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Today, I repeatedly had to ask people to please stop groping the mannequins. FML

Today, my coworker convinced a little girl that teddy bears are actually the bodies of dead baby bears. I work at Build-a-Bear-Workshop, and we were working a 4-year-old's birthday party. FML

Today, I was working behind the bar at a club. After serving drinks to a guy, he asked me if I could carry them outside to the two girls waiting for him. I scowled at him and told him I wasn't a waitress. That's when I realised he had one arm. FML

Today, my boyfriend was rubbing my leg. He started laughing and said, "Babe, is this your leg, or am I petting Daisy?" Daisy is my dog. I need to shave. FML

Today, my boyfriend came over for the first time after we made up from a huge fight. He loves my cat, but she's sick right now so she wouldn't play with him. He yelled at me for "making" her not like him by "telling her lies". FML

Today, my boyfriend and I went to the doctor's for an ultrasound, as I'm 7 months pregnant. Then he went home and took his wife out to dinner for her birthday. FML

Coming soon, to a place near you…

Today, my new colleagues took me up on my idea of a group night out. Perhaps they'll actually invite me along next time. FML

Hooligans

Today, I was playing soccer when a player kicked the ball at my crotch. In pain, I kneeled down. The referee came up to me and whispered, "The smaller they are, the more it hurts." FML

Today, being so desperate for money, I accepted a job in which I get shot at with paintballs for six hours. FML

Today, I got two pieces of mail. One was a fine for not presenting my concession card to ticket inspectors on a train. The other was my concession card. FML

Today, my boyfriend accused me of cheating because according to him, our child does not have his hair color, eye color, or other facial features. Our son is five days old, bald and hasn't opened his eyes much. The closest thing I can probably compare him to is an old, wrinkly potato. FML

Long haul

Today, I have to go on a 7-hour-bus ride sitting beside my ex-boyfriend's mother. We broke up because she told him to. FML

Today, I was at my in-laws' house, and as I was walking to the living room I had my hands on the back of my hips supporting my back. My mother-in-law told me to stop because it makes me look pregnant. I'm 9 months pregnant. FML

Today, my wife's pregnancy hormones got so bad that she freaked out and threw a tantrum, accusing me of always making important decisions for her. All I did was get her some food from Taco Bell as a surprise. FML

Today, I passed my math test with flying colors. My dad thought I had cheated, so he emailed the school and told them that I had. They lowered my grade. FML

Today, I got my two-year-old's Halloween costume in the mail. I tried it on him to make sure it fit. He loves it so much that he is now having a complete meltdown because he wants to go trick-or-treating. He doesn't understand we only go trick-or-treating on Halloween. 23 more days to go. FML

Today, I asked my friend to crop me out of her profile picture on Facebook because I look terrible in it. She responded that she wasn't going to, because it made her look better. FML

Today, my boyfriend won a diamond engagement ring through a citywide competition. Instead of proposing to me, he's selling it. FML

Today, I yet again had to pretend to be a dumb bimbo so that my boyfriend wouldn't get upset over the fact that, in some cases, I might be smarter than him. FML

Today, my brother finally informed me that our shower head has an option to make the water only come out of the detachable part. My left leg's been in a cast for 4 months, and the whole time I've had to shower sitting backwards with my leg sticking out the door. He knew. FML

Today, I realized I can't afford to break up with my boyfriend of 2 years, as we split the rent. I'll need a second job just to get out of my bad relationship. FML

Today, my boyfriend blew me off yet again because he claims he has a responsibility as a "crew leader" to train and recruit members at all times, to accommodate all time zones. GTA V is ruining our relationship. FML

Today, my "friend" came over. I caught him trying to steal my iPod on the way out. Proud of myself for catching him, I asked him to leave, only to realize that I had forgotten to actually take the iPod back from him before he left. FML

Communication breakdown

Today, I took my car to be repaired. The mechanic put out his hand when he saw me, so I shook it. He just wanted my keys. FML

Today, I had a new client on my massage list. Two of my fingers got stuck in the thick coat of hair covering his back. I had to stop myself from making grunting noises whilst extricating them. FML

It's not what you think

Today, my boss brought her cat to work. At one point, I looked up and everyone was staring at me staring at the cat's asshole. FML

Today, I was talking dirty to my long-distance lover while touching myself, when a cockroach fell from my ceiling and landed on the hand I was molesting myself with. FML

Today, I found out that my brother is adamant that if he records silence, then listens to said silence at full volume, it'll improve the headphones' noise-blocking abilities. I live with a complete idiot. FML

Today, I read an article about the top 10 worst jobs this year. This list includes my degree and three of my main skills and interests. FML

Today, after months of exercise and diets and finally reaching my ideal weight, I told my morbidly obese cousin about my success, hoping to motivate him to do the same. He replied, "Why would it matter, you're still ugly." FML