Today, while on vacation, my parents called to inform me that my best friend had died in a car accident. Why? To trick me into tearfully confessing my love for him. It worked. FML
Today, I decided to check out a dating site, when I stumbled across my ex wife's profile. She'd had it for four out of the five years of our marriage. And no, it didn't rate us as a good match. FML
Today, I found out my 7-year-old daughter really did lie about my husband's "other girlfriend" as revenge for being grounded, and that he never cheated on me at all. We're well into our divorce proceedings and he won't forgive me for not believing him when he denied it. FML
Today, while trying to take a crap, I shut the bathroom door. A minute later, my 3 year old daughter knocked and said "Mommy, do you wanna build a snowman?" She kept singing the song until I was finally done. FML
Today, my boyfriend "accidentally" had sex with my roommate. FML
Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to give me a naked massage. She straddled my back and started rubbing, then she sneezed and peed on me. FML
Today, I greeted my girlfriend with a spinning hug. She got motion sickness and threw up all over me. FML
Today, I finally reached the point where it became necessary to give my boyfriend an ultimatum: either clip your toenails, or we aren't having sex. FML
Today, I was spooning with my girlfriend. She fell asleep and spent the next 15 minutes farting on me. FML
Today, I walked in on my roommate with her ass cheeks spread wide, and her friend ripping a strip of wax off of her while wearing a headlamp flashlight to see if she "got it all". FML
Today, my mom kicked my dad out of the house and told him not to come home again. Why? I started watching some porn on my computer, forgetting I was still connected to the bluetooth speakers in the living room. My mom thought it was my dad, and I didn't have the balls to admit the truth. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend, when I noticed a large piece of broccoli wedged between her teeth. I have no idea how she didn't feel it, but I couldn't stop fixating on it and started going soft. I had to cry out, fake an orgasm, then toss the condom really quickly to spare her feelings. FML
Today, at my job working retail, I had just finished cleaning and straightening a whole aisle. This kid watched me do the whole thing. When I was done, he stuck his arm out, and ran it down the whole shelf, knocking everything off it. His mother just grabbed his hand and walked away. FML
Today, a kid on a bike passed me and commented on my "big fat butt." Recognizing him from the neighborhood, I told my husband to go speak to his parents about the inappropriate comment. It turns out his father is the man who yesterday commented on my "big bouncing tits." FML
Today, I was called a ruthless bitch for not waking up early to search for my car keys, so my boyfriend could go get his pipe and get high before work. FML
Today, my sister convinced my girlfriend that I cheated on her. All because I took the first slice of her birthday cake. FML
Today, the girl I like asked me to take over her shift at the place we both work at. Being nice, I readily took over. Later, I found out she went on a date with my best friend. He knows I like her. FML
Today, I finally worked up the courage to tell my boyfriend that I wanted to go separate ways. Before I could say anything, he proposed. FML
Today, my sister shared a post on Facebook which talked about how "gays" are destroying the "sanctity of marriage." I couldn't help but point out that she's been married 3 times in the last 7 years, while I've been happily married to my wife for nearly 9. She deleted my comment then blocked me. FML
Today, my boyfriend posted pictures of him at the bar last night with his ex. And ones of them in her bed this morning. I guess we're sleeping with other people? FML
Today, my vegan step-mom found out I ate at McDonald's yesterday. She gave me hell and asked me how it feels to give money to "murderers". All while my dad sat quietly by because he's too whipped to speak his mind. It wasn't even her house a month ago. FML
Today, while jogging in the park, a confused elderly gentleman asked me for directions, so I told him how to get to where he needed to go. He paused for a long moment, then asked me if he could eat me out. FML
Today, I called to see if my bridesmaid's dress was ready. They told me it had already been picked up, the bride's mom picked up the dress and got rid of it because she doesn't want me in the wedding. FML
Today, my girlfriend of two months and I are in completely different points in our lives. She ambushed me with ideas of having kids, getting married and being together forever. Currently, my biggest concern is passing the tenth grade. FML
Today, my boyfriend of a year and a half informed me that he had "accepted" my stomach, even though it didn't conform to his "preference" for a flat stomach. He then added that his acceptance doesn't extend to my "chunky thighs". FML
Today, while making love to my boyfriend, I noticed that instead of looking at me, he was admiring himself in the mirror. FML
Today, after asking my hubby for what seems the millionth time to stop shoving his finger into my bum crack, I thought it would be funny to give him a taste of his own medicine by doing it to him. Right as my finger was in his crack, he let loose a huge fart. FML
Today, I had to spend a depressingly long time convincing my 29-year-old husband that our house isn't haunted and that the door slammed shut because it was windy outside. I repeat, "29-year-old husband" and "haunted". It's like I'm married to a child. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that he had sex with my sister, but it's ok because I'm better in bed. He seriously doesn't understand why I dumped his sorry ass. FML
Today, for some reason that is unknown to me, I accidentally referred to my girlfriend as "my ex-girlfriend." To her face. Needless to say, my statement became true afterwards. FML
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