death stare back. Only then I realized I was staring at myself. FML
Today, while at the store, I realized how socially inept I am when I said "excuse me" to a shopping cart because it was in my way. FML
Today, I shut my finger in the car door. The door locked. Then I dropped the keys on the ground and couldn't reach them. FML
Today, I went into Whole Foods asking if they carried a supplement called Carnosine. The girl assisting me had no idea what it was, but asked, "Is this for weight loss?" FML
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