Madame En couple
Today, my dad told me that my mom wanted to name me something "unusual." He eventually got her to compromise. I go by Violet. I now know that my legal name is Purple. FML
Today, I realized my job working with food is getting to me. While having sex with my boyfriend, I fell asleep. He asked me what I was doing, and apparently I sleep-talked, saying "I'm chopping lettuce". FML
Today, I heard my ten-year-old brother say, "Are hamburgers a reptile?" FML
Today, my fiancée was asleep, so I decided to spoon her from behind and cup her boobs to wake her up nicely. She responded by yelling, "THE TOAST!" and elbowing me in the face whilst still asleep. FML
Today, I took my boyfriend of 2 years on a family vacation to meet my family for the first time. We all got really drunk and he made out with my dad. This was day one and we don't fly back for another 16 days. FML
Today, it's day 9 of my honeymoon. It's also day 8 of my period and day 7 of food poisoning. FML
Today, I found out why my husband doesn't want me to go to the doctor. It's not because of the reasonable copay. It's because he has let 3 other women use my insurance to give birth, in the last 4 years. They are all his. FML
Today, I found out all the "work meetings" my husband has been going to wasn't him having an affair after all, but him attending a neo-Nazi group. FML
Today, my Art Director once again turned down a demo model (for an advertisement) that I'd been working on for a week. This time he took his belt off and started thrashing the model to pieces. FML
Today, I overheard a conversation two of my friends were having about Homer, so I interjected with a quip about a Simpson's episode I had seen before. They were talking about the poet. I'm an AP literature student. FML
Today, I tried to imitate Mary Poppins by jumping off a shed with an umbrella. I spent the next 3 hours in the emergency room. My leg is broken. FML
Today, I was eating dinner with my family. My parents didn't want me to hear what they were talking about so they decided they would spell out the words so I wouldn't understand. I didn't. FML
Today, I thought it would be sexy to surprise my boyfriend by hiding in the closet naked and pouncing on him as he came to get his pants. I never got to the pouncing. Apparently my boyfriend has heightened reflexes so instead I got slapped hard across the face. My ear is still ringing. FML
Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating so I broke up with him. As revenge he threw my PS3 and XBox out of the window when I wasn't in our house. I got those consoles out of the spare money my three jobs had brought in - the same three jobs I had to get because he refused to get a job of his own. FML
Today, a telemarketer found me so weird that he hung up on me. FML
Today, my girlfriend dumped me via text message. The sad thing is that I left my fiancée of 5 years to be with a girl I worked with at Walmart. My ex-fiancée is now a doctor. I still work at Walmart. FML
Today, we finally got wireless Internet. My mom won't let us open any doors or windows in fear that it might "let the Internet out". It's 103 degrees in here. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were making out when he sweetly whispered in my ear, "It's not gonna suck itself." FML
Today, my eleven year old sister came in, and bitched to me and my boyfriend about how she was going to tell my mom about the used condom she found. My boyfriend punched her in the face. FML
Today, while spooning my spouse, I was awakened in the wee hours by a huge, junk-rattling fart. This has happened numerous times since she became a vegetarian. FML
Today, before my girlfriend gave me a blow job, she put on goggles. FML
Today, the heating in my house broke down. I called my boyfriend and asked if I could stay at his place until I could get it fixed. He said no, and told me my overgrown leg hair would keep me warm. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend out to a nice restaurant for our anniversary. Mid-way through the meal, a guy at the table across left for the restroom. My girlfriend reached over and swiped the guy's wallet from the table. My gonads went AWOL, and I couldn't even bring myself to call her out on it. FML
Today, a man slapped me in the face with his newspaper because I didn't get out of his way fast enough at the train station. I guess he didn't notice I was on crutches. FML
Today, I took a picture of myself seductively eating an apple. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. FML
Today, my parents gave me a sock and card for my eighteenth birthday. The card said, "Now that Dobby is free, get out." FML
Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. I thought it was all going really well, until I looked up a minute or two in, only to be greeted by a stone-cold death glare and the words, "You really are an idiot, aren't you?" FML
Today, I found out that every time my girlfriend takes a big dump, she pretends as if she's giving birth and screams uncontrollably. I just moved in with her. FML
Today, it was my son's fifth birthday. I asked my grandmother, who is a baker, to make a birthday cake for the party. Two hours after the party started, she arrived drunk with a large ham with candles in it. FML
Today, I was the victim of a drive-by pissing by some drunken loon on a segway. FML
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