Today, I discovered my boyfriend listens way better in his sleep than he does when he's awake. FML
Today, my father informed me that he plans to play a drum solo instead of making a speech at my wedding. And yes, he IS completely serious. FML
Today, my girlfriend of two months and I are in completely different points in our lives. She ambushed me with ideas of having kids, getting married and being together forever. Currently, my biggest concern is passing the tenth grade. FML
Today, I went to Costco and the cashier asked me how I was doing so, to be nice, I asked her back. She said, "I'm fucking horrible, I'm working at Costco," nearly making me spit my drink out. FML
Today, the guy I buy weed from invited me to have Easter dinner with his family, since I've nowhere else to go. FML
Today, I finally put the finishing touches to a huge project after 8 months of gruelling work. My boss had used the promise of a 5-figure bonus to motivate me. When I casually brought the bonus up later in the day, my boss just said, "Gratitude's its own reward, Mike." FML
Today, I gave the guy I've been seeing a copy of my newly published book, because I know he loves writing. He started reading and commented on how amazing it was. Then he gave it back. He didn't realize it was a gift. My awkward self didn't correct him. I'd written him a sweet letter inside. FML
Today, my husband was using the microwave when we suddenly hear a huge 'POP'. The good news is we found our daughter's missing hamster. FML
Today, the family I was serving had ordered calamari and when I brought out the food, they started yelling at me because apparently their daughter was allergic to it. Just why would you order it then? FML
Today, my housemate and I had rough passionate sex in every room of the house. Being that I'm 18 and he's 32, it was a new thing for me. I just received a call from my mother stating that they would not be paying for the baby they watched us make through their wireless cams in our house. FML
Today, the guy I'm seeing told me, "I've always loved you as a person.... but not in any other way." While he was inside me. FML
Today, I walked in on my roommate having sex in my bed, because apparently hers is "for sleeping only". FML
Today, despite feeling healthier than ever, losing fat, gaining muscle and having perfect blood results, my morbidly obese relatives keep telling me that my new vegan diet is "unhealthy". FML
Today, whilst riding my brand new dirt bike for the first time, the chain broke and slashed me down the back of the left leg with such force that it chipped the bone. FML
Today, on site, my client was certain she had switched off her electric fence prior to me conducting an inspection of her boundary retaining wall. I overbalanced on my ladder and grabbed at the fence wires for support. The electricity was not switched off. FML
Today, my girlfriend's "sheltered" 15-year-old niece is sharing our tiny home. Shortly after she arrived, I started to pass a kidney stone. I've had 3 hours of vomiting and cold-sweating while pissing acidic blood and a stone in absolute agony. The niece is "traumatized". FML
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