Monsieur Groningen, The Netherlands 34 ans Célibataire
Today, the driver's side window of my car was busted, and inside was a note that said, "Sorry, thought this was my car." FML
Today, my boss fired me for dating a co-worker. There's no policy forbidding it; he just thought it was unfair that I could get with the "hottest girl who works here" but he can't. I live in an at-will employment state. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, because apparently my mom hates him and doesn't want us to be together. My mom died six years ago. FML
Today, my drunk father chased me down the street with my little brother's light saber screaming, "Come back Yoda! Teach me how to use the force!" FML
Today, I went to an amateur baseball game with some family and friends. When our team hit a home run, my grandpa took it upon himself to start screaming wildly, removing his prosthetic leg and waving it jubilantly in the air. FML
Today, I realized I have no life after I created a fake Facebook account, posted an insulting message on my wall, and then engaged in a vicious argument with it, just so I could impress my friends. FML
Today, I was tanning by the pool. My friend put his arms under my back and knees and picked me up. He threw me across the kiddy pool to my boyfriend, shouting "Catch!" My boyfriend didn't catch me. Instead of a tan, I have a huge bruise. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me on my Facebook wall. 27 people liked it. FML
Today, as a joke, I hid under my parents' bed, hoping to scare them when they came home. When they finally arrived, they burst through their bedroom door, tearing each other's clothes off. I had to keep my breath in time with my mom's panting and moaning as my dad brutally dominated her. FML
Today, I walked in on my father and brother attempting to harmonize their farts. FML
Today, while at my job at a Christian summer camp, I overheard one of the kids swearing. I politely said, "Please, only speak as Jesus would." He paused for a moment and replied, "Go to hell." FML
Today, my child was refusing to leave the playground. I had to pry her, screaming and crying, from the monkey bars. I then realized I had been assaulting someone else's kid. FML
Today, I met my long distance girlfriend after two years of being separated by 900 miles. She brought her short distance boyfriend to the meeting. FML
Today, I caught a cab to take me to a hospital appointment. The driver turned around and told me I was in the Cash Cab. I got really excited and screamed. That is, until she laughed and said, "Just kidding. I always wanted to do that to someone." FML
Today, I went to a Japanese restaurant, where the chefs cook the food right in front of you. Our chef tossed an egg in the air, but sadly didn't catch it. Don't worry though, my hair got it instead. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by tossing the ring at me and saying "Here, wear this." FML
Today, I broke my leg while trying to show my friend how I broke my other leg. FML
Today, I got a complaint from my neighbor about a little girl staring at her through my guest bedroom window for the past month. I live alone. Now I'm scared to live in my own house. FML
Today, my pet fish died because my drunk father microwaved it. FML
Today, the guy I've had the biggest crush on came to my house to pick me up for our first date. As we were leaving, my father screams out "Do you still have diarrhea?" I don't have diarrhea. My dad thinks he's so funny. FML
Today, my twit of a husband admitted to falling for an internet scam involving a dead foreign politician, the promise of a share in millions of dollars currently stuck in a bank, and him having wired a large amount of our money to "bribe an official". FML
Today, I was taking a dump behind a dumpster. I suddenly heard a noise and a vibration against the dumpster. It was a garbage truck lifting it to collect the trash. The garbage men started laughing and took out their phones. FML
Today, my mom was screaming at me and said, "I wish I'd never adopted you." I guess I'm adopted then. FML
Today, my house was raided for drugs. I had to find out my father is a drug dealer. The cops then told me this wasn't their first time here, but it was the first time I was home to see it. They said it was nice to finally meet me. FML
Today, I took my new boyfriend to a family dinner. Despite having made everyone agree to be on their best behavior, my grandma spewed obscenities such as "fuck me sideways, aren't you a catch?" and "you just can't pull ass like that at my age" throughout. FML
Today, someone broke into my car just to steal the freshly baked cookies in the back seat. They also left a thank you note. FML
Today, my eight year-old son came to me and said he thinks it's time he started wearing bras. It turns out his older brother has been mindfucking him for the past several months and has him convinced it's something all boys his age do. I can't convince him otherwise. FML
Today, I was sitting in the hospital waiting area. An old lady was crying, and my five year-old daughter asked her, "Are you okay?" The woman quietly nodded, prompting my daughter to scream at the top of her lungs, "Well shut up then!" FML
Today, at dinner, I accidentally let it slip that I'd taken a small sip of alcohol a few years ago and hated it. My extremely strict parents are now trying to get me into rehab. FML
Today, my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me. She took everything, including the kidney I gave her a year ago. FML
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