kendralamar

Today, completely nude, I had to collect my clothes around the boy’s apartment I have been sleeping with for awhile. While his girlfriend watched to make sure I “got the fuck out.” FML

Funny how?

Today, a car was waiting for me to cross the street so I thought it would be funny to slowly limp across the street. When I got to the end, I jumped as high as I could to show I was faking. Turns out I tripped and hit my head hard on the sidewalk. That car took me to the hospital. FML

Today, I was waitering at the restaurant that I work at when I collected a credit card bill that was worth $120 and a big zero on the tip line. Angered, I turned to a co-worker and said "I knew this asshole wasn't going to tip me." The guy was standing right behind me with $30 in his hand. FML

Today, I was going to have sex with my Hispanic boyfriend. I wanted to turn him on, so I asked my friend how to say "fuck me" in Spanish. She claimed it was 'pollo frito'. I then had sex, constantly screaming 'pollo frito' for an hour. I later realized I was screaming "fried chicken." FML

Thick as thieves

Today, I was at the mall shoplifting when a girl who looked my age pointed to a shirt I had in my bag. "Stole that, huh?" she asked smiling. She looked pretty cool, so I nodded and asked if she stole the jeans she was wearing, which were from the same store. Turns out she didn't, she's the manager. FML

Today, we were at the end of our surfing trip watching a photo montage. A picture popped up of an ugly girl surfing so I shouted out "I didn't know Shrek could surf". The room went very quiet. "Shrek" was sitting beside me. FML

Today, I took the bus to work. A sweet old lady got on after and sat next to me. Halfway there, she fell asleep, her head on my shoulder. I gently tried to wake her up before my stop. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML

Today, I was bored and decided it would be fun to pretend to be an undercover cop and pull over other cars. The first car I pulled over was a real undercover cop. FML

Today, I bought a brand new flat screen TV. When I brought it home it didn't work. Furious, I walked into Best Buy and yelled at a guy in a tucked in blue polo and khakis. I asked him why it didn't work and he said he didn't know. I kept screaming. He didn't have a nametag. He didn't work there. FML

Congratulations, you played yourself

Today, my friend and I wanted to get some alcohol (we're under 21). We went to a liquor store and asked a random guy to go in and buy us some vodka. After giving him $20, he said he had to go turn off his car, then he'd get us the drinks. He got in his car and drove off, with my $20. FML

Today, I was having cybersex via webcam with my boyfriend. Trying to be as sexy as I could, I started sucking on my finger. Judging by the look on my boyfriend's face, he was getting really into it. As I started getting into it too, I shoved my finger too far down and puked all over my laptop. FML

Straight to jail

Today, I left a party after drinking, and was soon pulled over. I frantically grabbed my mouthwash I keep for emergency situations to cover up the alcohol smell on my breath. I was given the breathalyzer almost immediately. I blew a 2.37. Apparently, alcohol is the main ingredient of Listerine. FML

Today, I was holding a lit cigarette in one hand and a lollipop in the other. Guess which one I licked? FML

Catfished

Today, I found out that the girl I've been dating online for over three months is actually a very bored 14-year-old boy. FML

Today, while working at a pizza shop near a college campus, I got an order to deliver to the dorms. Extremely busy at work and annoyed that someone wouldn't take 3 minutes to walk over, I spat on the pizza. When I arrived to the dorm, a woman in a wheelchair opened the door. FML

Today, I had my high school reunion. The nerdy guy that I picked on all 4 years had married a Swedish supermodel, then divorced her for a Brazilian supermodel. My girlfriend works at 7-11. Karma sucks. FML

It's not what you think…

Today, my dog started to hump my leg. He always does this and I heard that humping the dog back asserts dominance. Well, I decided to, and I dry humped him back. As I was doing this I said, "How do you like that?" Then my mom walked in. FML

Today, I wanted revenge on the rabbit who ate my garden's plants. When he returned, he was standing next to my brand new above-ground swimming pool. I pull out my 22. rifle and shot at it, but the bullet missed and popped a hole in my pool. 15,000 gallons of water flooded my basement. FML

Today, at a party, my three friends and I thought it would be fun to urinate in a jug. We dislike the neighbours, so decided to throw the contents of the jug over the fence into their garden. It hit a tree and splashed back. I ended up covered in our piss. FML

Today, I was playing around with my sister's kitten. As a joke, I put him underneath the sheets and farted. He attacked my nuts. FML

Today, I was at the park when I saw a homeless man sleeping on a bench. I thought it would be funny to throw a small rock at him. He thought it would be funny to pull out his knife and chase me for six blocks. FML

Today, I went through the drive-through at Dunkin Donuts and asked for an iced coffee. After no response, I started frantically screaming about bad service. After a while, a woman came out to my car and said, "Please pull up to the speaker." I'd been yelling at a garbage bin for 5 minutes. FML

Today, my friend told me that semen was inflammable. Later at night I jacked off into a sock and then, excitedly, tried to lit the sock on fire. Turns out, semen is very much not inflammable. Naked, I shook my sock in the air so it would extinguish while my semen splashed out all over my room. FML

Today, while I was walking downtown a homeless person asked me for a dollar. I thought it would be funny to wave the dollar in his face and taunt him. I guess he thought it would be funny to stab me in the leg with a pencil. FML

Today, I realized the person I had been habitually stealing bag lunches from at work made me a canned dog food sandwich. FML

Today, I saw a YouTube video of a guy scratching a knife and a screwdriver on his iPod, and at the end he showed how there were no scratches and the screen was still clean. I took my iPod touch and did the same with a knife. It didn't work. FML

Today, I had an argument with my wife. I told her to get back in the kitchen. How does she respond? By doing what I told her to do, and returning to hit me with a frying pan. FML

Today, I waited in line at a drive-through behind a man for ten minutes. I got out of my car, cursed at him, and then asked him to give me one good reason why it would take that long to order. The man slowly explained to me that he had a stutter. FML

Today, I was walking down the street and spotted a man who was about 6 and a half feet tall passing by me. As he passed me, I turned and asked him "How's the weather up there?" He then turned around, spat on me, and replied "Raining." FML

Today, I decided to formally introduce my girlfriend to my parents. My dad took the opportunity to apologize for walking in on us a few days ago while we were having sex. It wasn't her. Thanks dad. FML