nihongoso

Today, while arm wrestling with my boyfriend, I had to pretend he beat me. FML

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted to spice up our sex life, so we went and had sex in the park. We had 30 minutes of "spice", just to spend seven hours in jail. FML

Make it stop

Today, I sang a sweet lullaby to my two year-old son. In the process, he smacked me in the face and told me to please stop. My sister sings to him all the time and he loves it. FML

Today, I jokingly told my girlfriend that sperm kills acne, she laughed and said "so that's how you got rid of yours so fast" then continued to text all her friends and tell them. FML

Today, my boss fired me for dating a co-worker. There's no policy forbidding it; he just thought it was unfair that I could get with the "hottest girl who works here" but he can't. I live in an at-will employment state. FML

Classic move

Today, I went on a blind date. Right after I arrived there, he excused himself to go to the bathroom. He never came back. FML

Today, my fiancé broke off our engagement after he saw one of my baby pictures. He said our future kids "just wouldn't look right." FML

Scarred for life

Today, my dad finally decided to give me the "sex talk." It was going fine until he said, "If you ever decide to have sex, picture my face like this" and pointed to his face, which had a creepy, intense stare. He just ruined sex for me. Forever. FML

Today, I was cuddling up on the couch with my girlfriend, when my drunken mother walked in the room, slurred out, "Room for one more?" and leaped on top of us. FML

Slippery

Today, I drove into the parking lot at work, and discovered too late that there were patches of ice everywhere. As I turned to enter my usual spot, I lost control of the vehicle, and despite my pleas, praying, and profanity, it glided straight into my boss's car. FML

On the road

Today, I was feeling super nervous about driving because I had my first accident the day before. As I stopped at a red light, I got rear-ended. FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend if I've gained weight. He replied, "Why do you think I've been so often on top lately?" FML

Today, while at family dinner, my boyfriend got drunk and told my entire family the things I do in bed. FML

Today, I'd had it with my mom's addiction to weed, so I told her to choose between me or the weed. I'm currently looking on Craigslist for an apartment. FML

Today, I talked to my dad about joining the military. He got up, laughed, and said, "As if the army would accept a pussy like you." FML

Today, two American guys attacked me for not speaking their language. I'm from England, and they said I'm speaking my own language wrong. FML

Today, I ordered a pizza. I paid and tipped the pizza guy, and instead of saying goodbye, I got tongue-tied and said, "I love you, boo." FML

Today, I made a fake Facebook account for a girl, and then set my relationship status to make it look like the fake person was my girlfriend. Someone found out and hacked the fake account. My fake girlfriend just dumped me over Facebook. FML

Headshot

Today, I was working on my computer when my dad walks in, pointing his finger at me like a gun. Before I could even ask, it turns out he was aiming a rubber band at me. The doctor says I'll be able to take off my eyepatch in a couple of days. FML

Today, while having sex, my girlfriend suddenly broke down and started crying. Apparently, when I'm horny, my face reminds her of her dead dog. FML

Today, my brother and I proposed to our girlfriends at the same time. We had perfect synchronization after practicing for days. My brother's girlfriend said yes; mine said no. FML

Today, my girlfriend tried to cover my eyes while I was driving on the main street, all because she caught me looking at an ad featuring bikini-clad girls on the bus ahead of our car. FML

Holes

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to put his penis in a hole in our bedroom wall. FML

Manage your expectations

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years asked my dad if he could marry me, and my dad agreed. He then tells me that he's not going to propose for maybe another year at least, he "just wanted to get that out of the way." FML

Today, my 18-year-old son asked me if I was a virgin. I still don't know what to say to him. FML

Empathetic

Today, my 9 month-old son realized he is just as tired as I am. His solution is to cry loudly. My solution was to cry along with him. FML

Today, in the spirit of Christmas, I let a spider live in my room. I normally kill them, because I'm scared of waking up with one on my face. I woke up with it on my face. FML

Bad timing

Today, while having sex, I told my boyfriend that I loved him. I could feel him go soft inside me. FML

Today, I was at the park feeding nuts to some squirrels. One fell down my shirt and the next thing I know I'm being attacked by a squirrel that looked like it was on steroids. FML

Today, while shopping at Wal-Mart, a guy grabbed my butt. When I turned around to slap him, he shook his head, said "Nice ass but such an ugly face", then walked away. I've never been told I'm ugly before. FML