Begiz

Today, water turned to wine. That is, my brother put wine in my hamster's water bottle. Very bad idea. FML

Trigger

Today, I was home alone. It was very dark and so I went to turn on the lights, when I heard the sound of a gun loading. I dropped to the floor but never heard a gun fire. I got up and heard the sound again. When I got lights on, I discovered it was only my printer telling me it was out of paper. FML

Today, I just realized the harder my girlfriend comes during sex, the louder she snores after. I've tried earplugs but sometimes, like tonight, once I am up, I can't fall back to sleep. My choices are thus great sex and no sleep, or great sleep but no sex. FML

Today, I was buying condoms for my girlfriend and myself. While at the checkout counter, my guy friend sees me, runs to me, puts his arm around me, kisses me on the cheek, then yells "Thank you baby!" There were about twenty people behind me, they all gave me dirty looks. FML

Today, my wife changed her facebook status from "married" to "widowed". I'm scared. FML

Today, I walked into my bedroom, only to find out that my bed is missing. I have no idea where it is. FML

Today, I told my 3 year old daughter to behave or I'd spank her. She looked right at me and said "Bring it." FML

Today, I noticed that my wife changed her status on Facebook to "widow" and a lot of strange guys commented saying stuff like "Finally." Last I checked, I'm not dead. FML

Today, I teach English in Taiwan. I got two new students, brothers named Harry and Potter. People, they're children, not pets. FML

Today, I got very drunk after being fired from my job. In my depressed, intoxicated state, I posted my facebook status as 'Goodbye world'. The only response was from my dad saying 'cya'. His comment got 29 likes. FML

Bad day

Today, I accidentally set off an alarm at the school I work for. No one was there, I didn't have the code or password the company needed, my boss wouldn't answer his phone, three policemen interrogated me and asked for ID, but realized I left home without my wallet. There was nothing I could do. I cried. FML

Today, I realized I've been driving for almost two years and still get excited when I park between the lines on my first try. FML

Today, without even trying, I convinced my 17-year-old daughter that blueberries are just peas holding their breath. I have raised a complete airhead. FML

Today, I woke up to an early Christmas present on my car. It was a nicely wrapped box containing a dead bird, a half eaten sandwich, and a note reading "MERRY F**KING CHRISTMAS STAN." This will probably be my only Christmas present. My name is Luke. FML

TODAY, I PRESSED CAPS LOCK ON MY LAPTOP AND THE KEY GOT STUCK. NOW ALL OF MY LETTERS ARE IN CAPITAL LETTERS. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. FML

Let me out!

Today, I've been on the same train for two hours at a standstill due to "signal problems". We can't get off because it's "unsafe." I'm on my way home from work and I can see my house through the window. FML

Today, I went for a job interview. I was asked if I wanted a drink. I have no idea why, but I replied "a bottle of milk please." FML

Today, my 12 year old son came home from school and informed me that he bought an air guitar for $20. He honestly thinks this is a good price. FML

Today, my genius boyfriend was trying to remember a particular island in the Caribbean that was used by pirates in the past. I offered up Morocco. I heard him facepalm over the phone. FML

Today, on the bus, a delusional old man had an extremely long conversation with me, referring to me as "Leslie" and talking about "our childhood together". Not wanting to hurt his feelings I played along. At his stop he got up and grinned at me, saying "I'm kidding. I never knew a Leslie in my life. Nice rack." FML

Today, I was propositioned by an incredibly pretty girl. I'm a 24 year old virgin; she's my best mate's girlfriend. She tells him everything when drunk, and he's a black-belt in karate. This could officially be classified as torture. FML

Family Matters

Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML

Too many JCS videos

Today, I discovered that when you buy ropes, duct tapes, a shovel, razor blades, a fire poker, and a carton of cigs, the police can turn up and search your house for 'prisoners'. Those items were actually coincidental. FML

Today, yep, pubic hair is still flammable. FML

Spooky season

Today, I got a complaint from my neighbor about a little girl staring at her through my guest bedroom window for the past month. I live alone. Now I'm scared to live in my own house. FML

Today, while stuck in traffic on the highway, my 5 year-old in the back seat asked me why the man in the car next to us was pulling on the other man's "peepee". FML

Quiet

Today, I was sitting in the hospital waiting area. An old lady was crying, and my five year-old daughter asked her, "Are you okay?" The woman quietly nodded, prompting my daughter to scream at the top of her lungs, "Well shut up then!" FML

Today, while riding in the car with my mother, we got into an argument, at which point she pulled the vehicle over, took the key out of the ignition and used it to turn off the passenger airbag. She then continued driving in silence. FML

Today, my five year old ran down the street wearing nothing but flip flops, Star Wars underwear, and a baseball helmet. He was swinging a badminton racket while screaming "THIS IS SPARTA!" My neighbors watched laughing as I had to run after him down the street in my pajamas. FML

Today, the boys who sit at my math table decided it would be funny to throw broken pencils at my boobs to see if they were real. They did this the entire class period. I have to work with this group for the rest of the school year. FML