mastercrammer

Today, I have blue lips because of a guy whose face I don't even remember didn't know the difference between kissing and sucking. FML

Today, I kissed the girl I love for the first time. Her reaction? She vomited. FML

Today, it appears that my girlfriend visited an internet web page called "How to confess to having an affair." FML

Today, the girl I'm secretly in love with, whom I was talking to on MSN, told me she'd "brb in 10, no wait 20, oh make that 30 min" depending on her boyfriend's stamina. FML

Today, my little brother, who is 11, explained to me how babies are made. I’m 15. FML

Today, they finally took my braces off. 7 hours later I fell off my bike and chipped my tooth. FML

Today, my boyfriend doesn't know if he should break up with me because he loves me too much, or to stay with me and make me suffer. I have no clue as to what's going on in his head. FML

Today, I was in a nightclub with my girlfriend when a beautiful woman looked at me in the most provocative way. I didn't want to upset my girlfriend, so I escaped to the bar. When I came back, I saw the same girl making out with my girlfriend. Maybe I wasn't the one she was looking at. FML

Self improvement

Today, my wisdom teeth decided to come in. I didn't know that being wise could hurt so much. FML

Today, to my delight I discover that there is security camera in the storage room at my work. The same room where, two days ago I masturbated. FML

Running late

Today, my company was having a huge party so I went to work dressed in my best outfit. During lunch break, my boss said to me, "You really missed out on something yesterday, it was great fun!" FML

Today, my boss said to me: 'You know, our competitors are also hiring!' FML

Thanks, I hate it

Today, I helped my son do his maths homework. He got a C and won’t talk to me anymore. FML

Rock n roll!

Today, I was supposed to perform my first concert in front of a crowded audience. As we were about to go on stage, my band decided to roll a joint outside. The cops just happened to pass by, and now I'm on my own. FML

TMI

Today, I was looking for a magazine in my mother's bedside cabinet and I came across some daft test about sex. Apparently, my mother likes anal, oral, and my dad's cock is bent. Nauseous. FML

Today, I was performing the classic 69 position with my girlfriend. I wasn't able to control it : I farted right into her nose. FML

Thanks, Dad!

Today, my dad surprised me by moving my bed (involving disassembling and reassembling it) in my new room, because I couldn't find how I wanted to set it up. He also took care of putting back my vibrator between the mattress and the base, where it was hidden. FML

Today, my girlfriend told me that I was irrationally jealous. I’ve just learnt that she has a website where she masturbates in front of a webcam. FML

Today, during dinner, my new girlfriend's father stroked my leg several times under the table with his bare foot. FML

Today, it's my birthday. It's 6.30 pm. I'm still the only person aware of what day it is. FML

Bedtime story

Today, I was babysitting four rather noisy and rowdy kids. After a two-hour struggle, I finally managed to get them into bed. I then asked them what they wanted before going to sleep. The eldest replied: "Can you tell us a story where you die at the end?" FML

Today, I tried to cuddle Simon, my five year-old son. He wriggled away and said, "If you need a teddy bear, go buy one! Or get another Simon!" FML

Today, I fell in love with a girl on the internet, she's great and funny. She says she's 16, but everyone keeps telling me she's only 11 and that I'm a pedophile. FML

Today, I stole one of my cousin's chocolates. I didn't tell her, after I ate it, I read the box and realized that it was a chocolate laxative. I'm posting this from the bathroom. FML

Thanks for the input

Today, I told my 10 year-old brother I was turning 23. He said, "You need to get a boyfriend." FML

First!

Today, I almost had an orgasm. Unfortunately, he had one first. FML

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend and accidentally called her Brad, which is one of my roommate's names, when I came. Now her and her friends think I'm gay, and my roomate Brad moved out. FML

Fart are funny, period

Today, I was in one of those lucid half sleeps with my boyfriend. Not fully awake to control myself, I ripped ass. I had no idea what to do. I pretended to still be sleeping. I'm pretty sure he noticed because he patted me on the back in a congratulatory sort of way. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I lost our virginity to each other. Before, I reached over to her computer and put on "Your Body is a Wonderland". Surprisingly, I lasted through the song and didn't realize her iTunes was on random. "Rape Me" by Nirvana came on. I still finished. FML

Today, I was taking the elevator down with a group of people. It stopped on the 2nd floor and I said "What asshole can't take the steps from the 2nd floor?" Then a kid in a wheelchair got on. FML