Célibataire
Today, my football club gave us all jerseys with our last names on them. My last name is 'Flicker'. The letters are all in uppercase. And the 'L' and the 'I' are joined together at the bottom. My jersey reads 'FUCKER'. FML
Today, I was taking a nap. Apparently, my two year old daughter decided to crawl on top of the covers on my bed because she was scared since there was a thunderstorm. I thought she was one of our cats so I kicked her off. She hit the wall. FML
Today, it was the last day of finals. After sleeping less than three hours in the last two days, I got in the car to go to school. For a second, I thought my steering wheel, the gas pedal, and brake pedal were all missing. That's when I realized I was sitting in the back seat. FML
Today, I had to take an emergency contraceptive. I was talking to my boyfriend about it, and I told him that my stomach really hurt. His response? "Aw. That's just the baby dying." FML
Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML
Today, the guy of my dreams told me he liked me and leaned in to kiss me. Just as our lips touched, I ripped a big ass fart. FML
Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend because he is tired of everyone giving him shit about my ginger hair. FML
Today, I walked into my dorm to find my roommate and his friends using my bass clarinet to smoke weed. FML
Today, while performing a rectal exam on my female patient, I inadvertently said, "Okay, you're going to feel some pleasure now." I meant "pressure". Her husband was in the room. FML
Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. After we finished, he went under the covers and started touching me. At first I thought he was trying to give me "oral pleasure". It turns out he lost the condom inside of me and was trying to fish it out before I noticed. FML
Today, I found out my girlfriend doesn't go to work, she's actually been seeing another guy purely for sex, and each time he gives her money to "support her unemployment." Pretty sure that means I'm dating a prostitute. FML
Today, my dad walked in on me masturbating. All I could say was, "Uh, I had an itch…" FML
Today, I learned that when the power goes out at my house, my family thinks you can no longer flush the toilet. FML
Today, my parents bought purity rings for my twin brother and me for our birthday, and had them blessed by our priest. Neither of us are virgins. FML
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