Today, I discovered the reason my favorite stick of deodorant hasn't smelled right for the past two weeks. My dad uses it on his butt crack and balls "to clean up the stank". FML
Today, I thought it would be a good idea to let my 19-month-old son watch me pee, since I'm trying to potty train him. I didn't consider that he might try to grab my penis. When he did, I was startled and peed all over the floor and my son. Good job dad. FML
Today, I went to my doctor. I casually asked him why I keep getting headaches after I masturbate. He said it probably was a sign from God. FML
Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, he laid on the bed, silent and naked in the fetal position, I had to sit there stroking his head for an hour. I think I raped my boyfriend. FML
Today, I was at work handling the cash register. It wasn't working correctly, so I apologized to the woman I was waiting on for the delay and explained, "The cash register's being a little retarded today." Then I noticed her clearly "special" adult son standing behind her. FML
Today, my parents were coming to visit me at my brand new apartment. I made dinner and served them the cake my roomate had left for me in the fridge. Thirty minutes after they left, I was so baked that I couldn't think straight. I still don't know if my parents made it home. FML
Today, I invited a few of my co-workers over to play video games. Within an hour, my wife had gotten drunk, grabbed my controller, told me to "get back in the kitchen", and described to everyone in blood-chilling detail how she took her first boyfriend's virginity. FML
Today, I overheard my mom telling my younger sister not to use my razors because she "doesn't know what I may have." FML
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to put his penis in a hole in our bedroom wall. FML
Today, my boyfriend gave me a dutch oven, with my own fart. FML
Today, despite being 21 years old and living in my own place, my mom still managed to walk in on me whacking off. FML
Today, my girlfriend referred to her yeast infection as "making bread." I can never look at bread the same way. FML
Today, my 10-year-old brother got the bright idea to urinate in my oven to cool it off. My whole house smells like burnt piss. FML
Today, my dad walked into my room, threw some magazines on my bed, and calmly said, "You left your porn in the bathroom again." FML
Today, my 18-year-old son asked me if I was a virgin. I still don't know what to say to him. FML
Today, I was driving home from work when I saw the woman in the car in front of me throw something out the window. Only when it landed on my windshield did I realize what it was. A bloody tampon. FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job when she started crying. Despite my pleas for her to stop and attempts to comfort her, she insisted that she continue. I feel like a monster. FML
Today, my dad decided that he shouldn't have to wear clothes in the privacy of his own home. FML
Today, I was cooking with super hot ghost peppers. The package said "After handling them not to touch your eyes, nose or pets". They should've added "penis" to that list. FML
Today, my mother came home from the grocery store with a 20kg bag of carrots, and nothing else. She then informed me that, for as long as my girlfriend and I keep 'going at it like rabbits', she would be feeding me like one. FML
Today, I accidentally told my mom to ejaculate the flash drive from the PC. FML
Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. Soon, I noticed he was being very quiet. When I looked up, he was in a deep sleep. FML
Today, at my grandmother's funeral there was a fight about inheritance. It was my teenage daughters arguing about what they get when I die. FML
Today, I realized I've been confusing scenes from The Lord of the Rings with American history. FML
Today, my mother told me it's okay to be a prostitute, as long as I make sure the clients pay a lot. FML
Today, while showering with my boyfriend, he asked if something was weird about his penis. Naturally, I looked closer. As soon as I did, he sprayed my face with urine. This is only the beginning; we just moved in. FML
Today, I was entering a guy's number into my phone, and I couldn't remember his name. Embarrassed, I tried to be sneaky and asked, "Can you spell your name for me, please?" His name is Bob. FML
Today, I let my daughter bake a cake for her brother's fifth birthday party. She showed up later with a cake in the shape of a cock and balls. Apparently it's okay, though, because "I frosted it to look like a rocket, hehehe!" I can't believe my balls spawned this moron. FML
Today, I was using a penis pump for the first time. It was awesome until it sucked my left testicle into the tube. I'll be singing soprano for a while now. FML
Today, I saw a folder on my son's PC named "PussyPictures". I sat him down for a talk, only to be told they contained pictures of the James Bond character Pussy Galore, for his essay about sexism in movies. He's now mocking me for "having a dirty mind". FML
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