Today, my father was playing with my son and his toy animals. He picked one up and said, "What is this? Some kind of African horse?" It was a zebra. FML
Today, a girl from class screamed at me in public for hugging the guy she likes. She threatened to take me out if I didn't "back off". That guy is my boyfriend. FML
Today, I asked the girl I sort of like as we were leaving class how her day was going so far. She said, "Great. Don't ruin it." FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend was on a dating website. He came up as an ideal match for my sister. FML
Today, I found my intoxicated step-father in our back yard trying to domesticate a stray opossum, attempting to give it steak and malt liquor. FML
Today, a council worker showed up on my doorstep for the final pool installation inspection, which was scheduled 10 years ago. FML
Today, I got a large envelope from a college I applied to earlier. My mom, expecting big news, made my family gather round as I opened it. It ended up being a letter of rejection from not just that school, but all three campuses of the state college. FML
Today, instead of taking down the Christmas tree, my sister covered it with Valentine's Day decorations. FML
Today, my young daughter came up to me, grabbed my face and said, "I'm putting you in the garbage." When I laughed and asked why, she looked me dead in the eye and said, "You are trash." FML
Today, I noticed that my son was less excited about losing a tooth than normal. I asked him what was wrong, he said, "Tyler told me that the tooth fairy died yesterday in a car accident." To which Tyler replied, "You're welcome." FML
Today, my extremely religious mom ranted at me, saying I'd only bought an electric toothbrush so I could masturbate with it. I'm a guy. FML
Today, I lost my virginity. The most memorable aspect of it wasn't the fact that my boyfriend finished after two thrusts, but rather the fact that he first said, "The pilot has entered the cockpit." FML
Today, my current boyfriend was so impressed by my blowjob abilities he sent my ex-boyfriend a message saying thanks. FML
Today, my husband decided he'd rather jerk off to the Wii Fit trainer than have sex with me. FML
Today, I was unaware that me losing my virginity was also breakup sex. FML
Today, my dick of a neighbor tried to file a noise complaint against me, all because I have the flu and am sneezing a lot. FML
Today, I missed a phone interview for a job at Telstra because Telstra's phone network was down. FML
Today, I tried inviting the girl I like out to dinner. She replied, "Sorry, I already have plans." I asked her what they were, and she said, "I don’t know yet, but I’ll think of something." FML
Today, I have been at my new job for almost a month and still have no idea what I'm doing. FML
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