Z3R0G5

Today, I got pulled over during my driving test. FML

Today, I was expecting a card from my husband stationed in Japan, but he mailed it to my mom. Since I'm busy and don't see her much, she tried to help by mailing it to me. It's long overdue, and the post office never got it. The card came from Japan, only to get lost traveling from 30 minutes away. FML

Today, my boyfriend was pleasuring me with his hands. After two years of being together, he was finally about to make me orgasm for the first time by himself. Just as I was reaching my peak, he orgasmed at the thought of finishing me off and stopped. FML

Today, I went to the doctor, because I've been having stomach pains and nausea for weeks. He ended up gravely telling me I'm pregnant. I freaked out and panicked about what my parents would say. Then his laughter reminded me that I'm a guy. A really stupid one. FML

Punished

Today, my mother walked in on me watching porn. As punishment, she sat down and made me watch the rest of it with her as she gave play-by-play commentary. FML

Today, my little sister complained about a young boy in her class always pulling her hair. She asked when boys will stop doing it. My mom replied, "They won't, even when they're grown-ups," then looked over at my dad and shared a dirty smirk. FML

Dog whistle

Today, I sent a picture to my best friend of the shoes I want to wear to prom. She replied, "Wow those are so unique". I guess she forgot that last week she told me she only uses the word unique when she hates something. FML

Today, my girlfriend took off my pants for the first time. She was more impressed by the pattern on my boxers than by my cock. FML

Traumatized knob

Today, I got my first handjob. I also found out today that a girl can pull your skin hard enough to cause it to bleed profusely. FML

Today, while discussing my grades with my mother, she told me that when she was my age she was dumb but hardworking, and my dad was lazy but very smart. She then added, "You managed to get the worst out of each of us." FML

Today, I worked up the courage to tell my girlfriend that I love her. She made a face like she'd just sucked on a lemon and said, "Um... yay, I guess...?" and awkwardly left the room. FML

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, some homeless person came up to the window and started doing a voice-over. FML

Today, I fell in the shower and knocked myself out. When I came to I turned off the water and called my mom. She seemed more worried about the amount of water I "wasted" than she was about me. FML

Today, while driving, I saw someone's hubcap blowing away behind me on the highway. I thought it was funny and sort of chuckled to myself. Later I realized it was my hubcap. FML

Today, I moved in with my boyfriend. The first thing he did was hand me a paper containing listed rules he expects me to follow. When I asked if it was a joke, he promptly pointed to number 7 on the list, "Cleanliness is not a joke". FML

Judgy

Today, my mother worked out that my boyfriend and I are having sex. Instead of confronting me about it, she now just sits and stares at me judgmentally whenever I'm in the same room as her, making me feel incredibly uncomfortable. FML

Manlet issues

Today, my best friend confessed to having feelings for me. I've been in love with her for a long time, so I was ecstatic. She doesn't see herself ever going out with me, though, because she's a couple of inches taller and can't imagine herself "towering" over her man. FML

Thanks, Dad

Today, I took my girlfriend to meet my parents. My dad thought it'd be hilarious to act surprised and ask me if I'd already dumped the girlfriend I introduced him to yesterday. She slapped me and stormed out of the house before my dad could tell her it was a joke. FML

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend because I felt unappreciated. She found it appropriate to sarcastically say, "Oh no, how will I ever be able to open my jars?" FML

Today, I was playing charades with my boyfriend and family. The answer was "Beckoning" so I acted it out with a "come here" gesture. He looked confused for a second, then blurted out "Fingering?" FML

Today, because I thought I was about to have an asthma attack, I had a panic attack. Then, the panic attack caused me to have a real asthma attack. FML

Today, my father decided it would be a good idea to give me the sex talk, at Target, at the top of his lungs. FML

Today, my teacher took my test along with another student's and gave us both a zero. Why? Because we both have colds so when we breathe through our nose it makes a sniffle noise. She thought we were using a secret code to communicate by sniffling. FML

Today, I was doing homework and I had my leg bent in a funny position. When I stood up, my hip dislocated. It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. When people ask me what happened, I have to say I dislocated my hip doing calculus. FML

Today, it's been three months since my sister broke her car, meaning she couldn't get to work, and I've giving her money every month so she could buy food and so on. I just found out that her workplace is less than 200 metres from where she lives. FML

Today, my school had to make an official announcement that students were not permitted to go home due to Zayn Malik leaving One Direction because so many girls were claiming they couldn't focus on school with such a dramatic event occurring. FML

Today, my girlfriend of a month told me that the only thing keeping her from swallowing a bottle of pills is being in a relationship with me, because she doesn't handle breakups well. FML

Today, my husband was involved in a horrible series of accidents; he repeatedly slipped and fell into my best friend's vagina. FML

Excuse me

Today, my parents walked in on me, having sex. No, I wasn't having sex. They were. FML

Today, I woke up my girlfriend up with a cute kiss. She was apparently having a bad dream and headbutted me. FML