VampireKissesXO

Get them away from me

Today, I was attacked by clowns at work. I don't work at the circus. FML

Today, I dreamed that I was kidnapped by Charlie Sheen. FML

That's more than I asked for

Today, while my teacher was helping me with a problem, the gum he was chewing fell from his mouth and down my shirt. FML

Today, I walked through a spider's web with hundreds of baby spiders on it. My afro is now infested. FML

You've got a friend

Today, I woke up to a mosquito feeding on my morning wood; probably the only thing that will ever suck my penis. FML

Today, I was riding on the bus, when I felt a weird sensation on my hair. The person behind me was petting it. FML

Today, this girl who has been stalking me for almost 7 months sent me a 12 page text comparing her love for me with her passion for cheese. FML

Today, my house got watermeloned. Not egged, watermeloned. FML

Today, I had to take my dog to the vet for him to be put to sleep. I could feel the cold, hard shaft of irony slide its way up my ass and slowly fuck me senseless with every step I took on this beautiful National Dog Day. FML

Today, my grandmother refused to wear clothes. FML

Demon child

Today, a five year-old that I am babysitting picked up a knife and said he would chop my nuts off if I didn't give him his ice cream before dinner. Only 5 more hours to go. FML

Today, I was brutally run over by a man in a wheelchair. FML

Today, I got kicked in the crotch. It popped my cherry. I lost my virginity to a shoe. FML

Adding insult to injury

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. While he was dumping me, he was holding hands with his new girlfriend. FML

Today, whilst trying on a pair of jeans, I got my genitals caught in my fly. I'm a woman. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because we watched a movie that Taylor Lautner was in, she claims they made special eye contact and they are destined to be together. FML

Today, a guy lost control of his umbrella in the wind, which then hit me in the eye, making me bleed. He screamed at me for trying to steal his umbrella. People laughed. FML

Today, my fiancé insists that instead of kissing at the crucial moment of our wedding ceremony, we should give each other a high five. FML

Today, I was casually shopping at Walmart. Everything was normal until the young guy browsing the aisle next to me suddenly approached me and whispered "sperm" into my ear. My spine has never experienced a chill like this one before. FML

Crotch shot

Today, I got kicked in the crotch by a horse in my backyard. I don't own a horse. FML

Today, I made a fake Facebook account for a girl, and then set my relationship status to make it look like the fake person was my girlfriend. Someone found out and hacked the fake account. My fake girlfriend just dumped me over Facebook. FML

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I really like. He brought up that there was a person staring at us from a nearby table. That person was my mom. FML

Today, while helping my father build a shelf, I suggested that we should probably use the instruction manual. He suggested I should probably shut the fuck up and do it his way. FML

Today, I came home with a friend to find my mom scratching my dad's butt with a fork. FML

Today, I came across a picture of my grandpa taking a hit off a bong, while wearing nothing but a Playboy shirt. FML

Today, I got my period at school. I didn't notice until a boy asked me if I'd killed someone in my pants. FML

Today, my school's 6'2, 270-pound, 375-pound bench-pressing football superstar knocked me unconscious in one hit. With a dodgeball. FML

Today, a man crashed into my car. He then got out of his car, dug a toothbrush and toothpaste out of his bag, and tried to brush away the damage. FML

Today, I was having lunch at McDonald's when I dropped a French fry down my shirt. It stuck out the top of my bra. Before I had the chance to remove it, a creepy man picked it out and ate it saying that it was the best French fry he had ever eaten. FML