Today, I found out if I refuse my boyfriend anything in public, he will continually yell out, "Penis!" until he gets his way. FML
Today, I drove into a cluster of dustbins thanks to my dozy cat who'd managed to get into my car, fall asleep, and wake up while I was driving to work. I lost control when I was startled by him staring at me in the rear-view mirror. FML
Today, my boyfriend insisted that we try phone sex. He started telling me all the things he wanted to do to me while breathing heavily. Unfortunately, it sounded so ridiculous, I burst out laughing. He hung up on me, and has refused to pick up since. FML
Today, it was my first day being a full-time paramedic. I was shot in the arm. FML
Today, while over at a friend's house, I saw a framed picture of a young African boy on her fridge. I asked, "Oh, is this one of those kids you adopt from third world countries? My grandma does that too." She responded, "What do you mean? That's my cousin." FML
Today, I found out that when you are sitting on a full bench at a bus stop, some crazy person will come sit on you. FML
Today, like every other day, my boss referred to my breasts as pillows he needs to nap on. FML
Today, I got fired. My coworker decided to imitate my voice, stand outside of my boss's office door, and say insulting things about his daughter. FML
Today, I got really bored so I posted on Facebook "Someone should kidnap me for the day." My mom commented, "The only things willing to kidnap you are aliens, and that would be because they'd mistaken you for a cow." 16 people liked her comment. FML
Today, while I was out shopping, my pants decided that they just didn't have enough holes in them, and ripped a new one in the crotch. FML
Today, while in the middle of giving my husband a blow job, I looked up to see him staring into space and vigorously picking his nose. FML
Today, the vibrator I ordered online was delivered. I'd paid extra to make sure it would be here before the weekend, so I could sneak it into my room while everyone was gone. My dad decided to stay home all day and answer the door ahead of me. FML
Today, a kid from school came to my house. He asked my dad if I was at home, because we were "planning a bit of the old, you know…" and made an obscene gesture. Now I'm grounded for a month, and no matter what I say, my dad won't believe that I've never even spoken to the kid before. FML
Today, while my boyfriend and I were in the shower, we began to get a bit frisky. That was until I lifted my arms and he immediately made one of his "Chewbacca Calls." He was referring to my armpits that I had forgotten to shave. FML
Today, I got home from my 6-week vacation. Apparently, my mum cleaned my room for me while I was gone because my vibrator was neatly tucked into my blanket, next to my pillow instead of being hidden under my bed. FML
Today, I found out the guy that my girlfriend introduced as her brother was actually her boyfriend. I also paid for him to come out with us to the movies several times. FML
Today, I'm so broke that when I got out of the shower, I had to slowly dry myself off with a ShamWow sample I received in the mail. FML
Today, I accidentally dropped my phone while I was crossing the road. Luckily, it survived the fall. Not so luckily, an oncoming bus steamrolled it into oblivion. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were hugging in the hall after school. This annoying kid I know walked by, and yelled, "Tiny penis!" at me. My girlfriend responded, "Yep." FML
Today, I finally got the chance to meet this wonderful guy I met on a dating site. She was very excited to see me, too. FML
Today, in an attempt to be romantic, my boyfriend threw little stones against my window. Unfortunately, the window wasn't closed, and I was standing in front of it. FML
Today, I was really sick. I had been sneezing all day and my skin had started to dry out. When my mom asked me if I needed anything, I immediately responded with "lotion and tissues," not realizing what I was suggesting. She then talked to me for 20 minutes about how "masturbation is okay." FML
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